Fleet 7 defeats Truman

In what can only be described as the most startling event ever to happen in STF since Seamus "Harold Ramis" Hughes was elected, STF IRCheese Mike Scott I issued the most startling Edict of his administration.

He actually commissioned Fleet 7. We're not kidding; he really did!

After sixteen potential presidents (by our count, which may or may not be influenced by an overdose of Pixi Stix) have promised a Fleet 7 but failed to deliver, Robison has become the first to fulfill a campaign promise. Edict #3, posted on 12 April, officially created Fleet 7. Three ships from other fleets - the Curie from F2, the Genesis from F5, and the Brandywine from F6 - were transferred to create the new fleet, which will be headed by former FComm-5 Nikolle "The fleet run by a girl" Burchett. Robison's reasoning behind picking ships from the fleets he did was that those three fleets had more than their allotment of "RPG areas," including bases and those crazy planets (like Crell in Fleet 4; what's up with that?).

There was much talk about Fleet 7 in Command in the days and hours leading up to the Edict, as well as reminders that the STF population hadn't grown significantly, and thus there was no reason for the new Fleet. At the end of the Edict, Robison threatened menacingly, "Expect more ship related edicts soon, kids." He then added an insidious ":)" to the end, making his comments all the more dastardly.

Washroom key transferred; Lackie warns, 'Do not duplicate!'

In an election that had more twists and turns than a rough endoplasmic reticulum, Scott "Chip and" Dale Robison was chosen by the membership to be the new President of STF. The transfer of power was bloodless by STF standards, as the armed Elite Guards of the Lackie administration peacefully gave way to the equally armed Elite Guards of the Robison administration. Robison's first act as President was a rather unusual one: he put out an open casting call for anyone to apply for department head positions. "This is really weird," said STF legal scholar and Screen Actors Guild president William Daniels. "Usually, the President just appoints people without anyone regard from anyone. To hold an open casting call is a first for us. Personally, I plan to audition for the role of 'Nameless Ensign no. 3'."

WeBB gets makeover; Tammy Faye joins IDept

Users to the WeBB after 3 May will find themselves in a quite a shock when they hit the button for STF's main page. All of the pages have been changed from Healey IDept Standard that has been the norm for two years to a newer, more Star Trek-style standard. Says Internet Director Butch Carter, "Healey liked tables, and we can respect that. But Star Trek doesn't like tables, so we decided to op for the LCARS look." What they didn't expect was for the IDept to kidnap Majel Barrett and force her, at gunpoint, to record such weird messages for the new layout as, "Seamusbars in place for your protection," and "This is a no QuoteGag area." SNN Headline News tried to talk with Barrett, but she was in a no QuoteGag area (not a coincidence, we think).

Robison to remove all non-STF pages from server

"Hmm," we said to ourselves as we first heard of this proposal, "That sounds suspicious." Indeed it is, for the plan to remove personal pages from the server did not seem to kick up the dust in Command that we thought it would. Only Headline News Grand Poobah Mark "The cheese stands alone" Wilson and SNN Deputy Editor Larry "Nermal" Garfield objected. In place of the personal pages on the server (SNN's entire archives being one of them), Robison commissioned an OOC library that would "provide an official home" for all of the STF archives, which are basically Update and WeBBsights, anyway. The primary purpose of this pick-up 'n' move seems to be cleanliness: IDir Butch "Doctor" Carter wanted to remove all non-STF material for security purposes (not to mention the fact that all of the people who had personal pages on the STF server are gone now). Robison did not specify when the OOC library project would be completed; he only said it would happen "Real Soon Now."

Wyers has girlfriend

While the headline above is news, anyway, we discovered that there's even more to this story than meets the eye. Colin "Frayed" Wyers revealed to our man on the street (disguised as a friendly hot dog vendor) that his girlfriend's last name was "Hughes." Naturally, this received priority attention in our Ridicule Department, and a message was immediately dispatched to former STF president Seamus "The female Seamus" Hughes. Faced with such facts, Seamus confessed to dressing himself up in drag and dating Colin. "All of that Farmer Joe stuff was just a ploy to get him to take me to dinner," Hughes said in an off-the-record conversation. "But it wasn't romance. I needed him to take me to dinner because I couldn't afford it! Without the salary from the presidency, I was destitute! He also buys me nice things, like this pearl necklace."

