The way we was

For the uneducated, 2000 was the beginning of the new millennium. For everyone else in the world (and the four educated members of STF, all of whom are marmosets), this new year will be the beginning of the new millennium. But as we take a look at the end of the century, we're reminded of how far STF has come (and how far it has yet to go). Join us as we venture into the past with our goods friends Sherman, Mr. Peabody, and a cute, talking cartoon animal (that can be readily stamped into expensive stuffed animals) as we venture into the past year of STF.

Hughes elected Prez; STF collectively says, 'Huh?'

In an action that was as surprising as it was surprising, STF's favorite punching bag, Seamus "Charles Evans" Hughes was elected president and Lord and Ruler of All Creation (admittedly, that last title was self-appointed). For years, STFians had dismissed Hughes as nothing more than a Mike Ballway on amphetamines. During his presidency, though, Hughes showed that he was sharp as one of those titanium knives on TV -- the kind that can slice all the way through a ceramic tile. The biggest thing the Hughes Administration (or the Hughes junta, as it was called by critics) did for STF was to create the New Member Council -- a place that looks out for the welfare of new members. Sadly, the petty politics of the STF presidency destroyed what fun there was in that bright, kickable former FComm-6. Hughes resigned from STF after his term expired.

AO, STFC voted upon; STF exclaims, 'We're tired of so many acronyms!'

A definitive voting date for an STF constitution was set by President Seamus "Robert Earl" Hughes. On May 1, 2000, STF would finally have itself a charter ... that is, providing that 3/4 of the electorate choose one or the other. In the end, neither the much-ballyhooed Articles of Organization nor its more radical (and by radical, we mean conservative) counterpart, the STF Charter, received the 3/4 majority. This effectively wrang the constitutional juices out of STFians, who haven't complained about the issue since. Attempts to introduce a new date for voting were met with poison gas and rabid squirrels.

Elections get biz-zay

In what can only be called the most surprising election since Franco Torres lost his spot on the Officers Council to an intoxicated Ted Kennedy, well ... STF Election Fall '00 occurred. It pitted some of the best and brightest of STF against some other really nice STF people who weren't as bright and some others who were pretty bright. (Needless to say, everyone was bright to some extent.) Even though all involved were bright (including, but not limited to, Philip "Hobgoblin" Hobday, Ralf "S. Mouse" Steen, Krystelle "Brillo" Bromilow, Nikolle "Burgess" Burchett, Nick "I'm no one's" Lackie, and Brian "Peat" Moss., there was not a Prodigy-STFian among them; it was the first election where all the candidates were WeBB-only members. Though the battle was a terrible one, with mud being slung every which way, a winner was finally determined after a primary, debate, and general election. In case you aren't aware, the winner was Lackie. Which brings us to our next story.

GMDevolution creates Massive Political Upheaval

During his campaign, Lackie vowed, if elected, to enact GMDevolution "as soon as humanly possible." The proposal would severely limit the powers of the GM Department and bring matters of GMs and sims to the individual Fleets. After much heated debate before the election, most of which involved then-GMDir Colin "Live" Wyers expressing his disapproval for the whole thing, the policy was finally enacted. Experts predicted that this was the milestone achievement of the Lackie Administration, and it has been, as far as we know. The campaign-promised cure for cancer is as-yet unrevealed.

Assorted news stories

Dash Xs were eliminated by Edict this year. The plan called for junior officers to listed by the terms "Eng," "Sec," "Sci," and "Med" in an attempt to prevent new members from thinking that an "Eng-1" was somehow better than an "Eng-3." They're so silly and naive.

The STF Marines were created in Fleet One under the direction of Owen "Cities are bigger than" Townes. Though it seemed there was much popular support for such a project, few people actually posted, and the project was abandoned. The "STF Navy SEALs," however, are still alive and well in Fleet 7.

SNN Headline News celebrated fifty issues of inane humor that only its Grand Poobah actually understands. A gala party was hosted at SNN Center, but nobody came; they opted instead to go to Associate Editor Larry "Odie" Garfield's house, because he's more popular than we are. But we'll show him; we can be cool and trendy, too!

