Carter proposes new member-retention proposals

"My name is STF, and I have a problem." So says USS Kansas CO Butch "Nick" Carter, who proposed a lengthy solution to this problem in Command last week. The problem, of course, was the hotly-contested issue of member retention, something that Carter says STF has a problem with. The plan would require Academy classes to be taken in the art of RPGing and using the WeBB before a member would be placed on the Challenger or another "USS Training Wheels." He would remain there for sometime until he graduated and would then move to a real ship and gain the rank of lieutenant (j.g.). All of this could take more than a month, which is one of the problems seen by critics of the proposal. Another interesting aspect of the idea is that once a member becomes a department head, he must complete "Phase III" of the training, which entails teaching a course in WeBB understanding and RPGing -- the very same courses in which he was a student months ago. Carter claims that by implementing this, we can see member retention rise from its current level of 2% to as much as 50%.

"Hogwash," said FComm-4 Larry "Jim Davis" Garfield. "Just because member retention is low doesn't mean that STF is failing in any way. Why, the very idea makes me want to switch places with my identical twin, Bill Gates." In fact, many STFians expressed distaste at this proposal, saying that it made the time required to join the RPGing too long and it assumes that all new members are dumb and couldn't understand for themselves the ins and outs of the WeBB software.

A key group in this debate is the New Member Council, which has shouldered responsibility for new member retention. Inaugural NMC Chairman Barett "The lesser-known half-brother" Vogtman floated a proposal that would combine the PDir and NMC into one department that would not only be responsible for new member processing, but also retention. SNN Command Proposal Editor Vanilla Ice could not be reached for comment, but was later found in a nearby dumpster, along with his career and chances of ever being a star.

Lackie rights a wrong; decrees that 'four wrongs make a left'

A very long time ago, in what could only be called a public relations nightmare, former STF President Bob "The Corporate Cheese" Spurlin banned the then-Deanne Morgan from ever having a captaincy. Though it was the result of Spurlin's lack of diplomacy, and he even admitted his wrong and demoted himself to ensign, the ruling stayed on the books.

Until now. In his critically acclaimed Edict #7, Lackie rescinded Spurlin's Edict #6 when he appointed Deanne Ashton to the command of F2's USS Curie, now vacant after Mike "Particle" Bourdaa's surprise quasi-resignation. In another move that surprised many Nameless Ensigns to the point of exploding (which they would have done, anyway), Lackie promoted the now-Deanne "Morgan" Ashton to the rank of Fleet Captain, which she would have held at about this time had Spurlin's Edict #6 not have been in effect. Steve "Morgan" Ashton, Deanne's partner in crime, was reportedly "happy" and "slightly nauseous." The nausea was later attributed to food poisoning caused by expired rokeg blood pie. The STF Department of Agriculture is investigating.

Promotions up the wazoo

Edict #7 (see above story) was only the beginning. STF Brandy-Cheese Nick "A winning personality is something I" Lackie apparently went crazy with the promotion forms last week when he issued an unprecedented three promotion Edicts in quick succession. Edict 7 is discussed above. Edict #8, which immediately followed Edict #7, promoted Jaret "James" Hargreaves to the coveted (and not-so-coveted) position of FComm-2. Hargreaves had been AFComm-2 for what ED specialists determined was "forever," and was the logical choice to succeed the outgoing Mike "This inactivity in STF makes me" Bourdaa. Hargreaves has not yet named an AFComm; suspicion falls upon the shoulders of either Jennifer "Orange" Schubert or FComm-2 Emeritus Mike "Holy Cross, Batman!" Ballway.

While the rest of STF recovered from the ramifications of Edict #8, Lackie shocked some and gave others a bad case of the measles when he posted Edict #9, another promotion Edict which included two promotions for the price of one. First, Edict 9 promoted Philip "I do not know any bison. Furthermore, I have never known any bison" Hobday to the position of Starbase 202 BCO following Bourdaa's leave (or resignation; we're still figuring this one out). Since there seems to be a clause stating that NMC chairmen cannot be COs of anything, Lackie was forced to assign former NMC secretary (that is, former before the Edict) Hubert "Humphrey" Bonis to the role of NMC chairman. Whether or not this is a promotion is up for debate; Bonis later said at a press conference that he was "frightfully happy" and that he felt "embiggened" about his new job. When asked about his use of the word "embiggened," Bonis replied, "It's a perfectly cromulent word."

