It begins ...

Barring any contests by Nick "I guess I'll be Garfield's" Lackie or Bob Hope, all tabulations show that FComm-4 Larry "Nermal" Garfield has been selected by the STF populace as the new president. When tabulated by the WeBB's steam-powered tabulating engine, the final count was 66 votes for Lackie, but a resoundingly greater 73 votes for Garfield. "Some people say she's past her heyday," said Mike "Mulligan" Bourdaa of his vote-tabulating engine, Mary-Ann. "Sure, there's electric tabulating engines, and diesel tabulating engines, and fusion tabulating engines, but we still counted more votes in a day than most men could count in a week!"

The Key to the Executive Washroom will now be passed from current lame duck Mike Scott I to President-Elect Garfield (the MicroCheese), in a gala ceremony that will be held (or, by the time this is published, has been held) on November 30 at the President's Office in San Francisco. Robison was thankful to get out of the office. "I started feeling tiny and oppressed. One morning I awoke to find that I was a cockroach, but later discovered that it was a Metamorphosis-induced hallucination." When asked what he plans to do with his newfound freedom, Robison responded, "I'll book the first shuttle out of here and never look back. You'll never imagine the horror I saw in the President's Office. I'm going to a remote corner of Fleet 8."

Garfield posted Edict #1 on 6 December, announcing his All-Star Cabinet Lineup. Veep Jeremy "Bakedman" Friedman was appointed to the position of GMDir (with a =/74 million stipend, still being investigated) while up-and-coming STF sensation David "Wonder Boys" Wonderly was given the role of IDir. Brandon "That was an expensive vase that he" Stoll was assigned to PDir, while Steve "The devil went down to Florida" Ashton was given back the spot of ACmdt, a position he had previously held with some success for Team STF. Greg "Give 'till it" Hertzsch was retained as FComm-1; Mike "This list of people is making me" Bourdaa was signed up for FComm-2, but declined the spot, instead choosing to be the team's waterboy. James "Crumb" Speck was retained as FComm-3, while Emma "Grouse" Rouse-Deane filled the newly vacated spot of FComm-4, previously held by Garfield, who held the record for most consecutive years as FComm, beating Lou Gehrig's record as FComm-3 1/2 just last year. Dustin "With my dustpan" Bukowski, Stuart "No quiero trabajar; quiero descansar" Coll, and Nikolle "The fleet run by a girl" Burchett were retained as FComms-7, 5, and 6 (not necessarily in that order).

Controversy surrounded Garfield's retention of Bret "Gilbert" Godfrey as aEDir like a cloak made of an as-yet undetermined fabric. Godfrey claimed in Command that Larry "vehemently" wanted to retain is position as ED Dockmaster, even though it might be perceived as a conflict of interest, since Larry would be both Bret's boss and subordinate.

Speck command conflict causes criticism, cabbage

Ah, command! In what can safely be called one of the most ridiculous Command conflicts to date, FComm-3 James "T. Kirk" Speck was chastised, first anonymously, then nonymously, for his somewhat distant FComm-style. A few current or former Fleet Three COs raised questions about Speck's ability to command, and hinted that perhaps he should be removed as FComm-3. Then-candidate Larry "Vince" Garfield was asked whether or not he would retain Speck as FComm-3 should he win the election; in essence, the complaints were made to Garfield. USS Atlantis CO David "and Goliath" Wonderly made an attempt to complain to President Scott Dale "Crusoe" Robison about the lack of an update on the Fleet 3 MOTD, but Robison assured him that a lack of MOTD update was no cause for alarm. What isn't stated in these 25 or so messages in Command is why Wonderly did not talk directly with Speck in the first place, instead going to Garfield. What also isn't stated is why Deanne "Morgan" Ashton felt it necessary to bring what was clearly a Fleet 3 issue (and should have been dealt with privately as such) to Command. Speck has been FComm-3 since time immemorial, and this has always been his command style. While many FComms use mailing lists and ICQ, AIM, IRC, email, and tin cans with string to stay in contact with their COs, Speck has always remained in the background, letting the COs run their ships without interference from him. As Deanne stated, this incident teaches us a lesson about communication; in fact it does: that communication should be go to a person rather than circumventing that person completely.

