Looking back with 20/20 hindsight

Well, so far, the first year of the new millennium has been quite a doozy -- in like a lamb, and out like a lion, as it were. We in STF have had our share of interesting situations, as well. Now, we look back at the past year with an analytical eye: what worked? What didn't? Where did my bathtub go?

TOS (not The Original Series)

Several un-kosher postings to the Fleet 5 Mailing List as well as some risque posting from Paula "James T." Kirk and Barret "Vogtmeister General" Vogtman led STFians to wonder what might happen in the event that someone outside of our lovely organization was offended by some of this stuff. The cry went up, "We need a Terms of Service!" STF Mike Nick I responded with Edict 28, which created such a document. The Terms of Service have been modified several times since then to reflect picayune semantic changes and the addition of four goats named "Leonard" to STF.

Fleet 7 finally a reality

After at least forty-seven years of intense debate, Fleet 7 was finally made tangible by newly-elected President Scott Dale "Swiss Family" Robison. One of the first edicts of his administration, it finally silenced expansionists who had been clambering for a new fleet. Rather than commission new ships for such a venture, Robison moved the Curie, Genesis, and Brandywine to the new fleet, clearing up space in already-crowded fleets 2, 5, and 6. Nikolle "The fleet run by a girl" Burchett was selected as the new FComm, and Nick "Now I'm Nikolle's" Lackie was named AFComm.

'Project Omega,' you say?

After years of becoming complacent with being the only electronic periodical in STF, we were given a run for our money by Mike "Perry White" Rouse-Deane and his new WeBBpaper, Project Omega. Based on the absurd notion that news should be timely and accurate, PO quickly developed a loyal following, all of whom had no idea why "omega" was chosen for the title. PO continues to publish today, though it has gone through more deputy editors than the Montgomery has gone through bridge modules.

ID changes stuff on us; blame shuffled like deck of cards

In July, members coming to their MOTDs were somewhat horrified to find that the colors had changed in a very odd way. AIDir Chris "If you don't stop picking, that won't" Healey instituted a little-balleyhooed alteration to the WeBB coding which made all italicized text yellow by default, requiring far more coding on MOTDs than before. Ship COs and FComms had a problem with this change -- not so much that there was a change as much as they didn't know about it. Apocryphal comments were made in Command and the Internet Department ship in Command about a change coming sometime soon, but there was no indication such as "big change happening tomorrow," as had been done many times before with code alterations. Healey, who actually physically instituted the coding changes, placed the blame on then-LOA IDir Butch "Jimmy" Carter, who had set the timetables. Carter, in return, blamed ancient Christian scholar St. Augustine for the problem. Using Krenim Imperium time-altering technology, Carter had determined that St. Augustine's existence was wholly responsible for the timetables of changing the WeBB coding. St. Augustine was arrested and detained pending further questioning. "This isn't how a government is supposed to work!" he lamented from his cell. "I'll tell you how a government is supposed to work!"

OGRE causes GMD revision, many jokes by us

In what can only be described as a comedy windfall, Larry "I didn't know I was the president then; oops! I wasn't!" Garfield authored the Omnibus GMD Revisionary Edict, called OGRE by some and "The 12-Step GMT Licensure Program" by others. Designed to clean up years of GMD revisions through many edicts like Justinian's Code, the GOBLIN -- oops -- the OGRE added more presidentially-mandated departmental policy to the GM Department, like the United States Tax Code. Rather than simply certify GMTs as GMs, the new GMT program would allow potential GMs to choose from several different options when seeking licensure, including doors 1-4 or the fabulous mystery curtain.

Terrorist attacks force Yanks to realize, 'Hey, there's a world out there!'

One can only play with a menagerie of glass animals before a few of them break. It took several thousand lives before Americans stopped watching E! Entertainment Television and started watching the BBC. "What's this? Terrorism? A world in conflict? What's a 'Palestine'? Now all of this sounds more pressing than what Hollywood personality started her own line of discount underwear stores." And yet, Americans are now on their way back into their bubble of comfort, despite all they've seen. "They've gone after the people responsible. It's all over. Back to bed!" So it goes.