Three new ships were commissioned in Fleet One within a two-month time span. The Foremost Fleet welcomed the Apache, Aries, and Ogawa to the fray in August and September. The Kansas class was commissioned in Fleet 5 on a 45-day limited warantee basis; the folks down there decided to keep it.

Brian "Wolf" Moss, Mike "Nail down that" Bourdaa, Mike "Every day is Jones-Day" Ballway, Colin "Spliced" Wyers, and Seamus "John" Hughes hung up their uniforms and resigned from STF (technically, Ballway is on an iLOA, but for all intents and purposes, he's no longer with us). Moss was the GMDir and FComm-5; Bourdaa was the IDir and resident old-timer; Ballway was the King of All STF Media; and Wyers was the evil GMDir from beyond the grave. Bourdaa and Wyers have since returned and are lurking about somewhere. Ballway has been responding to messages on the Fleet 2 mailing list; Moss is nowhere to be found.

STF Man and Woman of the Year 2000

This year, rather than do things arbitrarily, we decided to go with a more scientific approach. We plugged every issue of Headline News over the past year into Microsoft Word and had it find names. Whoever had his or her name mentioned most would obviously be the STF Man or Woman of the Year. We discounted election articles, since they gave a clear advantage to those people who were candidates -- an advantage that we felt was unfair, since the issues were basically about them. The winners receive a lifetime supply of paper clips and have their name engraved into a plaque in SNN Center (they pay for the engraving, of course).

Nick Lackie, STF Man of the Year Nick was mentioned in Headline News 48 times over the last year, outshining Seamus "Harold Ramis" Hughes, who was second with 41 mentions. Lackie is currently President of STF and the holder of the title of Heavyweight Champion of the World. He has seven hundred wives and lives on the fringe of humanity with them and their dozens of dogs, cats, and Long Island iced teas.

Deanne Ashton, STF Woman of the Year Deanne was mentioned 11 times over the last year, edging out joint runners-up Nikolle "Queensland or bust" Burchett and Krystelle "I can't believe I'm Canadian" Bromilow by 5. Ashton was the GMDir, the CO of the USS Ogawa, and an all-around Command rabblerouser. She lives somewhere on the planet with her husband, Steve Ashton (possibly related to STFian Steve Ashton) and a twenty gallon drum of dijon mustard they call "Frank."

6 BC: Jesus born; monk screws it up big-time

BETHLEHEM-- Technically, the Savior of the Christian religion was born in the year 0. In reality, he was probably born before AD 0. What happened here? It seems that a Christian monk, who wishes to remain anonymous, miscalculated the date of Christ's birth such that He was born 6 years before He was supposed to be born. Jesus was heard to comment, "If God had done the calculating, we wouldn't be in this mess, now, would we?"

622: Muhammad gets religion, book deal

MEDINA-- After years of telling everyone that Jesus wasn't immortal, Muhammad got tired of ranting and wrote a best-selling book, He's Only a Prophet. When that didn't sell well, Muhammad asked for some divine help, and the archangel Gabriel gave him the Qur'an (or Koran, if you like). It included, at no extra charge, such great tips as "visit Mecca sometime," "fast during Ramadan," "pray five times a day," "profess your faith," and "pay some taxes." After thirteen hundred years of existence, Islam remains the second-largest religion in the world, thank you very much. Just don't eat pork, not even with a fork. Can't touch this!

1066: Saxons sacked

LONDON-- The Saxons weren't too happy when they were invaded by a Norman king. In fact, you could say that they were downright cross. They warred for twenty-two years before their conquerer, William, was crowned King of England. An old Celt watching the event poked one of the Saxons with his cane and exclaimed, "How's it feel now, sonny?"

1347: Black Plague like common cold, only with unparalleled lethality

EUROPE-- Bet they wish they paid the extra couple bucks for the exterminator to get the rats, too. Caused by rats which infected fleas which infected people living in filthy conditions, the Black Plague destroyed one-third of Europe's population. At least one good thing came out of the Plague, namely: calculus! Yes, that's right; Sir Isaac Newton was sent away to live in the country so that he wouldn't catch the plague. While away, he said to himself, "I believe I need to find the slope of curves and the area under those curves. Guess I'll invent calculus!" The limit of this story as it approaches being funny is 0, because it really isn't that funny. Nor was the preceeding calculus joke.

