Wyers, Hughes retire; 21-gun salute injures thirty-five

Apparently, it was true all along. When former Kick-da-Cheese Seamus "Langston" Hughes declared in Aye on the WeBB his intention to retire, there was still a measure of security, the possibility that he wouldn't do it. Well, he did. On 7 August, Hughes announced in Command that he would retire from STF -- a sad day, indeed, for all those who knew him. Apparently, after serving as an XO, CO, winner of the Trinitron CO For a Week Contest, SNN Associate Editor, and President, there was just nothing left for him to do. "I've done it all," he said, returning to his old office at Fleet Six headquarters. "The only thing left to do is walk over hot coals, and ... well ... I just wouldn't stick around for that."

Hughes's resignation was closely followed by that of another STF institution, "former everything" Colin "Don't touch the electrical" Wyers (after researching Wyers' background, we discovered that he had not been "former everything"; speaking only from a Cabinet standpoint, he had not been FComms-1, 2, 3, 4, or 5; nor had he been Academy Commandant or Internet Director). Wyers was slated to take an ELOA (or possibly an ILOA) while he went off to the Marines Boot Camp to learn the fine art of polishing boots. Sources in the vicinity of Headline News tell us that the timing of the two resignations was no mere coincidence; rather, it was a miracle perpetrated by St. Warren Christopher (the lesser-known half-brother of famous saint Christopher).

Both received eulogies in Command, and both will be missed and at the same time remembered for the many contributions they have made to STF (Wyers designed the Independence-class, Hughes, the Genesis-class; both made Fleet 6 what it is today). At Starfleet Command in San Francisco, the two received twenty-one gun salutes as they boarded their transports to their next destinations. No sooner had they left than exhaust from the transport got into the eye of one marksman, causing him to send bullets everywhere. The other twenty reacted hastily, throwing up barricades in defense against what they thought was enemy fire. Two unknown children who lit firecrackers nearby did not help the situation, and soon the twenty-one gunners were prepared for a full-scale Dominion invasion. When the dust settled, thirty-three humanoids and two Solanagen-based beings named "Daryl" and "Daryl," respectively, were injured. Lawsuits are currently being filed against the marksmen, the Solanagen-based beings, and Harry Mudd, the person who hired the marksmen.

'GMDevolution' approved, still debated

It was former GMDir Deanne "Morgan" Ashton herself who proposed "GMDevolution" in Command these months ago. "GMDevolution" was the popular name given to the proposal that would limit the power of the GM Department and the GMDir, placing GM power in the local level. The issue was a major part of the election, with most of the candidates favoring GMDevolution, and then-Presidential-hopeful Nick "Humor is something I sorely" Lackie saying that he would, if elected, implement the proposal "as soon as humanly possible." Now that he is President, Lackie Edictified the proposal in the much-ballyhooed Edict no. 2: The Story of the Ages just short of two weeks after being elected. What also came out of the discussions in Command was a GM course at the Academy that would teach proper GMing (proposed by -- you guessed it -- Deanne!).

The hotly contested issue of GM licensing has been incorporated into the Edict, also. The last remaining conflict over GMDevolution consisted of whether or not GMs should be required to be "licensed" by the GM Department, something that would be a nuance in eight years of STF GMs. FComm-2 emeritus Mike "Daaavid Letterman!" Ballway was the major opponent of GM licensing through this arduous process and told SNN Headline News that "[he'd] be back" (granted, with the interpolation, it loses some of the punch, but we've got to be grammatically correct).

Several "versions" of GMDevolution have been floated in recent weeks, including the original by Deanne "Morgan" Ashton, the license-less version by Mike "Basket" Ballway, and the revised, more "legalistic" Ashton version by Larry "If I were born in Orange, Ohio, I would have been more like James A." Garfield. Oed V CO Lou "I've blown a" Gasco suggested GM certification as an alternative to licensing, whereby certification would not be a requirement, but would greatly boost one's standing in the eyes of the GMDir (he used a Microsoft example, so he must be working for Larry). As it stands, GMDevolution promises to usher in a newer, happier STF that everyone can enjoy (or not).

'Milwaukee Plan' is beginning of newer, friendlier, less homicidal ED

Eight hundred thousand years ago, three beings known only as The Garfield, The McCullick, and The Harris met at County Stadium Prime in the Wisconsin Sector to discuss plans for ship classification systems. This is the result of their work, translated from their many data-tapes: The Milwaukee Plan.

Okay, maybe it didn't happen that way.

What did happen was that FComm-4 Larry "Odie" Garfield, Dockmaster Randy "DREMamine" McCullick, and Israel "Izzy" Harris met at County Stadium, Milwaukee, and came up with a system for classifying ships. As described in the Milwaukee Plan documentation, it is a mixture of the Garfield and McCullick ship classification systems, as well as the so-called County Stadium Compromise. The purpose of the plan would seem to be not only the standardization of ship classification systems, but also a definition of those ship classes (what the heck is the difference between a "heavy cruiser" and a "dreadnought," anyway?).