Last-minute edicts appoint 'midnight engineers'

Just two hours before his time in office was to expire, STF President Scott Dale "John Adams" Robison posted Edict #33, the second-to-last edict of his administration. The edict claims to supercede both past Bourdaa edicts concerning ownership of ship designs and the lifespan of ship designs. (Robison must have failed to note that in superceding Edict MBourd-16, he has demoted Colin "Frayed" Wyers, since it was that edict that promoted him to commodore in the first place. Sorry, Colin.) Edict #34, the penultimate Robison edict, was a revision of the Terms of Service. His last, Edict #35, promoted FComm-5 Dustin "The crops" Buskowski to the rank of Fleet Captain. Edict #36 was a rather humorous joke edict that self-expired at midnight (he's leaving office; he can do whatever he pleases). So, too was it with Edicts 37-40, more joke Edicts.

Robison also hid within Edict 38 a clause appointing one William Marbury to the office of Engineer of the Peace of San Francisco. Upon finding this edict, newly installed president Mike Larry I repealed this edict and appointed his own people. Marbury was very angry and decided he would file suit against the STF President, represented by STF Secretary of State Quincy Jones Madison. In a landmark case, the STF Supreme Court ruled yesterday in the case of Marbury v. Madison that Mike Larry I was well within his rights to rescind Edict 38; it also established the precedent of judicial review.

And the winner is ... an inanimate carbon rod!

On December 15th at 10 PM EST, STF held its first annual "STFie Awards" awards show, the first such event of its kind in STF. Lurking in the shadows behind the curtains were Steve and Deanne "The Ashtons" Ashton, and hosting the event was recently unemployed former STF President Scott Dale "Faster than you can say Jack" Robison. Full award results are available at The STFies web site, but Headline News has the highlight awards right here. The award for "Outstanding Prodigy Alum" went to Mike "Bourdaaski" Bourdaa, much to the chagrin of David "I thought I had the write-in vote on my side" Platt, who was also a favorite in that category. STF President Larry "I finally get to use my clout" Garfield was named "Outstanding WeBBer," as well as "Best CE," "Best STFer," "Best STFer named Larry Garfield," and "Best Bill Gates Lookalike." Emma "The other one" Rouse-Deane also had an excellent showing, picking up awards for "Most Valuable Player," "Best CO," "Best XO," "Best Medical Junior Officer," as well as twenty-five other awards, including the Nobel Prize for physics and the French Legion of Honor. Far more entertaining than the actual awards, however, was the heckling going on in the #star-fleet chat room during the ceremony. Unfortunately, we weren't present for Robison's singing, but we understand that it was most cacophonous. Much of the heckling in #star-fleet was actually interesting and insightful observation, such as when Mike "The Shark" Ballway noted of Bourdaa's "Outstanding Prodigy Alum" award, "So you're telling me, he gets an award just for staying around this place forever? I'd give someone an award for getting the hell out!" Or, as Owen "Cities are bigger than" Townes declared, "My stomach can't take the thought of DD or Bourdaa in a romantic relationship. Where's my Maalox?" This one was also a gem: "Now let's vote for Even More Obscure People." Remarked Ginger Johnson of the nominees for Best Medical JO, "I think I failed one of those people in the medical course." Then, of course, began the gentle ribbing of Emma "Bovary" Rouse-Deane. Townes retaliated with this gem: "If [the awards are] made out of chocolate, Emma's gonna take a couple of warp factors off of her ship when she's done eating the awards." Added Bourdaa, "We'll see if she's best CO when she can't fit in her chair!" In the end, when the dust had cleared, the heckling log ended up being more entertaining than the awards themselves. One can only hope that the next awards show, the STFers (a name of pure marketing genius if ever there was one) will provide as much fodder for satire. The STFers will be operated by Mike "Arch-nemesis" Rouse-Deane and Project Omega; the family is expected to rent a warehouse to store Emma's next batch of trophies.