'The Garfield Group' debates pros and cons of Challenger

This week, STF President Larry "James Abraham" Garfield assembled all of STF for a round-table discussion of the pros and cons of the USS Challenger. "Next issue: good or bad? More or less?" he shouted through curiously shaky jowels.

Current and past Challenger XO Deanne "Morgan" Ashton responded by saying, "As a captain whose taken several Challenger grads onto my roster in the past (when I had a ship and roster), I can say they turned out to be some of the stronger, more active roleplayers than those who came aboard sparkling new from Personnel."

"Wrong!" shouted Garfield. "Captain Kirk, good or bad? Go!"

"Well," said Paula "James Tiberius" Kirk, a former Challenger XO, "as a fellow Past Vice Commandant and CNS of the Challenger, I do know that the Challenger works. The problem I see is the GM. GMs are not many and many are in training. I wonder if we can not combine the GM training and the training ship for purpose of training not only GMs but recruits."

"Wrong agian!" retorted Garfield. "Sarah Hemenway, good or bad?!"

"I feel that the training ship is a good idea," said current Challenger COS Sarah "Ernest" Hemenway.

Wrong!" shouted Garfield again. "Stevemeister General, your turn!"

"Firstly, I just want to quickly address Paula's comment about training GMs on the challenger. I personally think it is a bad idea," replied Academy Commandant Steve "Harvey" Ashton. "If the GM doesn't know what they are doing/supposed to be doing, then we don't have the needed environment to teach the cadets. "

"If I may interject," said USS Polaris CO Alex "Fitzburn's nemesis" Verdusco, "I do not feel a second Academy ship is necessary at this time. A closer look--"

"But," noted USS Montgomery engineer Ton "907.1847 kg" Geurts, "one can also benefit from being mentored on a real live RPing ship like the USS Montgomery or whichever."

"Wrong!" said Garfield, covering his panelists in much spittle. "The correct answer is 'Kennebunkport, Maine'! Tune in next week to The Garfield Group when our discussion will center around the viability of Crag crewmembers in blast furnace areas. Are they flammable? Find out next week!"

As the show ended, Academy Vice-Commandant Catherine "Harry" Potterson ran into the studio with a computer printout three miles long, showing that the training ship really was overstretched and was also in violation of Edict Spurlin-02, which says that the Challenger cannot be staffed above the dash-3 level.

"Wrong!" shouted Garfield. "The answer is '29,028 feet'!"

SSSF saves life

In an unheralded act of luck, an elderly woman was saved yesterday thanks to the Engineering Department's Standardized Ship Specification Format, SSSF. The widowed Mrs. Ida Berkowitz of Boise, Idaho was on her way to the store to obtain some potatoes for a potato casserole she was going to prepare and take to her ill sister, Edna Hossentheffer (the latter remained unmarried for her life). As she left her home, she felt somewhat troubled by something she couldn't quite understand. "On the driveway, it felt like a little twinge in my stomach, like I had eaten some bad artichoke hearts that morning," she would later recall. "When I got to Edna's house, my dear sister was being held at gunpoint by a group of black-suited thugs brandishing knives and pancake mix. No doubt it was evil pancake mix. In any event, they demanded to know how thick the ablative armor was on a Columbus class vessel. She kept telling them she had no idea what a Columbus-class vessel was. Fortuantely, I had the technical specifications for the Columbus class in my purse. With lightning speed, I yelled, 'Stop!' then, '45 centimeters; 65 centimeters on the nacelles, nacelle pylons, weapons, and engineering!' The mobsters, satisfied by this answer, put away their guns and pancake mix and left without a word." Mrs. Berkowitz claims that it was the Standardized Ship Specification Format that saved her sister's life that day. "Without its easily-followed structure of topics and subtopics, I would never have been able to find the information I needed in time. They might have killed her -- or covered her in pancake mix -- before I found the appropriate information. See, here it is: right under 'shielding.'" The lesson learned by Mrs. Berkowitz and her sister were that the SSSF is not just a way to uniformly and easily lay out ship specifications, but it can also save lives, in very much the same way that it saved Edna Hossentheffer's life that cold Idaho morning.