Another interesting fact we learned was that Miss Hughes is a chemistry major. We told Hughes about this, and he fessed up, tearing off his Seamus Hughes mask to reveal that he was none other than . . . former STF President (and biochemistry major) Mike "traP" Bourdaa! "Okay, okay," said Bourdaa solemnly, "I'll admit it. Seamus was just a creation of my subconscious. I went too far when I made the Seamus mask and I really went too far when I dressed up as Seamus dressed up in drag. But the reasoning is still the same: I need money!" Faced with this, Wyers said that he would continue to take Hughes/Hughes/Bourdaa to dinner and would even pay for his (her? their?) psychological treatment. "Who knows?" said Wyers. "Maybe he/she/they will decide to stay a woman; then I can continue to have a girlfriend! Woo hoo!"

'Project Omega' debuts as competition for SNN

Haven't they learned their lesson? Last year, so-called "WeBBpapers" were all the rage, with a media MOTD created to manage them all. None of them lasted beyond three or four issues. Now, Mike "Grouse" Rouse-Deane and his cohort, Eddie "Vetter" Lawson, have teamed up to create a new electronic periodical, suspiciously titled Project Omega. The periodical offers non-STF news, as well as an opinion poll. The information presented is usually factual, with little opinion thrown in; to substantiate reports, the editors feel it fit to include quotes from the actual people involved. SNN cannot condone any of this activity. Opinion polls? We tell our reader our opinion; what do we care what they think? We have monopoly power! And using real facts with no opinion? That runs counter to our Journalistic Motto (see below) that has kept us going for 60-some issues (we really don't remember and are too lazy to find out). We also noted that it was updated recently, also a break from our journalistic tradition. In our expert opinion, such a periodical cannot survive; STFians are interested in what we at SNN think. And as for updating every day, well, they'll burn themselves out soon enough. Either that, or we'll poison their coffee supply.

In the Hot Seat

Nick "Slick" Lackie used to be the president; the current president hasn't begun the process of erasing history yet, so we know that much. Typically, ex-presidents involve themselves in social or economic affairs. Jimmy "Earl" Carter devoted himself to Habitat for Humanity, which makes homes for the homeless. Jerry "Rudolph" Ford has served on the boards of directors for many corporations. We wondered what Lackie was doing with all of his spare time, so we decided to call him up and ask him how things were and might he not like to go golfing with us? He said yes, then promptly fell down.

1. What humanitarian organization have you joined (or created)?
Since I felt the best service I could do humanity was to take up the fight against fraud at the hands of garment fastening devices, I've founded Organization of Concerned Citizens Against Zippers and Buttons. Haven't we all had just about enough? I mean, come on! These leeches are doing work that could be going to hard-working and barely paid illegal immigrants. Well, I'll tell you what, Mr. Mayor: I'm onto them, and you can bet your that little kitty cat of yours that I'll be watching them from now on.

2. For what companies are you on the board of directors?
I'm Chairman of the Board for a company that makes boards for tables and chairs, and I recently accepted a position as Defense Minister for a local accounting firm.

3. What will you call your memoirs?
"Wheat Bread and Paperbacks: How I Learned that Midgets are Funny"

4. How will you discredit/downplay your successor and his achievements (or, how will you emphasize his failures)?
Just between the two of us, I've been putting mercury in his food. By the end of his term, he'll be so mentally incompetent that he just might make my presidency look good by contrast.

5. Is your SuperFriend still the same, or has eight months of presidency made you tired and cynical, forcing you to choose something like "Guy Gardner"?
As you know, last time I chose Napoleon III as my SuperFriend. Well, since then he sent me a really nasty telegram and in response to that I think I'll switch to the L.A. Lakers, since they -- together with some guy who was stupid enough to bet against them -- just made me some money.

The saga continues

You're probably asking yourselves, "How would Headline News rate President Robison's first hundred (or so) days in office?" The answer is that we think thus far he's doing a pretty good job. The patronization and tactlessness has been kept to a minimum, and we think that's great for marketing and keeping things quiet. Now the test comes down to the president's second hundred (or so) days. This is when the kid gloves come off and everyone shoves proposals down his throat. We've got our front-row seats.

And through the spectacle, while we munch on popcorn and hot dogs, we'll constantly be thinking to ourselves, "Did we turn the stove off? Is the garage door closed?" But we'll be reassured thanks to our safely-stowed Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.

Next time, we present you with a new story about how worried you should be with the quality of your haircuts. Silly? Indeed. Using scare-tactics to attract an audience? You bet! But through it all, we thought about the people we'd be helping -- the little people (not gnomes) of the cities and towns that would benefit from an expose on haircuts. We were also strapped for a deadline and took a notepad with us the last time we got a haircut. Hey, if you wanted Pulitzer material, you wouldn't be reading an SNN publication.