STF townsfolk frightened by OGREs and DRAGONs; 'will no one save us?'

For the folks in the town of WeBB, things are usually pretty normal: they gather water from the well, gather lumber from the forest, gather moss from rolling stones. One dark, cloudy day, however, the stupid, happy life of the good people of WeBB was put to a bitter end by a large, looming creature who came in and drank all the water from the well, plucked all the trees from the forest, and stopped the rolling stones so that no moss gathered. This was an OGRE of the most fiendish type. He covered the town and its fair citizens with red tape eighty feet thick, so that all of the townsfolk were suffocated under its burdensome weight. As he was swallowed up into the red lake of pain, one person, a small boy who had been the batboy for the local baseball team, pleaded, "Will no one save us?" But his plea was met with nothing but the sounds of other good townsfolk sliding into the sticky, crimson morass that was their new home for eternity.

The above story, which is fictional, tells the true story of an OGRE that has come into our happy little world. This OGRE was summoned by GM Necromancer Barret "And grin" Vogtman and noted Fleet 4 cabalist Larry "Odie" Garfield. The two labored in an underground laboratory for weeks, deciding how best to build this monster. They decided that the monster would first destroy the existing GMD and replace it with a very similar GMD that had stucco walls instead of smooth ones. In reality, the aptly-named OGRE is not a monster bent on destroying the world, but a 2000-word proposal authored by Garfield and Vogtman. The letters in OGRE stand for "Omnibus GMD Revisionary Edict" and its name implies, it would revise, by edict, the GMD in an omnibus way.

One of the more notable (and most easily parodied) parts of the OGRE is the brand-new classifications it creates for potential GMs (PGMs) in the GMT Training Program (GMTTP). The are Lots of Acronyms (LA) created in this new proposal, and we'd like to offer some of them for You (Y):

• GMC: Participant in the GM Certification Program
• DMC: Consolation gift (DeLorean) given to those who fail the GM course
• GMT: GM in Training who has passed all courses
• GMWAF: "GM Without A Face"; name given to Mel Gibson should he decide to GM
• GDMFGM: Greg Hertzsch's title when he's a GM
• GMBLT: Name given to a GM who dresses up like a sandwich and dances for nickels
• GMCQ: "GM Con Queso"; given to a GM who smothers himself in cheese and jumps against the windows of the President's office

While it's obvious that most of these levels are necessary to filter out the riff-raff, one wonders if Vogtman and Garfield's proposal goes far enough. We spoke to Garfield (though disguised our voice and called ourself "The Masked Scallion") about the OGRE and its depth. "If you ask me," said Garfield, "it doesn't go far enough. Barry and I agreed to tone it down, since the Gum-Chewing Public (GPC) wouldn't want that much regulation. My idea of heaven, though, is for me to be the GM on each ship so that I can personally control the sims everywhere. But, alas, I don't think I'll ever get that wish. I've asked Santa for it for about twelve Christmases now, but he hasn't delivered. My lawyers are at the North Pole as we speak." We suggested that Garfield ask the Easter Bunny for such a request, but he gave us a disgusted look and hung up the phone.

The fate of the GM Department now lies in the hands of a giant OGRE that threatens to peek into the windows of everyone in the countryside, especially buxom ladies and princesses. Currently, alchemists at SNN are working on a way to subdue the OGRE, possibly with a steak or a software package. If this OGRE is brought to life, no one will be safe from its wrath; we will have to flee the countryside -- flee our little cottages, our blacksmith shops, and our Dark Tower of newspaper publication.

65 issues: oh, the humanity

That's correct. SNN Headline News celebrates its sixty-fifth issue today, a milestone as far as STF media goes. You see, thus far, the longest-running publication in STF history was Headline News's predecessor, SNN Update, the hilarious semi-monthly periodical devised by FComm-2 Emeritus Mike "The Shark" Ballway. Update ended its run at issue number sixty-five. Now, Headline News joins the ranks of longest-running periodical in STF with its 65th issue. But we don't intend to stop there. No, SNN Headline News intends to continue on past issue number 65 -- onward, perhaps, to 75 or 100 (the latter requiring a considerable amount of work on our part). In any case, we will continue to strive for the same high journalistic standards (remember, these are "high" relative to the Inquirer) that we have adhered to for the last 65 issues. And, as always, we will keep with us always our motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.

