Lackie publishes list of requested gifts

In an edict published late last week, STF President Nick "I'm not Santa's" Lackie stated those gifts that he wanted from STFians. "I shall have a brand-new red tricycle," he wrote in an historic (and somewhat obscure) Edict 12.25. "Let it be known that I also request a new red wagon, whose color matches that of said tricycle, and a teddy bear." Lackie further explained himself, noting that "the teddy bear should be brown, preferably, with a red bow-tie. If red is not available, then the only acceptable substitute is a green bow-tie. Bears with bow-ties of any other color will not be accepted." SNN field reporter and former Speaker of the House Henry Clay asked whether or not these gifts were reasonable. "They're perfectly reasonable," said Lackie, "since I've requested several action figures of my parents, I don't see why they shouldn't be complemented by a teddy bear, a tricycle, and a wagon."

'A SNN Christmas Carol'

It's about that time of year -- the time when men and women from around the world come together to give thanks and read Headline News's A SNN Christmas Carol, one of the annual (and few) gems that SNN produces. Though it was written two years ago, the story still holds true, and even truer still today, now that it's been revised and configured for CSS. Take the whole family to the computer to see it. It wouldn't be Christmas without it.

Ashton & Ashton resign; STF just isn't as lively anymore

She was a CO, XO, GM, and GMDir (as well as a vice-commandant of the Academy). He was CO of the USS Ogawa, but she was CO of that ship before he was (that was when he was the XO). Only two crazy people can pull this sort of thing, and their names are Steve "Blymie" Ashton and Deanne "Morgan" Ashton. Are they related? Why, yes! They're cousins -- identical cousins; one pair of matching bookettes, different as night and day. And, like identical cousins, they're both retiring from STF at the same time. Ashton (the other one) will be leaving STF for the first time. Behind him he leaves the USS Ogawa, which will be staffed by newly-selected CO Colleen "Even" Stevens. She is survived by the USS Curie, which will be commanded by Lou "El Gasco de la Mancha" Gasco. This is her second time retiring; the first was during the much-talked about Spurlin-Morgan crisis of yesteryear (or, more like two yesteryears). In a press conference last week held at the Ogawa CO mansion on the grounds of the STF Grass-watching Observatory, the Ashtons remarked that "we're sorry to leave. We've really enjoyed STF all these years. Wait a minute; they're repainting the mansion; the fumes must have gone to our head." Even if they are high on paint fumes, the Ashtons will be missed around STF.

Playstation CCXVI hot new item

With its quadritonic optical subprocessing and really neat see-through controllers, MagnaSonyPhillipsGeneralMotorsoft's new Playstation CCXVI is the hottest of the new toys this holiday season, surpassing even "Tickle Me Seamus" in popularity. Playstation CCXVI also had an isolinear storage device and 500 KQ of RAM. "It is, by far, the most advanced video game system in the galaxy," said MSPGM spokesman and action film star Bruce Willis. "It has virtual reality and holographic capabilities, room for 64 players, and it comes with a free copy of Pong 2378: The Legend Continues." Mr. Willis then yelled, brandished a submachine gun, and jumped out of the plate glass windows on the 53rd floor of SNN Center. What he probably meant to do was explain that Playstation CCXVI is available only in limited quantities due to its power source, a rare element found only on the furthest planets in the galaxy. As such, the selling price is 8,000 bars of latinum, equivalent to one firstborn son. Analysts recommend that you reserve your copy today, as the deposits are non-refundable.

Bobo left his duffel on the bottom bunk, under Grotto who was laying in his.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Bobo announced.

"Have fun," Grotto said. "I'm gonna nap."

Bobo shook his head as he walked out of the state-room . . . eating and sleeping. That's about what Grotto did best. Well, and watching his back. Grotto did that pretty good, too.

Bobo smiled; he had to. It was just funny.

As he headed towards the turbolift he noted a bunch of other travelers. A number of different races from all over the federation. Many more than he ever thought existed.

Well, the brochure did say that OED was a veritable 'melting pot' of the best the Federation had to offer.

He guessed that it would at least be an experience well worth remembering.

As he rounded the corner in the corridor he bumped into a swarthy alien. "Ooof," He said.

"Grrrrr," the alien said.

"Sorry," Bobo said.

"Get out of my way before I eat you, monkey-man," the alien said, brandishing large tusks, and laughing to his mate.

"Sure," Bobo said, stepping aside. He didn't think anything natural ever came in those sizes. The aliens had turned from the turbolift, and were headed back down the corridor.

Bobo stared at the turbolift doors. A holo-sign hung on them. "TURBOLIFT TEMPORARILY OUT OF ORDER. Please utilize Jeffries tube #12A8 for vertical access to all ship's decks. Thank you and enjoy your stay aboard the NAS Lines Premier Service carrier."

As members of STF's cabinet and a few invited members of the Good Old Boys Network sat down for a lovely Thanksgiving meal, few would have guessed that trouble lay on the horizon. As STF President Nick "I'm no one's" Lackie prepared to carve the turkey (not a real turkey, of course; it was made of PVC tofu), an argument began from the other side of the table where FComm-4 Larry "Strawberry" Garfield and Vice President Scott Dale "Swiss Family" Robison were seated next to each other (and what poorly-planned seating it was).

Robison had brought up the issue of some sort of charter, and inquired of Garfield when it was coming. Garfield explained that the whole project was on hold indefinitely, to which Robison replied that "that wouldn't have happened with the STFC." A sergeant-at-arms present at the occasion (because Lackie knew that getting all the members of Command together meant a lot of out-of-control holiday cheer) attempted to quiet down the feuding twosome, but to no avail.

