WeBB struggles with legal issues, Teletubbies

What began as a simple joke last week turned into horror and suffering for some Fleet 5 members. Someone emailed the Fleet 5 mailing list with rather unsavory comments that could be considered offensive by everyone on Earth except Larry Flynt. The issue was raised among STFians: what if someone's mother were to see this and sue STF? What would happen then? Outpost 42 BCO Lou "Gehrig" Gasco called for a disclaimer to be placed somewhere on the website which would say that STF is not responsible for the content of sites to which it links. After several days of debate in Command, many people (including His Royal Highness, Archbish ... nope, not him. Ah, here it is: STF President Nick "Not Villareal" Lackie) decided that the disclaimer was a bad idea.

Several STFians, some of whom you'd never find bathing together, agreed with each other. "Former everything" Colin "There's a lot of tension in these" Wyers, FComm-4 Larry "If I'd lived in 1880, I'd have voted for" Garfield, and the aforementioned Gasco all declared their support for such a disclaimer. Wyers even went so far as to incorporate Teletubbies into his argument, noting that "Teletubbies are not the bane of humanity like Jerry Falwell says they are. Why, I'd even say that Teletubbies are good things, like cookies; not bad, like rap music." Internet Director Scott Dale "Evans" Robison said that he would begin work on a "terms of service," following in the footsteps of Wyers, who had started to create one, but instead filed it away in the Office of Extended Projects, where all ideas go to sit around for a few years.

Terms of Service keeps STF out of court (for now)

After the rather long, involved, and sometimes "spoon!" discussion in Command about a Terms of Service, a conclusion has finally been reached. Edict 28, subtitled "A Modern Promtheus," has created a Terms of Service by which all prospective STFians must agree before joining the organization. Said STF President Nick "A good odor is something I" Lackie of the Edict, "I feel that it really is one of those things that will positively impact humanity. Unless it's one of those things that looks good, but will ultimately destroy humanity. It's kind of funny, in a way." Some of the stipulations of the Terms of Service include, but are not limited to, requiring monkeys to be on leashes at all times. Says paragraph 1, section B, subsection beta, "All simians shall be attached to leashes such that they, the simians, shall be held by such devices known as leashes to the extent that leashes shall restrain the aforementioned simians until such time that the simians previously mentioned shall no longer be restrained by leashes." When asked whether or not this was wordy, confusing, and nonsensical, Lackie deferred to his vice-president, Scott Dale "Baskin" Robison. At that point, Robison deferred to a cardboard cut-out of Lee Majors and fled the building, cackling manically into the night. Authorities blame an overdose of Pepsi One, which has been known to cause mental abnormalities.

'Chocolat', STF-style

For almost ten years, STF has been home to good, wholesome family fun. That all changed last week in a rather risqué post on Outpost 42 by Paula "James T." Kirk and Barrett "Yowza!" Vogtman. The post (which will most certainly not be reprinted here, you perverts) graphically depicted those things that most folks do with the blinds down. IDir Butch "Cassidy" Carter was reportedly "very upset" and "muy enfadado." The Internet Department acted quickly to remove the steamy post, which it will sell on the black market for $19.95 and wrap in a plain, brown wrapper.

STF President Nick "Scratch" Lackie reprimanded Kirk by demoting her (again) and removing her as CO of Outpost 42. Vogtman was similarly punished, except he was not removed as CO of Outpost 42. As usual with these sorts of things, STFians voiced their opinions, unwanted or not, in Command. Many expressed outrage, and Cmdr. Danielle Steel, CE of the USS Stardust, noted that "these guys are going to hear from my lawyer. That scene came straight from one of my novels!"

ID releases shocking lists of user information

STF's very own Internet Department released a preliminary set of statistics last week detailing user logins. Internet Director Butch "Jacques" Carter reported on login trends over a period of several months. Not surprisingly, July had the most logins, while December had the fewest. Carter also used his strange, necromantic ID powers to determine who logged in the most over a period from April to January. The winner was noted Fleet One Personality Mackael "I wish I had real friends" Stockhausen, which is not surprising, since Stockhausen has 47 characters in Fleet One alone. When asked his secret, Stockhausen replied, "Reclusiveness is an art, and like any other art, requires practice, practice, practice. I look forward to the day when I ascend from mere reclusiveness to 'hermit'-type status."

EC selected; rules given; obey, or else!