Stockhausen, Stephenson engaged; new ranch is called 'Double S'

In what can only be called the second such event, two STFians are getting married. Fleet One King Mackael "Mackie" Stockhausen and Sydney GM Emily "Braunstein" Stephenson are scheduled to tie the proverbial knot (the real knot, the one in Stockhausen's stomach, has yet to be untied). The plans for STF's most recent marriage have yet to be made and/or announced, but Headline News will bring you this information as it precipitates from solution.

The Stockhausen/Stephenson pairing is only the third in a bunch of real-life STF engagement, the most notable being the combination of then-GMDir Deanne "Back then her last name was" Morgan and relative newcomer Steve "Back then, his last name was" Ashton. As for the first, well, we can't quite remember that far back and don't have the budget to hire folks to look for that sort of thing. Let's just pretend it was ... oh, Mike Bourdaa and Ginger Johnson.

AIDir's office as vacant as a NE's head

It's not often that presidential edicts are officially documented "help wanted" ads. Edict 13 was one of these rare occurrences, asking for a new AIDir in the wake of Butch "Anthony" Carter's resignation from the office of IDir. He cited real life and an illness in the family as reasons why he could not continue as IDir. As such, AIDir Chris "Rock" Healey was promoted to the office of IDir, a position with which he is not unfamiliar (which is to say, not not familiar). The search goes on, then, for a right-hand man for Healey. Edict 13 officially states that he (or she) must be "responsible ... computer literate" and possess an Intel® Pentium III processor running at 333 MHz. The preferred requirements are "responsible ... very computer literate" and running an Intel® Pentium 4 processor at 850 MHz with 256 MB of memory. Healey wants to stress that he would like a "preferred" AIDir instead of a "minimum" one, since his games won't run as fast on the latter.

Breaking news from the ID Fortress! Hours before we went to press with this issue, IDir Chris "If you don't stop picking, it won't" Healey announced his selections for the new ID staff. Former STF Director of Pain Colin "Don't play near those" Wyers was chosen as AIDir, while Emma "Mouse" Rouse-Deane was named as the 2AIDir (in laymen's terms, the "assistant assistant Internet Director"). Healey then brought to a rolling boil several vegetables and noodles for what he called his "IRC Revamp Soup," which included limiting the number of OPs in the #star-fleet channel to a few select people: the Prez, Veep, IDir, AIDir, 2AIDir, the Coder, and the two IRC administrators. In no particular order, these STFians are Mackael "Mackarel" Stockhausen, Mike "Reading this stuff makes me" Bourdaa, Scott Dale "Swiss Family" Robison, Emma "My last name is" Rouse-Deane, Colin "Frayed" Wyers, Barret "Boatman" Vogtman, Chris "Sit! Stay!" Healey, and Dustin "With a dustpan and a broom is my idea of fun" Bukowski. Healey also made note that the irc.webducky.com server would no longer work, since it would be taken offline. He urged STFians to switch to irc.lameducky.com before it was too late, or else the fate of humanity would be sealed and wild lima beans would take over the world.

Has everyone forgotten his roots?

While trudging through some web pages the other day, intrepid SNN reporter Peter Peterson suddenly had a revelation (no, not a USS Revelation). He exclaimed, "Here it is -- July 17 -- and we haven't even discussed the McParty! Not to mention that, but this is the tenth anniversary of STF!" And Peter Peterson couldn't be more correct. It is, in fact, July 17. As we soon discovered, though, he was also correct about the McParty.

For STF novices, the McParty is a party held in the OOC every July 21 to celebrate the founding of STF on ... well, July 21, 1991, by Jose Monroy. The McParty is not named for McDonald's; rather, it is named for former member Kate McCarthy. We at SNN had always expected a gala the likes of which had never been seen before for McParty X, STF's tenth anniversary McParty. Amidst all the Command squabbling and talking about OGREs, though, it seems that we've forgotten all about it! Well, not to fear, intrepid readers, as your favorite Grand Poobah has taken care of it. Members will be greeted by the biggest blow-out since the formation of the universe, courtesy of SNN, of course.