Return of the 'WeBBpapers'

Though it seemed like the phenomenon of upstart electronic periodicals was behind us, a sudden tremor in the Force has caused them to rise from the grave once again. Perhaps the most welcome addition to the cavalcade of news coverage is SNN WeBB Bulletin, published by SNN's own Executive Editor Mike "The Shark" Ballway. It's more or less SNN Update wearing a new hat, but at least it's something. Mike "Soused" Rouse-Deane continues to churn away at the presses of Project Omega. We're still not sure if it uses the concept of "editions"; it just seems to constantly add new stories as they appear. On the plus side, though, he's using actual quotes from real people, as opposed to our tradition of making up quotes, or making up people, or both ("That's an absurd practice," noted SNN Vice President of Accuracy Walter Plockscheitz). The most intriguing of the new "WeBBpapers" is one produced by former IveSTFiya editor Colin "Frayed" Wyers, published under the auspices of the Starfleet News Network (net gain: two WeBBpapers!). SNN Observation Post (slated for Christmas Day, but running a little late) completely abandoned the HTML format, choosing instead the PDF format, which allows for the most expert control of layout. Nameless Ensigns Guido and Nunzio, who both still use X-Mosaic on their Windows 3.1 machines, were heard to comment, "Is it a trapeze artist made out of baked mud or something?"

In Issue 69 of this publication, one Elana Rubin, when asked "I hear you're the 'Pachisi queen.' Who's the Pachisi king? Is there a prince? A whole Pachisi court?" answered thusly: "LOL -- nope I rule unapposed (sic) as many are too scared to face my uncanny skill at Pachisi. <BG>"

Lies. All lies! This is the One Truth in the Land of Chisi: I am Pachisi King. I rule alone as the Chosen One of the Pachisi Gods (also known as the Dice Gods), the deities that control the fate and good fortune of everyone who plays the Sacred Game.

I was but a commoner once, unaware of the mythic Land of Chisi and the spiritual riches it held. I happened upon this Great Land during my travels across the globe, a chance encounter that would change my life forever. I learned the Sacred Game quickly, and the Pachisi Gods did take notice of my innate abilities early in my education. One night, the Pachisi Gods themselves did appear to me in a vision and said unto me, "Lo, ye are the Chosen One of the Sacred Game. Go forth, and spread the Pachisi in your homeland and beyond, that Our Players may multiply. The Lords of the Board have spoken." I had found my purpose.

Once my apprenticeship was over, I left the Great Land to return to the Land of Role Playing, my homeland, and spread the word of the Pachisi to the masses. The people adored the Sacred Game and lavished their love upon me for bestowing the Pachisi upon them. I converted many to the Faith, and they, in turn, converted many more. Only after I had displayed my prowess on the Board to all could I attain the rank of Pachisi Master, and only after my following had grown strong and my influence had stretched wide over the Land could I truly become the once and future Pachisi King.

The time came when I had to leave my homeland for good to rule in the Great Land of Chisi. Since then, my rule has been benevolent and true ... however, those with selfish desires have challenged me for my throne. In those struggles, there was always only one Chosen One, and time and again the Chosen One prevailed.

So, if I am Pachisi King, the true ruler of the Great Land, then what is Elana Rubin?

There's no denying her skill on the Board is great, but she employs the Dark Arts. She is but a lackey of the Dark Lords of Pachisi, the demonic keepers of such torturous misfortunes as the Three Doubles Rule, the One Curse, the Lap of Shame, and promoters of the bad luck that befalls all players ... even me, your saintly liege. She rose to prominence quickly, and eventually used the Evil Craft to win two championships in the Holy League. The Dark Lords have corrupted her deluded mind to the point where she believes she is ruler of the Land as Pachisi Queen. She is only a ruler of fools and lost souls!

Hear my words, followers of the Faith! Do not be misled by the sinister temptress Elana. The path down the Dark Road is wrought with empty promises of grandeur and glory. Join me, your humble King, and together we will lead the Land of Chisi into a new Golden Age!

Now that the years 2000 and 2001 have passed, fears about the upcoming millennium being bathed in horror, brimstone, and a lack of carbonated beverages have been assuaged. Well, most of them, anyway. Clever observers may note that the year "2002" is a palindromic year; that is, it reads the same forward and backward. Amateur onlookers may dismiss this as nothing more than a coincidence, but professional onlookers see it as a sign from above and, appropriately, are hurling themselves out of high windows to avoid the Armageddon that is near.

