July 2004 elections start with bang, whimper

At exactly 12:00 AM EDT (4 AM GMT) on June 28, nominations began. Rory "Calhoun" McInerney wedged his foot in the door first, nominating Israel "Izzy" Harris for president; the nomination was seconded by Jeremy "Kurt" Cobain. Election Coordinator Robert "Dale" Gulley voided the nomination, as McInerney had not had an active character in the last six months (election rules require that an active STFian -- one with an active character in the past four months -- second or nominate).Cobain had also nominated Barret "And grin" Vogtman, and he could only nominate one or the other. Finally, Tony "Hawk" Kirwan and Mike "Ballway" Culver re-nominated and seconded Harris, who named Bob "Spurlin" Hillis as his running mate. Harris celebrated the nomination by engaging in the use of mind-altering substances. "It's medical. It's for my bone-itis," he said.

Answering critics before they could get their throwin' veggies out, Harris wrote in his campaign headquarters, " I know a lot of you are expected me a[nd] Bob to be the laugh and giggle campaign this election season.. And while both of us can play that part, I do see myself actually being able to run STF. It's a hard job, but someone has to do it. Someone has to be able to keep their head above it all while we gripe why things are not going so well. And I know I am just as capable of doing so as my fellow candidates for office." Critics were stunned by the eloquence of Harris's speech and the remarkable lack of spelling and grammar errors.

Earl "Sinclair" McCune was next, nominating current STF President Pamela "Anderson" Dugan for re-election; the nomination was seconded by Brandon "Lee" Irvine. Dugan, however, declined the nomination.

Yet, for her part, Dugan nominated Edgar "Allan Poe" Cramer. Cramer's nomination was seconded by Dominic "Keating" Waite and Cramer named Emma "Mouse house" Rouse-Deane as his running mate.

Claudette "Sir Francis" Drake seconded the nomination for Barret "Browning" Vogtman, with Cobain retroactively nominating him. Vogtman named FComm-2 Steve "Magic" Johnson as his VP (see below).

Stephen "Lewis and" Clark nominated Emma "Soused" Rouse-Dean. Liam "Neeson" Farrer seconded. Since Rouse-Deane accepted the VP position on another ticket, she cannot be the president. Unless Cramer is "mysteriously" run over by Rouse-Deane's car.

As a practical joke , Johnson nominated EC Robert "Byrd" Gulley, but later decided to make his nomination serious. After emails between Gulley and Dugan, to which the public was not privy, Johnson eventually rescinded his nomination and instead became Vogtman's running mate.

Ton "2000 pounds" Geurts nominated Amanda "High" Noon. Rex "Harrison" Linnenkohl seconded. Noon accepted the nomination and then named Krystelle "Gail" Bromilow as her running mate.

Joe "David" Fahey nominated Larry "Nermal" Garfield.

Symon "Stallone" Silvester nominated Michael "Cubic zirconium" Diamond. Sarah "Ernest" Hemenway seconded. Diamond accepted and named Jessica "Beverly" McClary as his Vice President.

Perennial candidate Bob Hope could not campaign this year, due to his death last year. In his memory, Fleet 2 mascot Bob the Blob has taken the charge of being the non-sensical candidate.

Campaigning begins in earnest, goes to jail

Hopefully, readers who haven't been scared stupid by our headline will have the courage to read on. And maybe save Christmas.

The Election Rules were amended by EC Robert "Ditch" Gulley before the start of Election Fever so as to allow candidates to campaign as soon as possible. The previous rule, which was retained by the previous EC, stated that candidates could only begin campaigning once nominations were over. Several STFians decried the rule as "ridiculous," "preposterous," and "spoon!" prompting Gulley to change the rule.

And candidates have used that to their advantage. "Hermetically sealed" Harris was the first to make use of the new rule, offering the stumpiest of stump speeches, proclaiming his support for himself and his running mate, "Hairy" Hillis. In it, Harris promised that, if elected, he would do everything in his power to promote the Mass Initiative. "It's not just a question of if, but a question of when. My opponent, Barret something-or-other, has expressed his opposition to the Mass Initiative. To me, that isn't just a statement of opinion, but a statement which says, 'I hate democracy, and I'll be doggoned before I let anyone else exercise it.' Is this the kind of person we want in the Monstrously Huge Presidential Palace Built with the Blood of Slaves?" Repeated attempts to ask Harris further questions about the Mass Initiative met with a dial-tone and a kindly-sounding lady imploring us to deposit twenty-five cents for the next three minutes, please.

Lest it be thought that the ever-popular "ask candidates a bunch of questions" has become passe, think again. A recent SNN/PUN poll showed that 51% of voters felt "strongly" about the "ask candidates a bunch of questions" part of the elections, while 44% felt "fair." The remaining five percent could not complete their polls as dialed. Statistician Dr. Werner von Hofbrauhaus of Pakled University speculated that "the elections show a rigidly flexible voting populace, one that is both extremely polarized and, at the same time, depolarized. Your actual mileage may vary."

