You might be asking yourself: "Why the heck are they cracking jokes about this? This isn't funny!" That's what we thought at first: that all of this stuff that has happened is far too sensitive to crack jokes about. Then we realized that humor is a way of dealing with grief, especially if you're making fun of Osama bin-Laden, as we intend to do. Therefore, we ask that if you feel that jokes even remotely related to the attacks on September 11 are in poor taste, do not read this first article. We've warned you. On the other hand, if you'd prefer to try and get back to life as usual, then by all means, read this article. All we know is that we thought this was the best way for us to deal with what's happened, and we know that there are like-minded folk out there. But in the interest of pleasing everyone, we offer this disclaimer so that we won't get emails berating us for being tasteless. It's very simple: don't read it if you think you'll be offended. We are very regretful of what's happened and we have no desire to mock those who have died, but normalcy must be gotten back to. And now, on with the show!

America attacked; knocked to canvas, but gets back up

In a piece of real-world news as jarring as it is difficult to write about, four Boeing "jumbo jets" were flown into several American landmarks on September 11, 2001, a day that will most certainly live in infamy (kudos to us for coming up with that original monicker). US officials, after waking the CIA up from its nap, were quick to determine that Saudi multimillionaire and child film star Osama "Baoul" bin-Laden was the mastermind behind this plot. Bin-Laden, of course, is no stranger to terrorism, having been behind both the bombings of the USS Cole, attacks on foreign US embassies, and a previous attack on the World Trade Center. "He doesn't like the US," said a senior FBI official. "We have been doing studies here ever since 1993, when the WTC was first attacked, and we've concluded that bin-Laden is upset over the cancellation of Cheers." After some diplomatic juggling, which involved skewering Jesse Jackson over an open pit (a unanimous decision reached by the Senate), SNN's own Peter Peterson was able to interview Mr. Bin-Laden. "It is true that I'm not fond of the US," said bin-Laden, "but I could handle that before 1993. I had Cheers to tide me over. Once that went off the air, though, I lost all rational thinking. I set out to eternally punish the United States for getting rid of the greatest television show ever made. That Frasier, he cracks me up!" Upon hearing that Frasier was given his own NBC spin-off, bin-Laden was a little speechless. "I'm a little speechless," he told Peter Peterson. "Oh boy, this makes me look foolish." He then threw a vase at Peterson and jumped out the window, fleeing into the Afghan caves where he lives and works, writing children's books under a psuedonym (it's always the last person you'd suspect).

An outpouring of national support followed the tragedies, with people waiting in line up to three hours to donate blood. Over these past few weeks, stores have sold of out American flags, as many Americans are buying them and hanging them incorrectly in their windows. Tattoo parlors also report a sharp increase in demand for flag tattoos, briefly displacing scantily-clad ladies for the number one position (though we think that America will soon come to its senses). Currently, the Navy SEALS, the FBI, the Marines, and the cast of Dawson's Creek (unknowingly acting as decoys should trouble arise) are involved in a multi-country manhunt for bin-Laden and his network of fellow terrorists. The FBI thought it had found a windfall when it cornered three hundred folks in turbans and long, black beards, but it turned out to be an Osama bin-Laden lookalike contest. Secretary of State Colin Powell acknowledged that the winner really looked a lot like bin-Laden.

OGRE signed into law

October 7 was an important day for STF, not just because it marked the 7th day after the beginning of the tenth month (a miracle in and of itself). It was, ironically, the same day that STF Mike Scott I (known alternatively as Scott Dale "Crusoe" Robison) Edictifed the long-debated Omnibus GMD Revisionary Edict, called OGRE (or YETI behind its back). The Edict, first proposed in 1992 by a very young Mike "All this debating makes me" Bourdaa, outlined exactly what the current avatar of the OGRE outlines, as though he went into the future to get it. "Actually, I knew just what STF would need nine years down the road, and I also knew that it would be in the debate process for nine years, so I figured I'd beter start early. I even knew to credit Larry [Garfield] and [Jeremy] [Friedman]."

For those who have been living under a rock for the past little while (Voyager went off the air, by the way), the OGRE serves to create some sort of logic in the system for training GMs. Said Jeremy "When I got out of jail, I was a" Friedman, "The old system of the GMT was not selective enough in its process, kind of like a seive where the holes are too big. Our seive has smaller holes." Friedman then admitted that he had never heard of the OGRE and just thought of the seive simile because he was sprinkling confectioner's sugar on his newly-baked brownies. "Please don't tell anyone," he urged after offering me a brownie. "If Larry finds out, he'll take away my allowance. Then I can't bake brownies anymore!" Friedman, though, was correct: the OGRE offers two pathways to Full GMT status (FGMTS): the path of Certification or the path of Apprenticeship. "No, no," reassured Garfield to a horrified STF populace, "neither is the path to the Dark Side. That's the Engineering Department's jurisdiction."