New STFPP season begins; Bourdaa denies use of Pachisi-enhancing steroids

With the changing of the seasons, so too comes the changing of the STFPP season. Last year's 2000 season was the first for the STF Pachisi Promenade, which opened its doors on June 24, 2000. Though the positions fluctuated quite a bit, the final standings of the 2000 season had Mike "2 X 4aa" Bourdaa in first place with 49.5 points over 53.5 games; BJ "I'm mad enough to spit styrofoam" Phillips in second with 41.5 points over a record-breaking 90.5 games; Elana "My favorite kind of sandwich is the" Rubin with 39 points over 23 games (which earned her the Highest Average award at 1.695 points/game); and, rounding out the Top Four, Nikolle Burchett with 13 points over 37 games. STFPP Coordinator BJ "Ethan" Phillips called STFPP "a rousing success that's made me rich beyond my wildest dreams." He added, "See you later, suckers! I'm going to Mexico!"

The 2000-2001 STFPP season began in August with brand-new statistics and a move from won.net to flipside.com. Hoyle online games is now located at flipside.com instead of won.net. No one can explain why this happened, but all agree that the graphics and colors are terrible. The only good side is that players now receive flipside.com currency in the form of "flips." These "flips" are accumulated by winning games and can be used to get merchandise from flipside.com or to enter super-freaky drawings (talk to them for details). Even though current standings haven't been announced yet, SNN reporters believe that Nikolle "I didn't go to see the Olympics and I didn't even get a T-shirt!" Burchett is in the lead. See Starbase 157 for details. Prices may vary; please play responsibly.

Member retention surveys fill the void in peoples' lives

With reference to the above story about Butch "Cassidy" Carter's member-retention proposals, some folks were skeptical about the whole thing. Carter himself said that he had conducted a survey of new members in writing his proposal, but many Command afficionados questioned his methods. Not the least among these people was USS Ogawa CO Steve "Forbes" Ashton, who exclaimed with audacity (oh, the audacity!) that he and his wife, Ogawa GM Deanne "Morgan" Ashton, would launch their own member retention survey. The Ashtons questioned former NMC chairman Phil "Collins" Hobday about why he never commenced such a survey, to which he responded that he didn't want to begin a major project with the knowledge that his term of office would be ending.

As usual with command, one person takes offense at another person's factual information (perhaps they dislike the objectivity and hope for an opinion they can attack?) and it ends up with Hobday trying to defend himself against an onslaught of criticism. Fortunately, there was more to the explanation: Hobday believed that WeBB 3.0 was coming out Real Soon Now, and thus would make the survey process easier for everyone involved. His pursuers attempted to verbalize their way out of this saying that "if he expects WeBB 3.0 to be out before next Christmas, he's got another thing coming!" Just what that "other thing" was remained confidential.

Bobo stood on the gangplank of the Starship Las Vegas, an old stinky trading ship destined for Oed V. It was docked at the Starbase 131 to drop off a shipment of raw ore for refinement from Oed, and to pick up passengers and supplies destined back.

The ship was old ... the crew looked old. And Bobo was growing older waiting for his friend.

They had sold everything they had to book passage and had some spending money left over. They would have had more had it not been for Grotto's hair-brained call to Makadu ... the loan broker. "Hey we're leaving the Starbase! Just wanted to say goodbye," Grotto had said.

Bobo still thought he should have drilled him with his mining laser just then. But there was something about the big oaf. So he just brained him with it instead.

"Hey, BOBO!" Came the yell from down the corridor.

"About time!" Bobo said as he stared up at Grotto.

"Yeah, I'm glad to be going. Thanks Bobo, and sorry about Makadu." Grotto said.

Bobo only grumbled as he picked up his duffle bag, and headed up the gangway.

"Hey Bobo, wait up. Tell me more about Oed. Tell me more, huh." Grotto said insistently.

Bobo had already reached a ship's steward, who was examining Bobo's chip. "Yeah, welcome aboard, Mr. ... um ... Bobo. Nas Shipping Lines welcomes you to the premier service carrier to and from Oed. Your stateroom is #10, deck 2." It sounded rehearsed, and badly slurred, as if the Steward did not really mean it.

"Thanks," Bobo said as he walked down the darkened red-lit corridor. "Emergency Lights," he thought to himself, swearing he saw a Cardassian vol run across the corridor.

Grotto was stopped at the hatchway. "Excuse me sir ... travel chip please," the steward asked.

"Oh ... yeah ..." Grotto dug in his pocket and pulled out a stained ship.