1490: Renaissance hits Europe like a sack of bricks

FLORENCE-- After everyone got tired of that "dark ages" bit, they decided to wise up and get smart again. The Renaissance began in Europe, first in Italy, then in England, and in ... well, eventually in Russia (but it wasn't quick). This was the period of time when all the knowledge gained by the Greeks and Romans and everyone else that was lost during the Middle Ages was found again. Who did the finding? The Arabs, who saved all the knowledge and even found time to invent the sextant, the number zero, and coffee. I don't know about those other two, but we couldn't live without coffee.

1565: First permanent European settlement in the New World

ST. AUGUSTINE-- The Spanish got there first! Eighteen years before the first English settlement (that Roanoake disaster), the Spanish planted the first permanent European colony in the New World. The Europeans went on to kill the native American peoples, destroy the land, and kill most of the native animals. But, on the plus side, they introduced horses to the Americas, without which there would be no Western films.

1789: US government works this time

PHILADELPHIA-- So maybe the Articles of Confederation weren't such a good idea, after all. After meeting during the summer of 1787, the Constitutional Convention, presided over by none other than General George Washington, finally hammered out the ultimate government charter: the US Constitution (STF could learn a lesson from them). The document would later be copied by other nations around the world as the Constitutional Conventioneers copied their document from observing the political organization of Indian tribes. And what did we give them? Some arid land and a pat-on-the-back that said, "We won't take it this time. Honest!"

1945: World War II ends; Stalin won't let anyone share

EUROPE-- After twelve years of war (four for others), the greatest war (great meaning large or immense; we use it in the pejorative sense) the world had ever seen came to an end. Russian leader Joseph Stalin, however, didn't want to share his newfound countries with any of the other children. As such, an "iron curtain," as Churchill put it, descended over Europe, and the Cold War began (even though the Cold War didn't begin until some years later; it's just fun to include it). That's when the bomb shelters became popular. Duck and cover!

Mackael Stockhausen: man of a thousand positions

Considered by and large to be the Fleet One personality by virtue of his unprecedented three command positions (CO of the Apache and GM of both the Ark Angel and the Aries). He is also a well-known CGI artist and the designer of the new Discovery class (which is strikingly similar to the Prometheus class, which he claims is his favorite), to which he hopes he can upgrade the Apache. We caught Stockhausen (literally, in a net) and wondered if he would answer some of our questions, or would he like to go downtown?

1. Was this the wrong week to quit drinking?
Yes, it was. :)

2. Which pair of pants looks better with this shirt?
My purple microfibre shirt. :)

3. Just how accurate was Crocodile Dundee?
Crocodile Dundee was fairly accurate. Well, how's about I show you my knife and then you can decide. (g)

4. How old do you think Dick Clark is?
In the words of Doctor Bones, "He's dead, Jim!"

5. "He who runs away lives to fight another day." Has this been true in your experience?
Well, with the amount of KLines (killed permanently from a server) I've recived on DALnet and other IRC servers, yes, it is. =)

6. Go ahead. Make my day.
* Mack gives Mark a million dollars from the STF Presidency account, courtesy of Nick Lackie. =)

7. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Captain Cook or former child star Patty Duke?
Captain Cook for sure, after all, I heard a rumour from Skippy the Bush Kangaroo that Captain Cook once skinned a Koala with his bare hands ...

8. Is it just me, or do those iMacs get awfully hot without fans, even though they're "perfectly engineered"?
Uh, how would I know?... I don't own an iMac (http://www.lameducky.com/New/Comp1.JPG); erm ... what I mean is, uh ... *points to the TV* Hey Look! Is That Bill Gates, or Larry Garfield?! (Flees the room)

9. Will Seamus ever get his own late-night talk show?
Well Mark, he already has; we broadcast it on 'WSTFU Internet Radio!' every Friday night. The program's name is "The Life Of a Lameducky." Visit www.lameducky.com/Seamus/index.html for more information.