Wasn't too long about that I was part of STF. About 10 months. Give or take 32 minutes. Just a simple Chief Science Officer. I never actually held any position of power. (Besides a few here and there and at those times I was so doped up on Flintstones Vitamin Pills, I barely remember it.) I can state unbiasedly that STF has reached an all time low.

I can't say that I've read STF since I've left, I can't even promise that remember who's the president but I can make brash quick judgments of things. I'm good at that.

According to my informants on the inside of the inner workings of STF, (As opposed to the outside of the outer workings) STF has successfully merged with another club. Something called "Fleet 7." I don't know much about Fleet 7 but as far as I can tell the MOTD enjoys the use of flashy colors and gimmicks to attract members. Much like the Hair Club for Men except it has nothing to do with hair, clubs, or men.

I can tell you that using Looney Tunes cartoons on MOTDs might seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, it didn't work for Michael Jordan's career and it won't work here. After a few cans of Pepsi One, the cartoons look less like cartoons and more like the cast of Freaks and Geeks. (i.e. Not Pretty)

Speaking of ships, I went back to my old stomping ground. Stomped a little. And then a little more. After that, I went to the USS Revelation. I wanted to see who was in the crew. As much as I tried to read the roster, it just wasn't possible. The new color coordination would make Joan Rivers roll over in her seventh grave.

I shook it off and read WeBB OOC Zone. Luckily no one ever posts there. I left feeling like I had done my research for this article. Only took 3 seconds. (Faster than a Colin Wyers Presidency.) God Bless Inactivity.

I went back to the command fleet and started to read HQ. I found that Larry has finally started to refer to himself in the third person. (See also, Topic: Concern, Note:0, Reply:0) Something along the lines of, "Similarly, Cdre. Larry Garfield has been Dockmaster for nearly four months, before this presidential term began." Signed, Larry Garfield. It takes a brave man to refer to himself in the third person. It takes a braver man to laugh at that man. Seamus Hughes salutes you, Larry. Seamus and Larry should do lunch. Seamus will have his people call Larry's people.

I learned that some guy named Scott Dale Robison is the STF president. This frightens me. Usually people who are referred to with three names are the type that try to kill the president, not be him. I was reminded of Jack Handey's old saying, "I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

I shook that off too. I made a mental note to explore this "Gamemaster Department" that STF has now. I took a nap. Watched a little Survivor. I figured if I don't support the show by watching it, that they'll take it off the air soon. I feel bad for CBS. It's like the crazy Aunt that used to be an Uncle. Everyone knows he's there, no one acknowledges him.

I got back online. I checked my mail. Got one message from a Mike Bourdaa. I wish that guy would stop e-mailing me. I don't know what "serenity" is but I don't have yours, Mike. Please stop asking.

I went back to the GMDept. The MOTD seems to like the baby blue color. I'm glad someone does. I'm kidding, Jeremy. I like the color. Seriously.

After that lying, I felt a need to do something to make it right. I read the EDept as my penance. There's something called the Ogre ship being debated. I don't know what it is but I'd just like to state unequivocally that I like it. Not because I enjoy the specs but because no one else does.

James Speck asked me to join his ship. I told him I would when Fleet 3's MOTD gets updated. I'm still waiting.

I went to the USS Nautilus. I thought I decommissioned this ship ... from the MOTD, I learned the ship is on red alert. I decided to head elsewhere. Quickly.

I read some news article from something called the Omega Project. I hate News Organizations that start at the end. I wish they'd start at the Alpha and make their way slowly to the Omega. It confuses me.

Mark Wilson tried to convince me to write an article for SNN Headline News. I told him if he picked the number I was thinking then I would. Damn his luck.

Someone asked me how I felt about the current STF scandal. Although I had no idea what it was, I told them that they should have a party in WeBB OOC Zone. That always worked for me.

I hear there is suppose to be a Fleet 8 soon. I think it'd be funny to call it 'Fleet 8 Humans.' That's clever AND witty.

Someone said that I was the #4 best president of all time. I told them that Richard Nixon, William Taft, Jimmy Carter, and Ulysses S. Grant were a much better presidents than myself. They laughed. At the Jimmy Carter part.