Wilson resigns long-held 'aFComm-1' position

It was a sad day when FComm-1 Mark "Spalding" Wilson announced his resignation from both the USS Victorious and STF's Fleet One. The strapping young lad cited college as the reason for his departure, though confessed that he would still remain on the GWF's Constellation, if only so he could keep a room at the GWF Arms Apartments. Many and few were saddened by the loss of Wilson as an FComm and CO -- at least, they were. STF Clerk-at-Arms Werner von Hossentheffer, having nothing to do on a rainy Friday night, decided to search through STF archives for fun. His findings were quite controversial: Wilson was never technically an FComm at all! "Looks to me," said von Hossentheffer, "that he was listed as Den Hannigan's aFComm. The president at the time was apparently really optomistic that Hannigan would be coming back." The president, as it turns out, was none other than Mike "traP" Bourdaa, now a resident alien working without a visa. "I was always waiting for my Den to come back to me," said Bourdaa. "I just didn't have the heart to eliminate him completely; I guess over the years people just assumed Mark was the FComm. But I never forgot ..." Bourdaa then proceeded to trail off, as indicated by the ellipsis points. Whatever his position, we salute Wilson as a true STF hero (for obvious reasons). Cordell "Hull" Garrett was named AFComm, and former Ogawa CO Steve "Reeves" Ashton has replaced Wilson as CO of the Victorious. We wish them good luck and ask them to send us our private stash of dirty limmericks and liquor (it's in a secret compartment under the captain's chair).

'STFers' cause strife in Command

Though the STFers don't start until December, the STF Academy of Arts and Sciences revealed several preliminary awards (called "technical awards" that no one cares to sit around to hear) last week that caused some heads to turn (although it was later determined that the turning heads were caused by muscles in the neck rotating the skull on top of the spine). As usual, "Best Internet-based STF Bulletin Board Software" went to Mike "traP" Bourdaa for "effWeBB," which caused several STFians to voice their consternation. "He always wins," lamented AFComm-7 Nick "I'm no one's" Lackie. "I'd like to see some of the other candidates get a shot. It's just not fair." To everyone's surprise, however, "Best Command Squabble" went to the most recent quibble over the STFers. "It was actually the squabble over the STF Awards themselves that did it," said John Steinbeck, president of the STFAAS and author of Of Mice and Men. "The list was pretty close up until then, but once this debate started about the relevance of the STF Awards in Command, we were blown away. It was an excellent performance; I nearly cried. Excuse me, I get a little verklempt just thinking about it." SNN congratulates all participants and hopes that they will contribute to more excellent Command Squabbles in the future.

Moovok!

If we ever had an arch-nemesis, it would probably be Seamus "Harold Ramis" Hughes. If we had two, the second would definitely be Mike "Grouse" Rouse-Deane. Mike is the founder of STF's latest electronic periodical, Project Omega. Though we lamented through many issues that PO would be put out to pasture like all the other WeBBpapers in the past, PO has had remarkable sustaining power. Analysts attribute this to its polls, which Mike seems to win, even if he isn't included in them ("Hmm," we said to ourselves). Looking for an answer, we went to the source: Mike's parents. They slammed the door and called the police, so we decided to look for Mike, instead. After disconnecting his phone and barring the door, we made him tell us what we wanted to hear.

1. Have you ever had aspirations to be a pastry chef, or a chef that works with any kind of chocolate sauce?
Yes.

2. Answer the question that everyone's been dying to know the answer to: why "Project Omega"?
Hahaha, not my choice. It was going to be Fleet Beat, but talking with Larry, he stated that he didn't want me and Eddie to use it, so Project Omega was the choice. And no, I will not tell you why we chose Omega, I like to read SNNHN's theories on that, one day you never know, you might get it right

3. How do YOU spell relief?
Relief.

4. Not with any kind of headache medicine, like "Excederin" or "Ambesol"?
Well, as a matter of fact I take sanomigran tablets, once a day, no druggie here. And now and again a paracetamol. But, no, no Excederin or Ambesol

5. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Greek strongman Heracles or heavyweight champion (and grill magnate) George Foreman?
It depends, do you mean Hercules? or Heracles (whoever he is)?

SNN: Well, "Hercules" (as spelled that way) is the Roman version of "Heracles" (who is exactly the same, but Greek). Saying that he's "Greek" and "Hercules" isn't right, since "Hercules" is the Roman spelling.

Heracles then :)

SNN: Why him?

Cause I haven't a clue who George Foreman is, not really a fighting watching person, and plus the Disney movie really made my feelings for Hercules's strongness come out, so I picked the Roman spelling :)

6. If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, would that be "amore" or "a moon stuck in your eye"?
Amora or amore, however it's spelt

7. "Time is the fire in which we burn." Has this been true in your opinion?
No, I believe time is a companion, that is around with us, to tell you to treasure each moment, cause they'll never come again.

8. If given the chance, would you fly around the world in a hot-air balloon?
Before I die, yes. I'd even bungee jump from it, if I got the guts

9. What's in Project Omega's future? More icons? Some crazy editorials from people who are really you operating under a psuedonym?
I would like it to increase, more articles, more items for people to look at and use, basically more enjoyable for the people who read it. It's basically them I'm doing it for, but no more icons! They just add some images to a HTML page. And every editorial that I get isn't edited and are only written by me, if my name is there! :)

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Guy Richardson, he's been a good friend and thanks to Stu's suggestion, I'll be meeting him more often to go round town.

