Controversy surrounds Mackie appointment like angry hippies surround World Economic Summit

Edict #6 seemed to be a benign edict. That was before doctors analyzed it and discovered its malignancy. Now, President Larry "Ballway's evil twin" Garfield is undergoing treatment to have it removed. "It may cost 5/8 of his head and part of his duodenum, but that's a risk we're willing to take," said STF Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. "At least he's not smoking."

The trouble began as soon as former AFComm-1 Cordell "Hull" Garrett resigned his positions as AFComm-1 and Crusader CO over the political turmoil that abounds in STF. In his resignation post, he asked that noted Fleet One personality Mackael "Mackarel" Stockhausen be named Crusader CO, a request to which Garfield was more than happy to oblige. And command of yet another ship was successfully and peacefully transferred. Right? Right?!

Not in STF, bucko. Personnel Director Brandon "A lot of things is what that kleptomaniac" Stoll was not in the domain of the function "people who were happy to see Stockhausen become Crusader CO." (SNN mathematicians noted that putting Stoll into the function would have resulted in a zero in the denominator.) In a reply as angry as it was frustrated, Stoll accosted Garfield for his choice of Stockhausen as Garrett's successor. "Let us fall back to the USS Resolution and how I basically ran that ship for most of his commission on it due to excessive LOAs and a few AWOLs. Of course he'll tell you he was sick or some false truth to that affect, but the point remains ... he wasn't there. What guaruntee [sic] do you have he won't do this to the Crusader? It'll bring the ship down." Garfield then rebuked Stoll, asking in part, "Anyone else you would like to publicly call incompetent while you are at it?" Stoll replied thus: "Yeah, I got your sarcasm, it's about the only thing you're good at other then starting to run this club into the ground. Did you understand that by the way? I think I made that pretty blunt but I can tell you in other words if those aren't clear enough for you. Sure, I'll publicly call you incompetent while I'm at it, Larry." As note 292 in the Office of the President unfolded, sides became clear. "I can see that FComm-5 Bukowski is clearly on the same side as Stoll," noted SNN Command Squabble correspondent Terry Bradshaw. "Vice-President Friedman, Paula Kirk, and FComm-2 Chris Ashley are on Garfield's side. Stoll's team is using the 'you're trying to stifle my opinion by saying that I'm out of line' tactic, while the Garfield contingent is using the 'you're out of line' play, one that has been somewhat successful in past Command Squabbles. Scott Dale Robison remains pretty neutral. He criticized both sides equally, and that keeps him alive."

Fleet One records show that Stockhausen was ill, or having computer problems, or other things, during the period December, 2000 through May, 2001 (indeed, Stockhausen notes in a CO recommendation from the February Fleet One Report that he's "had a lot of LOAs lately, but Brandon has managed to take charge of the Resolution and has also fixed many problems that we have had"). By June, he had been replaced by Daniel "It's Greek to me" Petrulionis.

Seven dead in 'St. Valentine's Day Massacre'

CHICAGO, FEB. 14 -- A city was startled this morning when it awoke to find the casualties of the most brutal battle in this city's ongoing mob war. Seven men were found dead in the warehouses of the S.M.C. Carthage Co. on North Clark Street. Though police have not yet released the names of the victims, SNN Headline News has learned through anonymous sources that the victims were Frank Gusenberg, Pete Gusenburg, Adam Heyer, Al Weinshunk, James Clark, John May, and Reinhardt Schwimmer, all members of the so-called "North Side gang," led by George Moran. Hundreds of rounds of ammunition were dispensed into both the victims and the wall in front of which they stood. Police believed that rival South Side gang leader Al Capone may have had a hand in orchestrating this massacre, but Capone was in Florida at the time and could not be reached for questioning.

"This is one of the ugliest examples of our city's mob wars that I've ever seen," said investigator Elliot Ness. "I can't say whether or not we've seen the worst yet, but I know that I don't want to see anymore. It's time to put a stop to this; the people of Chicago don't deserve to live through this." Ness estimated that the mob stranglehold on the city would be broken in four years, when he expects the 18th Amendment (the prohibition amendment) to be repealed).