Back to my original point, ten months ago, STF was a thriving club. On a serious note, it still is. Good job holding down the fort. ;-)

At least the same WeBBsights issue is out. I guess the more things change, the more things stay the same.

Admittedly, this trip is a lot better than the Lake Erie trip; I'm going somewhere where you pay for swill instead of accidentally stepping in it, mistaking it for a lake. I'm being sent here to cover the Country Music Awards of 2378, where the odds-on favorite is an android that can belt out Achy Breaky Heart in twelve thousand languages on six hundred frequencies simultaneously. And, he wears a ten-gallon hat (37.85 liters in today's metrically correct society). There are no other androids on the list that wear ten-gallon hats, so he should be endeared to the country music academy's heart.

But since this event will only last two hours (and I'm being sent here for a week), I figured I might as well look around and see this wonderful Las Vegas that everyone always talks about. I began my trip in the ill-famed part of town, the part where I see Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue thinking about killing themselves. Yes, this was in the movie theater, which charged me $75 for a movie ticket and $25 for a "small" popcorn, which was approximately the size of a bathtub (William Howard Taft's bathtub). This movie theater was not the famous AOL-TimeWarner Theater in Hollywood that contains the handprints of famous Hollywood celebrities and movie executives; no, this was one of those insidious Omniplex theaters with one hundred screens on twelve floors spanning three dimensions. It took me two days to find theater number 1085C, partially because I got involved in a conversation with a being from the Martha Stewart dimenson who advised me on redecorating my shirt pocket. These creatures, it seems, have no sense of time, and before I knew it, I had purchased a lifetime supply of Lint-Be-Gone™ and sworn allegiance to Home and Garden Televison (HGTV). On the plus side, though, I get a discount at Michael's Craft and Torture Supply stores.

Speaking of strange people, "Vegas" (as they call it) is awash with people dressed up in tuxedos at the entrances to many nightclubs. Someone has advanced my name to them and their only job is to throw me out of every place I try to enter. Even the tuxedoed man at the YMCA tossed me out. I later found out that these people, called "bouncers," were given my name by one of those Insidious Forces of Darkness, otherwise known as the cast of Dharma and Greg. That's no matter, though; I quickly found an entertainment spot that I had heard of before: Caesar's Palace! I ordered the doorman to take me directly to the Dictator himself, whereupon he looked at me strangely and gave me a handful of complementary "chips" that I could eat, which I tried to do, but they didn't digest that well.

Another tuxedoed man, seeing my predicament, suggested I try one of the "one-armed bandits." This tuxedoed man, instead of throwing me out, gave me a cupful of coins (which he told me not to drink; finally, some instructions around here!) and told me to feed them into the machines with the levers. As I proceeded to the parking lot to put coins into the parking meters, I wondered why they would want me to fill the parking meters with coins. I deduced that it was part of a plot to cheat the police out of well-earned money. I called them and informed them that there was "racketeering" going on (I didn't know what that word meant; I heard it on an episode of The Untouchables). Ah, I fulfill my civic duty once again.

You can imagine that I felt pretty good about stopping a "racketeering" ring, so I thought I might treat myself to a gift. In Las Vegas, there is no shortage of gift shops. There are a variety of establishments that are willing to offer quality merchandise at reasonable prices. Very reasonable, in fact. I found a T-shirt which said "Las Vegas" in large letters for only $39.95. I snickered as I handed my credit card to the clerk.

"Keep the change," I said.

"But sir," he responded, "I ..."

"No buts. Just keep it." He shrugged his shoulders and handed me my brand-new T-shirt to commemorate my rather successful stay in Las Vegas. As I left later that week on a ValuJet flight bound for SNN Center's private airport, I reflected on what a good time I'd had and all the new friends I'd made, from those "bouncers" to that nice, tuxedoed man to the clerk at the T-shirt shop. Only Julius Caesar made me angry, as he'd refused to see me. You can be certain that his palace will receive an angry letter about that.

Looking back at 'SNN Headline News'

Here at SNN Headline News, we get a lot of letters, like "How do you get people to read this trash?" and "How do you sleep at night?" The answer to both of these questions is: lots of tranquilizers.