Warning; spoilers ahead! Okay, now you've been warned.

When I first heard about Enterprise, a went through a variety of emotions. First I was scared. Then I was apprehensive, then nervous, then anxious. Then I felt kind of sleepy, but now I'm glad that there's something on the air. I was mostly nervous about the choice of Quantum Leap alumnus Scott Bakula as the captain of the ship. I really was expected Al to appear and tell Scott Bakula that "Ziggy doesn't think the warp drive can be repaired!" Of course, that would be massive copyright infringement and everyone involved would be horribly killed.

Enough people have complained about the theme song, so I'll just let that one stand.

Let's talk about Scott Bakula again. His character bothers me. He's very gung-ho in that "Fine, I'll be the only one who stands up for what's just!" attitude that all the other Star Trek captains had. The only problem is that the other captains showed a human side; we could see the difficulty it took to arrive at their decisions, and we could appreciate their humanity. Captain What's-His-Name has no humanity that we can see; he's just gung-ho and sometimes comes off as arrogant. When the Shapely Vulcan Female confronts him (go on, pick an occasion, any occasion), she accuses him of being arrogant, and he proceeds to act arrogantly! I can see why the humans of this time period don't like the Vulcans; they're always right! Scott Bakula and all his friends onboard are arrogant, especially that Texan engineer fellow. I don't like him much.

And that lady figured out the Klingon language pretty quickly. For a language that has no relationship whatsoever to any known Earth language, that's impressive. If she's not in the pantheon of Greek gods, then she should be: as the goddess of linguistics or something.

Yes, let's talk about the ship. Looks a lot like an Akira-class up on top, doesn't it? And what's up with all those touchscreens? I thought the producers said this would be mostly dials and switches (of course, I guess this is all part of the adjustment from the 1960s vision of the future with 1960s technology, so now we have to re-think everything). Still, for a ship they claimed was going to be like a submarine, it's pretty roomy and it has all the superfluous lighting of the other ships from past series. If Starfleet were a real entity, I don't think their primary concern would be backlighting the wall for dramatic effect.

And while I'm complaining, remember in Star Trek: Insurrection when Riker calls for the manual control joystick? Was that corny or what? I mean, talk about an attempt to please dumb non-Trekkers. There's a joystick on the navigational console, for crying out loud! And why does Riker have to use the manual control thing? There's a helmsman; I'm sure he's more qualified than Riker to drive the ship.

But back to Enterprise, now. Kids, cover your eyes; it's time for the "grease me up with the antidote scene." Yikes! I'll admit that I laughed and laughed through that entire scene. It really did look like second-rate softcore pornography, and on a Star Trek? I was okay with Rick Berman and the Dominion War, but this really crosses the line. The close-ups of Texan Engineer really weren't necessary, and we didn't need such a visual indication that the quarantine chamber was a little chilly. Yes, even chaos theory agrees with the notion that removing that scene would have absolutely no effect on the rest of the show. Fortunately, I was pleased to see in the third episode (the "psychotropic pollen" episode) there was none of that sort of thing, so I guess they decided that pleasing irate Trekkers was more important than garnering ignorant viewers on UPN.

Okay, what do I have to say about Enterprise? It looks okay. I liked the beginning of Voyager better, though. More humanity. Here? Less humanity, more bravado. Even Kirk had more humanity than this (and he never lubed up Spock, which is definitely a plus). I guess I'll keep watching, as long as Enterprise doesn't interfere with STNG reruns on TNN. I'll have to watch those to build up some sort of shield before I watch Enterprise.

Okay, spoilers are over. Go about your business.

The wallet inspectors still have my wallet

With this issue, number 66, SNN Headline News officially becomes the longest-published STF periodical, a title that we will no doubt exploit on every application we fill out. Like other long-serving STF periodicals, we maintain a tradition of infrequent publication, due in no small part this time to our new life at Miami University in scenic Oxford, Ohio. Fear not, though, for we will continue to publish (intrepidly) our quaint little periodical until we can publish no more, probably because our fingers have melted from so much typing.

But before our fingers melt and we're forced to feed ourselves by way of intravenous applesauce, we just want to remind our readers of our motto, which will remain intact even after said applesauce becomes a part of our life. That motto? "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events, a motto that we believe is less a motto and more a mantra (though it would be hard to say several times in succession during meditation, so that's probably a bad idea).

Coming up in the primely-numbered issue 67, the folks at 13 SNN Center have come up with yet another Frightening Halloween Issue, one that is sure to frighten away the dead and living alike (an odd effect that even the non-Halloween issues seem to have). A gaggle of ghouls will be collected to celebrate All Hallow's Eve in style, from Count Dracula to Joan Rivers, both of whom have no reflection in a mirror. Until then, we urge you to stay away from cemeteries and charnel houses, as well as any houses in Beverly Hills, because you never know where Joan Rivers will rear her ugly head.