Command fills up with Christmas cheer

Boy, we never expected this. The appointment of David "Wonder Boys" Wonderly to the position of IDir caused a little consternation in some circles, but none more so than the circles inhabited by former IDir Chris "Rock" Healey. The latter was quite upset at the former being appointed IDir and cited various issues he had had with the former (the latter former, not the former former) concerning completion of projects in the Internet Department. This prompted AIDir Mackael "Mackarel" Stockhausen to try and defend his point-of-view on the subject, which prompted a response from Healey, which brought Barret "Oatman" Vogtman into the fray. He took his turn pummeling Healey, and Healey responded by pummeling Vogtman back. AFComm-1 Cordell "Rachel" Garrett made a well-intended but malformed attempt at conciliation and was promptly pummeled by everyone. Then, Vogtman became upset at Healey's quotation of scripture in his signature line. As if things weren't wacky enough, this prompted still more pummeling from civil liberties activists, including FComm-1 Greg "This pummeling really" Hertzsch, whose opinion of "Tough poop" will no doubt live in STF infamy. STF personality Colin "Copper" Wyers then took his turn pummeling Vogtman for usurpation of free speech. Vice-Cheese Jeremy "I wish this pummeling would stop" Friedman tried to mediate the dispute and show the combatants how personal, hostile, and utterly ridiculous their argument had become, but he was knocked out by a left-hook from Healey. Many others took the opportunity to tell the combatants that what they were doing was ridiculous. Then they proceeded to voluntarily ensnare themselves in the battle. Healey, in response to this barroom brawl (among reasons), resigned his position as CO of the USS Polaris. At the end of the ordeal (which lasted eighty-seven hours), everyone was bleeding and no one could remember how the argument began. Once notified, all the participants' mothers arrived to take them home, clean them up, and send them to their rooms without any supper.

'A SNN Christmas Carol'

Now a Christmas classic in STF for three years, A SNN Christmas Carol, written by SNN's own Mark "McGuire" Wilson, is a delightful send-up of the Dickens favorite. It features such STF greats as Colin "Frayed" Wyers, Deanne "Then-Morgan" Ashton, and such STF legends as Mike "The Shark" Ballway and Jeff "Wrigley" Field. You'll laugh, then cry, then probably continue crying if you don't thrown it down in disgust first.

The ongoing battle for power within STF has welled up to a point where no well can hold it anymore. Just last week, a very peeved Supreme Pontiff of Siskoism stormed out of the president's office muttering a variety of profanities, which one wouldn't think would be very holy. After I saw Pontiff Mike leave the scene in the Pontiff-o-Mobile, I questioned President Garfield about what the heck was going on. "That's Pontiff," he replied, "He won't leave me alone! The patronage system has failed!" Then, he began to tell me a story ...

It all began when Garfield was campaigning for the presidency of STF. Being the Archbishop of Siskoism, he had some sway within in the Church of Sisko, but granting full spiritual and temporal authority to the Church of Sisko might have appeared to be a conflict of interests. As such, Garfield promised to grant this authority to Mike "The Shark" Ballway, the Supreme Pontiff of Siskoism, in perpetuity, 'till death do they part. "It was supposed to be an easy job," said Garfield. "One day, I would just write an edict that gave the Church of Sisko supreme control over everything in STF. I never thought I might get tied up in the lust for power."

And tied he was. Tied like a pair of shoelaces. Tied like a distressed damsel to railroad tracks. When the Pontiff came to him the day after he was elected, the two plotted out their plan for takeover: the Supreme Pontiff would have power over STF, and Cardinal Garfield would have his own lifetime supply of Cheesy-Poofs. "I never asked for power," lamented Garfield. "It just sort of happened that way. Mike was supposed to have the power, and I was supposed to have the processed cheese food. This isn't the way it's supposed to be!"

Garfield began to wonder whether or not it was ethical to hand over complete control of STF. He decided to consult a Magic 8 Ball which, when asked if he should hand over control of STF to Ballway, replied, "Ask again later." Garfield powered down the 8 Ball, waited thirty seconds, then restarted it. "Yes," it spoke, clearly and concisely, almost as though it were the Sisko Himself speaking from that Magic 8 Ball. "At that point, I knew it was a sign from Sisko that it was Ballway who had gone power-hungry, not me. I had to act fast. I removed his name from all the party lists in STF, then had a little chat. That was what you just saw: he excommunicated me! That doesn't matter anymore, though. I've got him one-up. I'll just withhold the taxes that would normally go to the Church; then we'll see how he likes it!"