ID4: The template where we fought back

After some stirring words from STF President Larry "Bill Pullman" Garfield, everyone hopped into a Yub-Nub-class shuttle and started fighting the aliens, and taking back our freedom. They were more stirred, however, by the Internet Department's new template, infringingally called "ID4." The design for all IDept-maintained pages was originally intended to destroy the aliens on its own; when it was discovered to be cooler-looking than the old ID standard (ID3), it was decided that ID4 should be supplemented with real firepower. "We will not go gently into the night," said Garfield in his stirring address. "We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today, we celebrate our new Internet Department template!" The speech got a standing ovation from all involved and gunfire from the more rowdy spectators (Greg "Give 'till it" Hertzsch). STF Coder Mike "Plankaa" Bourdaa grumbled at the back of the applauding group, lamenting, "If we had Unix systems, they couldn't have even broken our satellites. Lousy Microsoft."

SNN Internet Department Template Critic Arnold Rothstein commented, "I likes the way it incorporates the UFP logo. That's a nice touch. It's generally much classier all around than ID3. The fans'll love it ... until I rig it and make big bucks, that is!" ID4 will be incorporated into all pages maintained by the Internet Department, which includes most of the government web pages, some fleet pages, and Larry Garfield's Bill Gates Look-a-Like Fan Club Page. [Thanks to Larry for coming up with the joke that is our headline. We would have done it ourselves, but he got there first. --Ed.]

Matt Evans, we hardly knew ye

Perhaps one of the most misunderstood people in STF is Robert "Longshanks" McLeod, whose Scottish accent is so thick that it serves as a personal floatation device for him. The next most misunderstood person must be Matt "Charles Hughes" Evans, for reasons that we can't possibly fathom. A GM on the USS Resolution and COS of Fleet 5's USS Draco, Evans has his hands full every day of the week, which contributes to his unintelligibility. When we found him, though, we discovered that he really was understandable, articulate, and ... well, read the interview. It's actually not that intelligible (that's mostly our fault, though).

1. Where are you from? (Or, from where are you?)
I was born in California and live in Washington.

2. What would you do if 7 of 9 offered to give you a "comprehensive scan"?
Accept the offer.

3. In five words or less, describe the effect of static warp fields on people named "Murray."
I have no idea. Would you explain a bit what a static warp field is? Is it the field that surrounds the ship while in warp?
SNN: It's a, ah, non-propulsive subspace field, like the kind you find around a computer core.
Then ... it would preserve Murray. Well ... preserve as in shield him.

4. Who did it? Who killed Mr. Boddy?
Probably Scott.

5. Whatever you do, don't go near that green glowing stuff. I think it's toxic.
Is that a question?

6. Here's a question: would you go near the glowing stuff?
No. I'd send my good buddy Matt Sidor to check it out.

7. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Jerry Seinfeld or former heavyweight champion George Foreman?
George Foreman. Jerry Seinfeld seems too prissy to win. Unless of course he killed George with his bad jokes.

8. Will this gangrene never go away?
I'm afraid you're stuck with it Mark. I know a very good doctor, though.

9. Do I smell "Oscar" for Collateral Damage?
I don't think so. Schwarzeneger hasn't really impressed me with his last few movies. I do smell "Oscar" for Blackhawk Down.

10. Who is your favorite SuperFriend and why?
SuperFriend ... hmm ... who's the sea guy who can talk to whales?
SNN: Aquaman.
That's him. I like Aquaman the most because he can talk to dolphins and whales. He can even understand Rosanne.

During the 1950s, the United States broadcast literally millions of so-called "sitcoms" (situation comedies) aimed, no doubt, at lulling the populace into tranquility while the threat of communism edged ever closer to the country's doorstep. When the 1950s ended, communism remained, but the sitcoms were gone. Whither did they go? It was speculated by the backward science of the time that they went into space, which is true, as it turns out. Who received these broadcasts?

It turns out the Qualaa people of Argyle VI received these transmissions. They're no longer the Qualaa people; they call themselves "Americans" after the people in their favorite TV sitcoms. You see, the Qualaa were in the middle of a culture-wide identity crisis when their EM receivers began picking up these broadcasts from Earth. They grew fascinated by the programs: would Ward beat Beaver within an inch of his life? Would Lucy get away with her crazy scheme without Ricky finding out? Will Dick van Dyke ever learn to avoid that footrest? The Qualaa people sat in front of their EM receivers - they turned on, tuned in, and dropped out of existence for nearly seventy-five years while they absorbed all of this Cold War hilarity.