By this time everyone at the table had become distracted and were watching Robison and Garfield duke it out at the dinner table. Lackie, suddenly aware that no one was paying attention to him, summoned his Elite Guard to quell the disturbance.

Which only called into question the need to Lackie to have an Elite Guard, since no other president has had one (with the exception of Colin "Don't touch those downed" Wyers). More shouting ensued, and Lackie, carving knife in hand, gently suggested that everyone stop their quarreling and have a "damn happy good time." This comment only caused the situation to worsen, since it brought personnel director Greg "This joke still" Hertzsch into the fray. His innuendoes (which weren't as disguised or subtle as they used to be) caused more at the table to become ill.

Between the nausea, the fighting, the Elite Guard, and Lackie threatening to "decapitate the lot of ye," the inevitable happened. Much like the first shots of the American Revolution, no one knows to this day who fired, but nonetheless, mashed potato ended up all over FComm-3 James "Insignificant" Speck. Being prone to sudden, violent outbursts as he is, Speck responded by flinging several peas across the table at FComm-5 Dustin "Come viz me if you vant to live" Bukowski. Bukowski responded by launching Jell-O in Speck's direction, but the sights on his fork were misaligned, and the peas ended up with President Lackie himself.

You can probably imagine what happened next. The all-out food fight began, followed by the Elite Guard stunning and arresting some guests for "high crimes committed against STF" which included attempts to overthrow the government and gross misuse of foodstuffs.

And so, Thanksgiving, like so many other STF functions -- Christmas, Hanukkah, the Ashtons' wedding -- was spent for many members in jail. Damages are estimated at three million bars of latinum, and several of the involved parties are filing suits for "emotional distress" and "turkey-related injuries." It just goes to show you: family togetherness, when used even in moderation, can be a dangerous thing. That's why I spent Thanksgiving at home with Wheel of Fortune and take-out pizza. At least Pat and Vanna won't kill me for not solving the puzzle right.

A visit from St. Nicholas

They call him Kris Kringle, Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Papa Noel, and approximately four-and-a-half other names. He's the merry elf from the North Pole who delivers presents to everyone in the world, and he's commonly known as "Santa Claus." Though it took some doing, we managed to coax Santa out of his workshop with the promise of several pounds of real Godiva chocolate (he's a big fellow, don't you know).

1. Why the North Pole? Why not Florida?
You'd be surprised how many people ask me that. Well, I'll tell you why: I don't like old folks. They even frighten me a little; I mean, they look so innocent, but what if they're really horrid monsters inside? I don't want to deal with that.

2. Couldn't you stand to lose some weight?
I guess I could, but then I wouldn't have as much fun launching children into the air on the see-saw.

3. Do you feel that the Great Pumpkin is moving in on your territory?
I've been watching this Great Pumpkin thing for a while now, and let me tell you, it's a fad. It'll pass. If it doesn't, I've got a message, Pumpkin: stay clear of my holiday, and there won't be any trouble. Got it?

4. Are you really as jolly as you seem?
Oh, yes. I'm exceedingly jolly.

5. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Well, Frosty's been in and out of the profession for a number of years now, but he'd probably melt under the hot studio lights, so I'd give the whole thing to Rudolph.

6. Where did this notion develop that fat people are jolly?
I'm not sure. I know that I'm pretty jolly, and Rosie O'Donnell is pretty jolly, but if weight is directly related to joliness, then Marlon Brando should be jolly in spades. Have you ever met Marlon Brando? I think Andrew Dice Clay is jollier.

7. Am I on the "naughty" list or the "nice" list?
Reflect on the past year. What do you think?

8. I think I'm on the nice list?
Well, yeah, but you're lucky I'm not Santa Colin Wyers. If I were, based on your past issues, not only would you be getting coal, but you'd be getting some additional gifts from the reindeer.

9. Who do you think was the best of the movie Santas?
Tim Allen. I can relate; why do you think the elves make all the toys? If I tried to use a power sander, I'd probably blow up the whole North Pole!

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Robin. He's always decked out in Christmas colors. That's the kind of holiday spirit I like to see!

Christmas gets more and more violent every year

Now that the issue is over, SNN Headline News encourages its readers to go out and spend time with their families, or in the case of no family, pets or a suitable family substitute. This is a time for togetherness and giving, a time for altruism. This is one of those times when Ayn Rand goes to her cave and laments the faults of altruism and giving. Ah, but if only she could be visited by the ghosts of Christmas . . . but right now they're trying to convince most of the world that Macs aren't evil. So, to summarize: time with family, good will toward men, don't eat too much.

And since it is the holidays, we'd like to join the rest of the staff at SNN in distributing gift-wrapped boxes of our Journalistic Motto, which just happens to be "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. The wrapping might be a little bad, since one of our interns/chimpanzees did it, and the gift might be a little cheap, since the budget isn't as much as it used to be. Oh, and the gift might be stomped and spit upon, since we didn't have anything else to do. But it's the thought that counts.

Our next issue will be the super-duper Headline News year-in-review. Just when you thought old wounds had healed and everyone had forgotten about the most heated arguments of the year . . . surprise! We'll dredge them up like they're Spanish treasure ships off the coast of South Carolina. Also, be prepared to meet STF's Man and Woman of the Year and bask in their glory as they accept their crowns and take their places writing copy all year for SNN publications. But it's the thought that counts. Right?