Dugan Edict-O-Rama

During a week of what Command Squabble Pundits have described as a "lull," STF President Pamela "Anderson" Dugan has made several edicts, all of them dealing with promotions. Edict #40 promoted Rex "Harrison" Linnenkoh to Captain and gave him command of the USS My Fair Lady. Edict #41 amended Dugan's previous edict dealing with GMs on Academy ships, requiring GMs to be "appointed by the Academy Commandant, subject to the veto of the XO of the ship in question. The Gamemaster of an Academy ship must be an experienced GM preferably holding the title of Full GM, however, GM's with a rank of "Junior Gamemaster" may be considered at the Academy Commandants discretion." In Edict #42, Robert "Jimmy Stewart" Harvey was promoted to Fleet Captain. Edict #43 replaced the USS Kearsage, which had been destroyed when the Chief Engineer accidentally pressed "Apply" instead of "OK" on the Emergency Warp Core Ejection Wizard. The new ship is the Kearsage-class USS Seraph, no doubt a hearkener (?) of days gone by.

GM discussion heats up, experiences meltdown; Command evacuated

That's right: the discussion in Command about OGRE became so hot that it could only be handled by experienced workers using Kevlar gloves and, for some reason, four metal arms attached to them at the spine. (Film critics noted that "it's too hot" was a poor excuse for building the robotic arms in the first place.) The Command Regulars have waxed poetic about the problems with STF and its GMs. "Some people think there are too many GMs. Others think there aren't enough. I think there are plenty," said GMDir Robert "Paul" Harvey.

STF pariah Israel "Izzy" Harris was among the first to chime in on this topic. While it is a shame that the GMification process is so complex, said Harris, it was necessary to maintain quality control in a burgugeoning STF. "They are unready persons trying to keep ships under control when they are not ready. And as its been stated, a Bad GM can be worse then no GM. OGRE is unpopular and untested, but throwing it away without a long-term solution that answers the questions it answers will only doom us to past failure we fought to avoid," he said. When onlookers hollered that OGRE was almost three years old -- hardly "untested" -- Harris jumped into a strangely-painted van where a shaggy-looking beatnik and a Great Dane were waiting."I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that lousy protesting guy in the audience!" Harris's spokesperson said later in a statement that was attached to a brick and hurled through our window.

Ve have vays of makink zem talk

After kidnapping all of the candidates and then torturing them with hours of Friends reruns, they finally relented and answered our questions. SNN Headline News sent interview forms to every presidential and vice-presidential candidate. Here are there answers. [Interviews were sent to candidates on July 7; interviews were sent to Noon/Bromilow on July 10, after they announced their candidacy. Due to an error on our part, Harris/Hillis didn't receive interviews until July 16. As of July 17, these are the forms that were returned. Outstanding interviews will appear in the next issue. --Ed.]

1. What do you expect will be the hot-button issue for this election?

Krystelle "Gale" Bromilow, VP candidate: The Constitution has had more questions than I expected this year as well as the GMD.

Amanda "High" Noon, Prez candidate: For us it will be Roleplaying ... for everyone else seems to be constitution and GMD.

Mike "Not even micromilled duranium foam is harder than a" Diamond, Prez candidate: The hot button issue will be the constitution, GMs, and CO promotions and appointments.

Jessica "Beverly" McClary, VP candidate: The constitution mostly. Individuals have been trying to get it finished and completed within their term and for one reason or another are unable to do so. It's such an enormous undertaking that I think it will be an issue for several elections to come until something can be set in concrete.

Barret "And grin" Vogtman, Prez candidate: It seems that once again the constitution has taken center stage. The difference this time around is that the members brought it up in the questions before any of the candidates had mentioned it.

2. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Bromilow: No comment :)

Noon: Yep! Can you?

Diamond: No.

Vogtman: I have much better things to use my tongue to touch <g>.

McClary: Nope, never tried either. Can you imagine the germs?

3. [For presidential candidates only] Comment on your qualifications. Why are you a better choice for president than the other candidates? Don't give me nonsense about your record and what-not. You're all exceptionally qualified; otherwise, you wouldn't be running. No, tell me what makes you so radically different from the other candidates that I should vote for you instead of them.

Noon: Maybe I'm not the better choice, maybe one of the others would do better. Who can tell? I just know I like to give back to anything that has given a lot to me. STF has been my family and support for three years now. I've made friends, had fun and learnt a lot. Now I have a year's freetime I can devote some time to STF and give back to it. Vote for me because I hate the politics and love the roleplaying. I will always aim to look to solving problems quickly and efficiently so we can all get back to roleplaying.

