It's that time again

Just when you had gotten used to the idiosyncrasies of STF's current praetor, it's time to democratically appoint a new one. In a much-ballyhooed Edict #25, Mike Scott I (known in other circles as Scott "Jackie" Robison) appointed Colin "Frayed" Wyers as the Election Coordinator for the November 2001 elections. "Thank you very much," said Wyers, putting down his scythe and ruffling some papers from a prepared speech. "Nominations begin October 29 and end November 5," he told a captivated audience at Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco. "To be a valid ticket, one person needs to nominate. Another person needs to second. The candidate needs to accept and name a vice presidential nominee, who cannot be the nominator or the second. No monkeys may run for the office of President or Vice-President. The ticket needs to be certified as valid by the Election Coordinator. Certification as valid will check that all of the above is met, and that none of the handles involved are duplicates." When asked about the no-monkey clause, Wyers replied, "The proliferation of monkeys in STF elections must stop now. We have commissioned a study which found that 49.5% of all election problems can be tied directly to monkeys. The other 50.5% of election problems are indirectly related to the New Deal. In the long run, I think the monkey thing is most under our control." The primaries open November 7, and the general election runs from the 16th to the 27th. At the stroke of midnight, current president Robison will turn into a pumpkin as Wyers announces the victor. Robison will then be turned into a pie which will be eaten by said victor.

'It was a graveyard smash,' reports eyewitness

TRANSYLVANIA -- In what can only be called a new miracle of modern science, one Dr. Victor Frankenstein has invented what he purports to be the greatest dance in the history of mankind. "I was working in the lab late one night," recalls Dr. Frankenstein, "When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. It was quite by accident, you see: the monster I was building began to rise and did the Monster Mash! It appears to have caught on in a flash." Witnesses driving by the mysterious castle on that dark and stormy night reported hearing the sounds of music coming from the laboratory in the castle east. "There was so much singing and dancing; all I can say is that it was a graveyard smash." Not everyone was as pleased about this new Monster Mash, however. "Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?" questioned one Count Dracula, upset that his dance had been bumped into second-place by the Monster Mash. "I don't see what the trouble is," said Frankenstein. "The zombies were having fun; everyone was digging the sound. We even had the Coffin Bangers and their vocal group, the Cryptkeeper Five." When informed that his Transylvania Twist was now the Monster Mash, Dracula appeared to be cool; now, he's even a part of the band. Some humans had qualms about their ability to enjoy this fantastic new method of entertainment. "Don't worry; even the living can enjoy the Monster Mash. It's not strictly an undead thing," assured Dr. Frankenstein. "Hrmm ... Mash good!" agreed Igor, that impetuous young boy.

From the bowels of Command

While no one Command story merited a whole section of its own, the folks here at SNN Headline News have decided to keep the STF populace up to speed with the goings-on of Command, so here we present some of the latest gossip from Starfleet Headquarters.

A NEW TOS (AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT KIRK) -- STF Mike Scott I (better known as Scott "Swiss Family" Robison) has written a new revision of STF's Terms of Service. Debate about this has remained remarkably civil, as members' biggest concerns are to what extent STF holds a copyright on "submissions" (the stuff that members post on the bulletin boards). Talk later centered around Shockwave Flash-oriented MOTDs and the hardware/software requirements around them, where the odd man out seems to be Robison himself. "I admit it," he said later in a press conference, "I'm running the Internet on a 12 MHz Packard Bell with a 2400 BPS modem, and that's in turbo mode!"

IC LIBRARY OPENS FOR BUSINESS -- No longer under the jurisdiction of the Office of Extended Projects (read: the bottom of someone's "in" box), the IC Library has finally been updated in a spiffy new style with spiffy new definitions for spiffy new things. Originally conceived of as a common pool of reference for GMs and members to use, it fell into disrepair for a few years, then was broken up for scrap metal by the Ottoman Turks. Fortunately, though, Alex "Fitzburn's mortal enemy" Verdusco saved the day, and within a few months, STF had, once again, a bright, shiny IC Library that it could call its own.

PINK SLIPS GIVEN -- Citing time constraints, both Atlantis CO Conor "Christopher" Lloyd and FComm-2 Jaret "James" Hargreaves have been relieved of their duties. Hargreaves was succeeded to the GWF Throne by Mike "With this new job, I'll never be" Bourdaa, who is notorious in Fleet 2 circles for having removed GWF 2.0 on the Fleet 2 MOTD when he last held the job of FComm-2. Lloyd was tossed out onto the street in favor of David "Did you know your last name's an adverb?" Wonderly, whose batting average was just slightly higher.

Why do I always get stuck with these weird stories? It seems that relations between the undead and the not-dead have become more strained than they already are. At the Pan-Phantasm Convention in Las Vegas this week, ghouls and goblins from around the world united to protest their shabby treatment around Halloween time. "We demand some respect," said one Nosferatu, from some crazy Romanian province. "The only time we get any press is Halloween, and then it's bad press. People treat us like we're going to come into their homes and drink their blood or something. That's patently false; most of us have to be invited before we can come in and drink their blood! And another thing. What's this 'vampire' nonsense? That term is very out-of-date. We prefer to be called 'revenants.' It has much less social stigma behind it."

One Madame C'hiang Schich was in agreement. "You know, man, it's wrong to try and impose your moral code on other people, man. I mean, you're not the boss of me. You can't tell me that I, as a recently deceased Chinese corpse, am not allowed to cannibalize the living. It's just not in my nature! And you can't change nature, man. That's totally bogus." Spokesmen from the Underwriters' Necromancy Department of Equality Among the Deceased (UNDEAD) were quick to echo Madame Schich's sentiments. "Revenants have certain requirements that are placed upon them, and they must fulfill these requirements. It's just like any other job. You wouldn't expect a baker not to bake, or a teacher not to teach, so why expect a ghoul not to eat the bodies of his fellow corpses? It's just unnatural."