They were discovered by a Federation mapping ship in their new-found culture. Formerly regarded as an intelligent, warp-capable race, the mapping ship was perplexed to find a planet covered with neat, well-kept lawns, almost perpetual sunshine during the daylight hours (rain was very infrequent), and Studebakers in every garage. "Good grief!" exclaimed an onboard cultural anthropologist, "this is 'A Piece of the Action' all over again! This time, though, it's not our fault. Well, not directly, anyway."

The Qualaa had redesigned their culture around '50s sitcoms, creating continents full of nothing but middle-class neighborhoods. There were signs of emerging farms (no doubt due to the influence of Green Acres), but no industry, as no one had real jobs in the sitcoms of the '50s. The Qualaa destroyed their economy trying to create the façade they had seen on television. When representatives from the mapping ship beamed to the surface to see what had happened, they were greeted by the new leader of the Qualaa, called "The Ward." He gave the Federation crewmembers a stern-but-fair lecture about telling the truth and sent them on their way.

I was pleased to be able to visit Argyle VI and see these people for myself. The stories really are true: it looks like Father Knows Best brought to life. The family structure is patriarchal; the father of the family leaves every day at morning and returns around dusk (I never found out where he went; I assume it was office work, as he had a briefcase). The mother stays home all day, cooking and cleaning. The children (approximately 2-2.5 per family, always one boy and one girl) go to school every day, learning about how to defeat the Communists. (The Communists are universally despised on Argyle VI, although no one has ever met a Communist. They just assume they're evil.) Two days out of every week, the father remains home and mows the lawn, rakes leaves, or sits in his hammock out back. During one of those two days, the whole family goes to a church to worship their god Ozzie and his consort, Harriet.

One of the stranger features of this civilization is what happens to them during the summer. Apparently, back in the 1950s, "sitcoms" only ran for nine months out of the year, with the other three months devoted to "reruns." The Qualaa could only accept this as the way things were, so every summer, they repeat things that they have done over the course of the previous year. If one of the children broke his leg during the year, then he would inevitably do it again in exactly the same way with the same consequences; chaos theory doesn't work around here. Then, at the beginning of the new year, everyone gets a haircut and a whole new cycle of plotlines begin.

Cultural anthropologists are worried, since television signals are still reaching Argyle VI. What happens when the sitcoms of the 1960s reach the Qualaa? "There will be massive cultural revolution," said Hugh Beaumont of Starfleet's Accidental Human Culture Meddling department. "When F Troop, Bonanza, and Gunsmoke hit the airwaves, they will be confused into thinking that it's the Wild West again. When Mission Impossible, Get Smart, and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. reach them, they will be trying to kill each other with elaborate weaponry. I can't even bear to think about the deleterious effects of Miami Vice. Our only hope is that Star Trek reaches them before any more damage can be done." The Qualaa are moving along slowly, since no one on their planet does anything (I'm still not sure what the adult males in the society do; about the only industry on the entire planet is the ice cream parlor business). There is a lesson to be learned in all of this: if the Federation ever plans on sending television signals willy-nilly into the galaxy, we should at least make them good shows. We wouldn't want civilizations out there in the Delta Quadrant to think that Gilligan's Island is a history of our society.

What about my chocolate candies? And flowers? Oh, I'm so lonely

That wraps up another fun-filled issue of SNN Headline News, the only STF electronic periodical that has remained scandal-free for four years! And how do we do it? It's simple: we assassinate anyone who tries to criticize us. Ever wonder why Bob "The Blob" Spurlin left? It was no coincidence that he "disappeared" just as our hard-hitting coverage of his administration was being felt throughout the president's office. And Randy "REMinator" McCullick? That's right; we had the boys downstairs buy him a brand-new pair of shoes ... cement shoes!

Lest you think we're joking, perhaps you'd like to meet our seven-foot tall Journalistic Motto. Around the office, we call him "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. He knows eighteen forms of jujitsu and can break a lead pipe in half with his teeth.

Come back for more next time, when we'll feature another exciting installment of H. Simon Gregory's travels around the universe, as well as a St. Patrick's Day Spectacular (depending on when we publish)! There will be green beer, green cookies, and green corned beef to celebrate this most drunken of holidays. What better way to pass out than with an issue of Headline News? It's how we at SNN do it every day.