Unlike the Marshall Plan (which was a plan for economic recovery in Europe), or the Schliefflen Plan (which was a German plan for fighting a two-front war in WWI), the Milwaukee Plan seeks to categorize ships into three classes: scientific, exploration, and combat vessels. These are further subdivided into small, medium, and large ships. Currently, all slots are filled except for the medium-sized combat vessel (some have suggested "battlecruiser" to fill the niche between "destroyer" and "dreadnought"; others have proposed "battleship" and "diseased monkey"). The Plan also provides for ships to be even further divided into one of five "variant" classes: light, medium, heavy, tactical, or medical -- from where we get such names as "heavy cruiser," "tactical destroyer," or "medical dreadnought."

Currently, the kinks in the Milwaukee Plan (that evasive medium-sized combat ship) are being worked out as the ED prepares for another overhaul: the standardization of ship parts. Headline News will bring you more on this story from the ED Fortress on Risa as it rises from the deep to destroy humanity.

The Bar was a dingy place ... full of cut-throats, low-lifes, mercenaries, and all sorts of other role players. Starbase 131 was basically just your home for dingy places. Located just on the periphery of the asteroids of the Orion sector, Ol'Dingy was a decommissioned fleet base, converted by the Free Miners League into a base of operations. So there were Dingy Miners there, too.

The Vid-Screen came on with tonight's episode of Mandrake: Kid Engineer ...

The Vid guide read: Mandrake catches a dilithium deficiency in his dad's cargo craft and fixes it.

"So what are you talking about free?" Grotto asked his partner, Bobo.

"Free ... I'm telling you ... the mining rights are free ... you just have to get there."

The vid-screen showed Mandrake sweating bullets, and his shirt torn as he entered the steamy engineeirng room of his father's warp-capable cargo ship. He was searching for something. Then a commercial came on for Hawke Enterprises, Inc., manufacturer of BIO products.

"Where the heck is OED anyway?" Grotto asked.

"It's on the Vren frontier," Bobo answered.

"What's a Vren?"

"I don't know ... I heard they're small and solid midnight black, and they wear green outfits, with big boots."

"They sound dangerous." Grotto commented.

"They sure is, but here's the point ... OED's got free-mining rights ... all you gotta do is show up and mine. That's what I heard." Bobo took a sip of his Shirley Temple (not quite knowing why they called it that).

"Yeah?" Grotto asked ... again.

"Yeah," Bobo answered.

Then the Episode returned ... Kid Mandrake was exhilarated ... he had found the box marked OED Dilithium Grade AAA. It held twelve crystals in two symmetrical rows. "If anything will work, it'll be these OED dilithium crystals," he said.

Then a voice from within the steam said "Son, that's dangerous, they're raw, there is no way they'll work."

Kid Mandrake looked into the camera and said, "Hah! Sure they will, DAD ... they're from OED, and everyone knows OED crystals are the most naturally refined crystals in the galaxy ... duh!" As he removed the rotted crystals, he tossed them over his shoulder, and gingerly replaced them with OED-grade AAA ones. Suddenly the steam dissipated and Main Engineering was back to normal.

Kid's father said, "Wow, if it weren't for those OED crystals, we would be goners."

Kid looked back at the camera. "We sure would, Dad! Duh!" And they both laughed.

"So, anyway," Grotto said, "what do you want to do?"

Bobo smiled. "Well, here's what I think: we sell off our last load, we hop a freighter, and get to OED. Check it out, maybe stay awhile in Hospice, and you know, have some fun ... then if we don't like it, we trek back."

Grotto said, "Sounds like a plan."

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Who are we kidding? We couldn't care less about leaving, since we know that this issue of SNN Headline News was so good, it would do our reputation proud to leave it at that. Of course, that won't happen. Headline News will continue to print until we run out of jokes or our warranty card expires, whichever is most inconvenient to us. The editorial staff here would like to thank you for reading this far and we'd like to ask that you read a little further (there's some money taped to the bottom).

As always, SNN Headline News swears on the controversy surrounding of the sinking of the USS Maine that it will stay true to its mysterious, conspiratorial, and war-causing motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Junior editor Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt hopes that we remain true to this motto just so he can go to war. "Remember the Maine!" he yelled as he left the office yesterday. He scares us sometimes.

We would now like to break precedent by inserting an unprecedented middle paragraph into the Closing section, one that most definitely does not jive with the Summation/Motto/Prediction routine that has made us strong for many, many issues. This particular paragraph is a clarification, one that was made aware to us by one Oed V CO Lou "Glasgow" Gasco. He noted that in our reporting of the election results, we neglected to mention that his vote had been stricken from the ballot (due to illegal, albeit accidental, campaigning). He also wanted clarification as to whether or not 67.5% suffrage really did outdo India. For the record, we don't know the exact numbers, and all attempts to find those numbers have been met with pain; however, we do believe that 70-75% Indians (folks from India; let's be PC, now) turned out to exercise their right to vote. That means that we were wrong (it's not the first time, nor the last).

In our next issue, join us as we continue the war in Cuba but sign a treaty and leave our printing presses in Guantanamo Bay. Don't ask us why; we're still not sure. Leading the war will be our new volume that is slated for publication sometime soon. It is tentatively titled The H. Simon Gregory Chronicles and includes all of Gregory's columns since the first day he wrote for us (plus some more he wrote under psuedonym). Look for it in Word 95 format at your local electronic bookstore. Until then, content yourself with the knowledge that issue 57 will be published after this one ... or maybe two issues after, just to play with your heads.