After a few days had gone by, I read in the Church of Sisko Telegraph that the Supreme Pontiff had called in some hired goons to rough Garfield up. Unfortunately, they only dismembered his look-alike, which put the MicroCheese even more on the alert. In a last-ditch effort to maintain his authority, the Supreme Pontiff of Siskoism issued the Unizam Sizanctum, a document that self-proclaimed the power of the Church of Sisko in all matters, spiritual and temporal. The real Siskoists, however, saw that this was a final, desperate attempt to hold on to the fleeting remnants of shattered dreams. Ballway's ill-conceived dream of one STF united under his and Sisko's rule was gone, and in its place was a strong government led by President Larry "Nermal" Garfield, an ethical bastion who resisted the seduction of power. "Not really," he explained later on. "After I thought about it, having total control of STF myself is a lot better than Cheesy-Poofs. I mean, as President, I can have Cheesy-Poofs any time I want, and I can commission ships. Life is good." Indeed, President Garfield. Indeed.

Elana Rubin: 'Did you know your last name's a sandwich?'

Most people don't have to worry about Germanic tribes anymore; they've been gone for roughly 1300 years. Elana "Atilla the Hun" Rubin, however, deals with them every day. As the chief of the USS Pict, she's constantly trying to cross the Rhine and get to the Roman Empire. In a rare look at this mysterious chieftan, Headline News plunders the depths of Rubin's mind, searching for a reason why there's so much hostility toward the Romans. Perhaps one day the Rhine will freeze and she can lead her fellow Picts across it and sack Rome, once and for all. Or maybe Rubin is just the CO of the USS Pict and not the chief of a Germanic tribe. We're not quite sure anymore.

1. What is the Elana Rubin experience?
Hmmmm ... probably having a rip roaring argument usually about nothing in the Club's IRC chat room.

2. So, do you like long walks on the beach?
Nope can't stand sand between my toes.

3. I hear you're the "Pachisi queen." Who's the Pachisi king? Is there a prince? A whole Pachisi court?
LOL -- nope I rule unapposed as many are too scared to face my uncanny skill at Pachisi. <BG>

4. Will you hire yourself out as an assassin if someone ... well, we'll call him "Bill" ... wants to hire you?
Sorry, I don't kiss and tell.

5. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Has this been true in your experience?
Very much so.

6. What do you want for Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or Kwanzaa? Or all three?
Most times I would say a life time supply of books of my choosing but right now I would like a salution to the situation here in Israel.

7. Are there any good Hanukkah songs? Would you sing some for us?
As soon as you sing some Christmas carols, that way the embarassment would be shared. <G>

8. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: fictional sorcerer Harry Potter or ancient Persian king Cyrus the Great?
Harry Potter, after all it's a bit hard for a warrior to fight once he's been turned into a frog.

9. Can I borrow some pants? Mine are in the dryer.
Hmmm ... what do you prefer: vinyl or hotpants?

10. Who's your favorite SuperFriend and why?
Wonder Woman -- she is about the only woman super hero who wasn't someone's side kick or lackey. <G>

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Oh, the carnage was terrible! Grandma was just lying there with deer and sleigh tracks over her -- he didn't even try to stop! They've put out an APB for a man in a red sleigh and matching red suit. I hope they find him and punish him severely for this atrocious crime! Oh, why must the holiday season begin with so much pain? This would never have happened if it were the Easter bunny!

And speaking of holidays, SNN vows to remain true to its carefully wrapped, hung by the chimney with care motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events.

When we regain our sanity, the next issue will feature a wonderful Year-in-Review. Re-live all the Command Squabbles you thought had calmed down, and watch as we re-ignite the flames! There's nothing like ringing in the New Year to the sounds of screaming and bloodshed. It reminds us of home, actually. And while we're at it, we urge readers to view our newly updated Archives page, which has been reformatted for your pleasure. It now contains the dates of each issue, as well as synopses of each issue going back to September, 1998 when we first began HTMLizing this wonderful periodical. Until then, have a happy and materialistically fruitful holiday season.