10. Who's your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Mr. Cherrykins, the Fleet One mascot; he understands my problems. He knows how hard it is to go to work and have everyone pick on them because they look like a penguin. :(

Last year, the world braced itself for what would be the end of humanity as we know it. Power plants would shut down, traffic lights would go haywire, vending machines would attack people and eat them. As last year proved, all of these (except maybe the last one) were unfounded. There's just no way all of that stuff could have gone wrong. Or is there?

Rupert L. Hanrahan, director of Starfleet Intelligence's "Conspiracy" division, reports that in fact there was a plot to cause problems all around the world. "I'll only tell you if you report it anonymously. I could be killed for this," began Mr. Hanrahan. "Starfleet Intelligence was involved with a plot to overthrow the world, and they saw Y2K as the perfect solution. At the last minute, though, someone replaced the Energizer batteries in their doomsday device with generic ones. Those batteries just keep going and going, don't they?"

After Mr. Hanrahan was dragged away by mysterious men in black suits, I set out to find the truth myself. Armed with nothing more than a notepad and my own brains (as well as the clothes I was wearing, of course), I interviewed every top government official from here to Timbuktu and back again. Those interviews turned up nothing. All I got out of the experience was seven thousand frequent flier miles and a whole lot of deflated self-esteem. Surely I could unravel this mystery, couldn't I?

Yes I could! I talked a bit with the Oracle's franchisee at Cleveland and she told me the answer: there was a conspiracy, and it reached to the highest levels of power imaginable. I was right all along! Moving quickly, I purchased an Oracle Burger and a Diet Coke, then left for the office of President Lackie.

The president, upon hearing my name, wasn't too happy. He tried to have his hired goons kill me, but I was far too swift for them. I finally arrived in his office and asked him to explain the conspiracy. "It's really quite simple," he said, his finger inching toward the trap-door button, "all we do is create lots of world chaos, then we proclaim ourselves omnipotent dictators! Then the president and vice-president removed their masks, and they turned out to be none other than Pinky and the Brain! "Now that you've found out our plan," said Lackie/Brain, "we shall have to dispose of you." "Narf," chimed in Robison/Pinky.

In no time at all, I was hurled out the window, where I landed (quite fortunately) in a marshmallow truck. Though the president and vice-president had failed to destroy me, I had a feeling that they'd be back for me. I truly believe they will ... each and every weeknight at eight. I returned to SNN Center a wiser, more injured man than before. From then on, I questioned everything, even if it was certified and written in blood. Which brings me to my point: now I'm one of those wild-eyed conspiracy theorists. Deny everything! The truth is out there! Or is it? I'm not sure anymore.

Thanks for the memories

It's been quite a thousand years. We re-invented the flush toilet, and Gutenburg "invented" the printing press (but to his dismay, the Chinese invented it a thousand years earlier, just like everything else "invented" during this millennium). It's also been quite a century. Man harnessed the power of the atom, and Bazooka Joe became a household name. We hope you've thoroughly enjoyed our own brief overview of the Year in STF and the Millennium. This was also quite a year for STF: GMDevolution came to be, and STF was a step closer to having some codified laws. As for the latter, maybe some other time.

But one thing hasn't changed in this new and amazing millennium: our motto, which just happens to be "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. This motto transcends both space and time, and possibly gravity, but that's untested as of yet.

Coming up next time in the super-fantastic issue we like to call "issue 61," H. Simon Gregory investigates the scandal surrounding the New Member Council. Was Hubert "Humphrey" Bonis accepting bribes from high-ranking cabinet officials? Why did that new hat suddenly appear in his house? And how about the billions of bars of latinum that he has stuffed in mattresses and flower-pots? These are grave charges that, while completely fictional, are entertaining nonetheless. Enjoy the New Year, and take advantage of the excellent after-Christmas sales.

Ooh, before we forget, here's a last quote from the Los Angeles Daily News that we thought would ring in the New Year with a chuckle: "I read the other day that a banana shares a certain percentage of its DNA with humans, a fact which ought to give vegetarians all over the world nightmares tonight."