Another question we're asked surprisingly less often is, "You feature a lot of the same people in each issue. In how many issues have these people been featured out of 64 already published?" The answers are somewhat startling. Listed is each of the top ten most mentioned people, along with how many issues each was featured in. This is sure to cause some rioting.

1. Mike Ballway (52)
2. Mike Bourdaa (51)
3. Larry Garfield (50)
4. Seamus Hughes (46)
5. Colin Wyers (44)
6. Greg Hertzsch (36)
7. Mark Wilson (35)
8. Bob Spurlin (26)
9. Nikolle Burchett (20)
10. Deanne Morgan (20)

Another question people ask is, "Will H. Simon Gregory ever come out with a compilation of his columns?" The answer to that is "yes." The Ford Prefect Co. has published a collection of his columns just for SNN. This volume is available in Microsoft Word format and can be yours for the low, low price of $39.95! Just click the link to download and send us the money. And they said that the honor system didn't work . . .

Reaching into the mailbag, we found another question that many STFians ask. "Where is SNN Center?" they say. "You refer to it often. Does it exist?" In fact, SNN Center does exist. Its address is 435 N. Michigan Ave. in Chicago, Illinois. Of course, since SNN Center exists in only the 24th century, the land is currently occupied by the Tribune Tower. We're working on a buyout, though!

Finally, it's time for our one favorite article from 65 issues. Here it is, in all its glory (from issue 63):

Wyers has girlfriend

While the headline above is news, anyway, we discovered that there's even more to this story than meets the eye. Colin "Frayed" Wyers revealed to our man on the street (disguised as a friendly hot dog vendor) that his girlfriend's last name was "Hughes." Naturally, this received priority attention in our Ridicule Department, and a message was immediately dispatched to former STF president Seamus "The female Seamus" Hughes. Faced with such facts, Seamus confessed to dressing himself up in drag and dating Colin. "All of that Farmer Joe stuff was just a ploy to get him to take me to dinner," Hughes said in an off-the-record conversation. "But it wasn't romance. I needed him to take me to dinner because I couldn't afford it! Without the salary from the presidency, I was destitute! He also buys me nice things, like this pearl necklace."

Another interesting fact we learned was that Miss Hughes is a chemistry major. We told Hughes about this, and he fessed up, tearing off his Seamus Hughes mask to reveal that he was none other than . . . former STF President (and biochemistry major) Mike "traP" Bourdaa! "Okay, okay," said Bourdaa solemnly, "I'll admit it. Seamus was just a creation of my subconscious. I went to far when I made the Seamus mask and I really went too far when I dressed up as Seamus dressed up in drag. But the reasoning is still the same: I need money!" Faced with this, Wyers said that he would continue to take Hughes/Hughes/Bourdaa to dinner and would even pay for his (her? their?) psychological treatment. "Who knows?" said Wyers. "Maybe he/she/they will decide to stay a woman; then I can continue to have a girlfriend! Woo hoo!"

Okay, now it's over

Yes, friends, SNN Headline News will continue to publish for many years to come. We just signed a $35 million dollar deal with Disney. We don't invade their marketplace, they don't blow up our store. We wanted to go to the police, but they threatened to burn our house to the ground if we did. We still like The Lion King, though.

And speaking of the Lion King, it's time to come to our motto! But, as we bask in the glory of 65 issues, we realize that we are also honoring another historic STF publication: the one that inspired us and encouraged us. No, it's not Aye on the WeBB, but SNN Update, which we still maintain is the funniest periodical in STF history (much to its editor's insistence that SNN Headline News is the funniest periodical in STF history). We graciously thank FComm-2 Emeritus Mike "The other Mike" Ballway for his support, his occasional columns, and the use of his motto, which is "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.

Next time, we threaten with more of Seamus Hughes's rants and raves, as well as McParty X updates. Our Bookie Relations Department has set the odds at 5-2 that a Jell-O War is going to break out. You can't lose! And what's more, you can't lose with another issue of Headline News. It tastes good, and it's good for you. It builds strong bones and teeth, as well as an immunity to biological weapons. That's-a spicy meat-a-ball!