Last week, purported STF Brandycheese Nick "Dent" Lackie announced his selection of FComm-4 Larry "Bird" Garfield as the Election Coordinator. Experts called Garfield's subsequent rules regarding elections as "the most legalistic ever." Headline News obtained an excerpt from the regulations, and here they are:

The STF 2001 Elections (hereafter, "Elections") shall commence at a point no later than, nor earlier than, March, 2001 (hereafter, "March, 2001"). In the event that they shall be commenced at a point earlier or later than the March, 2001, they shall be declared null and void and new elections shall be held. Election processes (hereafter, "Election processes") shall begin at midnight on the day immediately following the last day in February and immediately preceeding the second day in March. "Midnight" shall not mean "midnight" in any logical sense of the word, nor in the sense for which it it considered correct, but shall be considered "midnight" in as much as it shall be referred to as midnight of the day immediately preceeding the day for which it is actually midnight.

Remember, this is just an excerpt. The actual election regulations are eight thousand pages long and have to be stored in a warehouse in Memphis, Tenn.

My shuttlecraft broke the other day. It was morning, I was about to go to my job at SNN Center, where I sit at my desk and throw pencils into the ceiling all day. I was rather distressed; if I was late, I'd never get to the coffee pot on time. That lousy Larry Garfield would take it all, and everyone would be too lazy to make a new pot, so I'd be stuck in my office all day with no coffee. What was I going to do?!

Fix it myself, that's what. How hard could it be? A matter injector here, an ODN junction there, some funny-looking thing that's glowing and making me feel tingly. I put my briefcase down and got out an old set of shuttlecraft tools that my father-in-law had given me years ago. "H.," he said, because he didn't know my first name, "use these tools whenever your shuttle won't work. But whatever you do, don't play with anything that says 'no user-servicable parts.' That stuff's dangerous; it could kill you a hundred times and then come back for more!" He was a mechanic-turned-actor who made backing up the optical chips a grand and glorious occasion.

The shuttle self-diagnostic said that the problem was in the "fusion pre-burner," something that sounded very important. I opened her up and saw what I dreaded to see: "no user-servicable parts. Refer maintenance to a qualified shuttle technician." But I threw caution to the wind. Maintenance? This is just fixing a bad fusion pre-burner. I had a dozen of them in the garage somewhere. How hard could it be to hook one up?

The first thing I did was disconnect the matter hoses. It wasn't the sudden release of exhaust gas that got me; it was the slush deuterium which was at -10°C. That's very cold, especially against a bare face. I tried to wrench the pre-burner free as best as I could, but it was stuck. So I pulled on it until it came out. That's when the alarms started. Apparently, you're not supposed to remove the fusion pre-burner until you do something else that makes it safe instead of life-threatening. "Warning: fusion pre-burner assembly has been removed. Shuttle autodestruct in 35 seconds."

Augh! Autodestruct? I panicked. I panicked a lot. "Did the computer say 'autodestruct' or 'auto shutdown'?" I asked myself repeatedly. I dived under a workbench and waited 35 seconds. When I heard the happy power-down sound and not the unhappy kaboom sound, I knew that life was beautiful once again. I needed a towel to get the sweat off me.

After that little autodestruct episode, I threw the fusion pre-burner into a box and called in sick to work. Rigelian fever, I said. Let us know when the tentacles fall off, said the switchboard operator. Apparently she knew how Rigelian fever worked; I sure didn't.

And that was my foray into the world of the shuttle mechanic. It was a dark and dangerous journey -- I would even venture to say that it was "perilous." The shuttlecraft mechanic fixed the problem in about ten seconds and charged me 248 space-bucks. "248?" I said. "Isn't that a little steep?" It's an expensive part, he said. Plus, he had to fix the hoses and connectors. Some moron (probably another mechanic, he said) had ripped the fusion pre-burner out without disconnecting the matter distribution coil. "What a fantastic fool!" I exclaimed. "Only a fool wouldn't disconnect the matter dis ... dis ... what you said."

Last one to leave gets stuck with the check

We understand that we haven't published in a long time; we also understand that elections are here, right now. That's why we swear by our motto (which will be enumerated below) that we will provide up-to-date election information during these times which try men's souls. In our next issue, we will dig up all the dirt we can about the candidates and present them to you in a way which mirrors our motto (which will be, as stated before, enumerated below).

As we stated twice above, we have a motto. We stick to our motto, which is defined as "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Should we deviate from this motto, the executor of our will is required to pour cocktail onions down his pants. We really can't make stuff like this up.

So, to summarize, our next issue will be Part One of our Collectible Election Edition and will list the candidates (and possibly the issues). Also, we'll take a good, hard look at Cairo, the hip codename for effWeBB 3.0 (or 4.0; we can't remember) and talk about it with its inventor, the prestigious STF codemaster Jason "Y." Lee. Unfortunately, a security deposit is required before you see this issue so that we can cover any damage caused by it to decent journalists, so bring your sense of humor and your check for $850!