"The Book of Sisko tells us that palindromic years are to be feared above all other years," said Church of Sisko historian Peter Peterson. "Even more than the 'Year of Unspeakable Terror and Peril,' palindromic years are a cause for much fright among the faithful. It has something to do with the alignment of the sun, moon, and the fact that the year is the same forward as it is backward. Kind of wacky, in a fire-and-brimstone, run-for-your-life way."

Since no one except the Church of Sisko takes the Church of Sisko seriously, it would be easy to dismiss the importance of 2002 if it were the only organization ducking and covering at this time. Unfortunately, at least twelve other groups have collectively shrieked in terror at 2002, including the Church of Picard. "Normally, we don't agree with the Church of Sisko on anything," noted Archmage Alan "Wools" Felts. "In fact, we are contractually obligated to disagree with them on any issue brought before us, except for palindromic years. This is the one and only topic where there is no dispute between the two churches: we both agree that everyone should repent, for the end is near!" A similar sentiment was echoed by the Vulcan Philosophical Authority. "Though it makes no logical sense, for some reason, all of our great texts cite palindromic years as years when we should all run around screaming with our arms flailing wildly about," said High Priestess Tarmac. "Look: it even describes the proper arm-flailing procedure. That Surak didn't leave anything out."

Though every group agrees that 2002 is a year to be irrationally mortified, none of the religious authorities I spoke to could explain why. Thus, it was up to me to research the importance of the so-called "palindromic year." Searching through piles and piles (and piles) of old, yellowed manuscripts written in foreign tongues, I discovered the answer. An ancient Romulan text notes that "years reading the same forward and backward should be especially feared, for their reflexive quality allows demons to enter the universe unchecked." Still, no explanation as to how the year 2002 is different from, say, 1991, which was the last palindromic year. I went back to my friends at the Church of Sisko.

Larry "Cardinal" Garfield was there to explain the passages to me. "You see here that in the Most Holy and Sacred Appendix C to the Book of Sisko, the line 'I'm sick and tired of your riddles' is interpreted by Siskonian scholars as a message from Sisko to the true believers; he is symbolically 'sick and tired' of the 'riddles' created by this plane of existence; as such, he will one day, out of pity for those still here, destroy it. The part about the palindromic year comes from a Siskonian Bull dated 1221 which condemns all such palindromic years to be years of horrible pain and suffering. In that year, the Supreme Pontiff lost a considerable amount of money at the Most Holy and Sacred Blackjack Table."

Once again, to the amateur believer, this Siskonian Bull means nothing: a Supreme Pontiff merely became angry and decided to curse the year he lived for his poor card-playing skills. On the contrary, the professional believer knows that those gambling losses were a sign from Sisko himself that palindromic years would be full of terror. All we can do now is hope and pray that the Sisko, or Picard, or whatever god you believe in, is merciful this year as we prepare for the damnation in 2002. It's a good thing I'm an agnostic.

Repent; the end is near!

Be thankful, for another year has passed without Apocalypse. Actually, I have no idea, since I'm writing this before Christmas. I can only assume that if you're reading this, then there was no fire, no brimstone, and no more locusts than usual this year (the bloody water can be traced back to a plumbing problem, I think). As for our New Years Resolution, we at SNN Headline News resolve to be more prompt with our news, with more jokes that make sense. On second thought, it's a resolution, not an application for a miracle.

There's one thing that we can always resolve to do: continue to abide by the precepts set forth by the Editor-in-Chief himself, as embodied by the bold, stirring, and "spoon!" motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. If it's not quite that stirring, you need to turn up the bass so it rumbles more.

To celebrate issue number 71, we'll be reporting more STF events in ways that we have done before (break out the party hats!). Although, if things remain as they have been during this last week of December, it will be a boring issue, indeed. Command remains as barren as a Michael Bolton concert on Friday the 13th (and the tickets were free). If this issue is any indication, though, the next issue will combine the most interesting elements of our traditional background with the most innovative parts of HTML and CSS, along with some words arranged in paragraphs in 12-point Times New Roman. I get so excited when I'm dynamic. I think it's time for a nap.