"There are also a lot of misconceptions about us," noted one Mrs. Banshee. "We banshees don't wail like the movies say we do. It's a myth that has persisted for years, and we're tired of it. We cry, we don't wail. And we cry in the presence of those who are about to die; in fact, we're crying about those people that are about to die. Wouldn't that make you sad? It certainly makes me sad." Mrs. Banshee then cried in front of me for forty-five minutes, which made me a little edgy. Perhaps all of these crazy characters have a point: there's a lot of living-centric thinking out there. Many people would believe that the living are in some way "superior" to the dead simply because they're alive and don't have to continue living in this plane of existence for some reason.

"The movie industry is to blame for a lot of this," said one Chief Windigo of the Ojibwa Native American tribe, in between munching on a human sandwich. "Poltergeists, for example, aren't real ghosts. They're just manifestations of intense psychic energy. I believe if you look at every poltergeist report, you'll note that there was a teenager in the house. Now, I ask you, when is the biggest state of psychic unrest in a person's life? That's right, it's puberty, not any kind of ghost or goblin. You people really must stop perpetuating this myth."

It seems to this reporter that there is a cause-and-effect problem here. Dead people come back to life, and then their images are usurped by Hollywood and popular culture. Perhaps initially they came back to re-enact scenes of their death, continue actions they pursued in life, or attempt to warn the living. Now, though, they come back to life to try and sort out the fiction and the fact of their own existence, an existence that has been warped over the years. Perhaps if we would all take the time to look into the facts of these scary creatures, we'd find that even Chief Windigo, who is twenty feet tall and has a lipless mouth with jagged teeth, can be a friend to anyone. "The unknown is not something to be feared, but studied," said one Professor Zombie of the Jamaican Institute for Voodoo Studies. "In fact, I'm not really dead, just in an advanced state of unconsciousness that might make it appear as though I'm dead. Don't tell anyone else here, though; I get free re-entry with a hand stamp."

All of us would do well to take the example of the attendees of the Pan-Phantasm Convention, who are willing to accept the living as their friends and brothers. The true message of Halloween is not "tricking" or "treating," but of learning to love our fellow walking dead. If all we see is the fangs, the blood, and the flesh hanging off skeletons, we're not seeing the true people inside. Let's stop all this feuding over such a simple issue as the state of decay of one's body and unite as one people, alive and dead ... and undead. Perhaps the true lesson of Halloween should be "Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Revenants" or something like that. Only when we learn to celebrate the undeadness of the undead can we achieve peace and harmony in the world.

Wolfman: just a softie at heart?

He can only be killed with a silver bullet, and he only appears during full moons. While your first guess may have been Frank Stallone, may be suggest The Wolfman instead? They're equally hairy, but only Wolfman is a traditional Halloween movie character (Frank Stallone is in the application stage). During a recent full moon, we caught up with The Wolfman as he was rampaging through a small town. Relaxed by doggie treats, he agreed to let us ask him the poignant questions that scholars have always wanted to ask Wolfman.

1. Is it just that excessive hairiness disease?
Boy, do I wish. Nope, I'm really a wolfman. I was bit by a wolfman and didn't seek professional help, so here I am now. It's a lesson I learned the hard way: even if it seems innocuous, always see a doctor.

2. You haven't had as much screen time as other monsters. Why?
I think it's my appearance. Count Dracula is suave and sophisticated, the Mummy is covered up so that you can't see his terrible visage. Even Frankenstein is well-dressed. Me? Too hairy and a ripped shirt. It's all about image in this town. Quite frankly, it makes me sick.

3. Want a silver bullet?
Leaping lizads, no! And keep anything else that's silver away from me, you lunatic!

4. Have any doctors ever looked into a cure for your condition?
Oddly enough, no. In the Journal of the American Medical Association, I saw a cure for vampirism, but not a cure for werewolfism. So much discrimination.

5. Say, that looks like a full moon.
Uh-oh. This might get a little ugly.

6. How ugly could it ... oh, it hurts! Oh, the pain! Stop with the hurting! Someone call the police! He's out of his mind! Oh, still the pain persists!

Mmm ... brains

That's exactly how we keep the zombies away: our periodical is entirely brainless. If brains come within even twenty-five yards of 13 SNN Center, we shoo them away with a broom. We're that committed to remaining zombie-free, which is important, because once they move in, it's very hard to get them out. Aside from that, though, we feel we've had a most excellent Scarific Halloween Edition, a Headline News tradition for three years now (issues II.44 and II.58, both available in the Archives, were our past Halloween Editions). SNN Headline News would like to point out that for once in our lives, we've done research; all of the information contained about monsters and such in this issue are absolutely true. Not a thing has been made up. Neat, huh?

What else is neat is our Slightly Translucent, Partially Dead Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF events. Enter at your own risk.

In our next spectacular issue 68, we will delve into the Fall Elections 2001 as part of our Non-Stop Election Coverage that will no doubt span three issues and eight hundred thousand years, ending in a future that is run by superintelligent rabbits and their artificially intelligent machine friends. At that point, whoever is president of STF will be a little bit irrelevant, so in retrospect, it's probably a bad idea. Of course, the election issues won't be all that bad, as we've made this issue more frightening than usual to desensitize our readers to the elections, which are many times more horrifying. Our hair is turning white just thinking about the elections, so we'll end the issue here before we run away, screaming madly into the night. (Admittedly, we were going to do that, anyway.)