The Steward took it gingerly between two fingers, as if it contained the plague and dropped it into the slot on his PADD. "Okay. Welcome aboard, Mr. Grotto. Nas Shipping Lines welcomes you to the premier service carrier to and from OED. Your stateroom is #10, deck 2." It was most definitely rehearsed.

"Thanks," Grotto said, forgetting his chip, and doubling back for it. "Thanks, " he said, as the Steward shook his head.

"Hey BOBO! BOBO!" Grotto began to yell after his companion.

The Steward looked on. "I have got to get a better job than this," he mumbled as he looked onto the next pair of hooligan miners. "Hi. Welcome aboard ..." he started again.

Each week, the starship Voyager boldly seeks out new life-forms and new civilizations and travels where only very campy television shows have gone before. Yes, many STFians (most notably Larry "Ooh, I want to impale him so much!" Garfield) would like to destroy Rick Berman in the worst way for what he has done to the institution of Star Trek. The alien-of-the-week scripts became old years ago, as did Seven of Nine's wetsuit (she must have been the only Borg that scuba-dived) that reminds us of those years of Troi.

But rather than complain about this problem, why not use it to our advantage? The GMD Office of Sims and RPGs reports that inventive sims are hard to come by these days. STFians want orginitality, and they're not getting it. "Not a problem," said former Office of RPGs director Rodion Raskolnikov. "All we need to do is recycle old sims and tweak them a little to make them seem new. That's what they do on Voyager; the real meat, though, is in Borg sims. They do that on Voyager, too. Then again, maybe they don't. No, I'm pretty sure they don't." Raskolnikov told us he was feeling ill and decided to leave.

And there's a good reason why Raskolnikov is a former Office of RPGs director: the current bourgeois administration feels that it's too "good" for recycled plots and tons of Borg involvement. Says STF Brandy-Cheese Nick "Scratch" Lackie's press secretary, "We feel that we're too good for any of that sort of thing. And if you disagree, the secret police will come into your home and force you to watch that horrid new Fantasy Island with Malcom McDowell. Good thing it was cancelled." Why must our President, too, disregard the obvious use of these Voyager plot-lines? Does he feel that he's above the sort of tactics the use, which include, but are not limited to: having the Doctor save the day, having Seven save the day, using meaningless technobabble to obscure the fact that what they're doing is blatantly against even the fictional laws of Star Trek physics, damaging the ship beyond repair only to see it fully functional thirty minutes later (and they say they have no supplies).

Surveys have shown that GM creativity is down 44.038% (+/- 43.030%), so where are we to turn? Certainly the obvious answer is that we should recycle old plots and make new ones that are very simple to understand. One proponent of this idea, who wished to remain anonymous, is FComm-2 Jaret "James" Hargreaves. "Listen, anyone out there would kill me if they heard this, so you can't use my name," Hargreaves told one of SNN's urgency-impaired reporters. "People like Lou Gasco, they got to be gotten rid of. They're bringin' the others down, man! I like to recycle old plots! And, secretly, I like Voyager. But don't tell anyone. Fight the power!"

So, what are we left to do? The answer seems to be obvious: rebel against the GMD ruling-class and institute a new order of mediocrity and confusion under the guiding hand of Star Trek: Voyager. Rick Berman would do it; why can't we?

I go close now

Looks like it's time for another one of these fabulous ending sections. We here at SNN Headline News hope that you enjoyed the latest installment of the first-ever SNN serial story, entitled "The Adventures of Grotto and Bobo." It was supposed to be a one-story shameless plug for Oed V, but instead, it has become a cult phenomenon. Grotto and Bobo T-shirts, mugs, posters, and oversized novelty currency are on sale at the SNN Studio Store located across from the reception area in SNN Center, Chicago.

And, even though we have begun a cult hit, we would still like to remember our humble beginnings with our equally humble Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Okay, so it's not just humble; it's also used. But we got 1.9% financing on that particular Journalistic Motto, which we feel is better than $2500 cash back. We're so shrewd!

Next time, from the bowels of SNN Center, we'll endeavor to bring you another installment of everyone's favorite goons, Grotto and Bobo, as well as more from Command (and less from the OOC, since we basically ignore that). But there is a fair warning on the books that if the next few weeks don't lend themselves to much news, there will be updates on the Engineering Department. Don't say you haven't been warned! So, someone had better stir up some controversy for the next issue of SNN Headline News ... or face stern consequences! And we mean it this time!