Diamond: I am a real-life leader and manager. Further, I have the ability to "think outside the box" and step away from the norm. I am also not afraid to seek counsel from my cabinet and I'm the first to admit when a mistake is made. Admitting when I am wrong is not something new to me. If I make a mistake, and I know I will, I don't try to pin the blame on someone else. I am also fiercely loyal to those that are members of my staff and cabinet. I will never let someone else make an attack on my cabinet without firing back myself. Loyalty is something that has been missing for a long time. I will also never make personal attacks. I believe in fair play and being cordial to everyone, regardless if I agree with them or not. Lastly, I am a firm believer in the term "Semper Gumbius" (Latin for "Always Flexible").

Vogtman: I’m not radically different. I’m just an average member that wants to give back to the club.

3. [For vice-presidential candidates only] Imagine the president does something with which you happen to disagree. Do you call him (her) on it? In public? In private? Do you call him (her) on it at all?

Bromilow: It would be my natural tendancy to discuss it in private and find out the Prez's thoughts on it and share my own.

Noon: Can I just say here that I would want my Veep and anyone else to let me know if something was going wrong, even if it was me.

McClary: Certainly, I would notify Mike that I disagree with him in private and give him the reasons why. I feel no qualms about bringing those things to his attention and I know that he would give what I say to him some serious thought.

4. Bill Clinton called his memoirs My Life. That's a pretty terrible title. Make up a new one. I command it!

Bromilow: My Life in the Shadows <G>.

Noon: Uh ... uhm ... Not Again?

Diamond: Yeah, This Is My Boring Book! Don't You Wish I Would Get a life? by Bill "Slick Willy" Clinton.

Vogtman: Sex, Bombs, and Osama bin Laden.

McClary: My Misadventures?

5. No more than one paragraph, please, about your ideal STF constitution.

Bromilow: Simple, short and in plain English.

Noon: Short - plain English - easy to use.

Diamond: The ideal STF constitution should be easy to read, allows for amendments based on membership voting, presidential oversight without being overly instrusive, and gives guidelines for how STF is run. Other regulations should be written based on each Fleet. We can then treat the Fleets like states and give them states' rights as long as they don't countermand the regulations issued in the STF Constitution.

Vogtman: It lays out all the written and unwritten laws of STF in a clear, concise manner. It affords us a route to take to remove a president that is not performing. Finally, it limits the power of the president.

McClary: My ideal STF Constitution huh? Hmm, well, I would have to say that my ideal constitution would be one where there are sufficent checks and balances put in place. It would prevent favortism from rearing its ugly head and allow people to only choose solutions on facts and not whether the person has the proper circle of friends. It would allow individuals who wish to voice their opinions to not be afraid to do so because it may come back and bite them in the rear. It would also solidify the rules that are already in place. A lot of work has been put in by other people, why reinvent the wheel?

6. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Independent former governor of Minnesota Jesse "The Body" Ventura, or current Republican governor of California Arnold "Detective John Kimball" Schwarzenegger?

Bromilow: Schwarzie baby always <BG>.

Noon: I don't have a clue. What's a cage match? Who is Jesse Ventura? Why do I care?

Diamond: Most definitely Ah-nold! He has had his heart rebuilt with bionics you know!

Vogtman: I would have to say The Body would take it. Arnold would not make it easy, but in the end Jesse would get his payback from The Running Man.

McClary: Um, Ventura I guess. He's huskier and taller if I remember correctly. Never really thought about it personally.

7. There's been lots of jibber-jabber about the GMT regulations. Do you think they're too restrictive?

Bromilow: Perhaps, it is not something I have looked at extensively but have noted others making comments on how they feel it is.

Noon: I think that's for Robert to decide, he is the GMDir. Let's give him a chance to sort out the department, he's only just sat down in the role.

Diamond: Yes. We have many talented younger members who have GM'ed in other RP games and environments. Further, the current regulations are so overloaded with legal mumbo-jumbo, it makes it difficult to read from an experienced players standpoint, let alone a new, motivated member. It just frustrates them to the point that they give up applying to become a GM.

Vogtman: I don’t think they are too restrictive as much as I think they don’t make sense. Few if any would make Lieutenant in 6 months. Personally, I think that one or the other should be dropped. I also don’t see an absolute need for the test and I believe quite a few people refuse to become a GM just based on that.

McClary: Not really, GMing is almost a science and an art intermixed. It takes time to master it sufficiently to feel competant in it. I think the regs that are there right now help enable that.

8. Comment on how Conan O'Brien will change the history of human civilization forever.

Bromilow: Who?

Noon: Who?

Diamond: Conan O'Brien? Isn't that Conan the Barbarian's long lost relative?

Vogtman: Conan who?

McClary: I cannot sufficently tell, my seer is on vacation.

9. Are there any existing policies that you would like to see changed? How so?

Bromilow: Other than the constitution, no. Plain english so us dummies can understand it:)

Noon: Bring back the Command Ship Janitor!!! Humour is sadly lacking in there.

Diamond: I have been discussing how we select and promote our COs. There needs to be a selection process, not just some willy-nilly pick someone because of their friendship with an FComm. The selections should be based on their past performance and future potential. A listing should be compiled and when a vacancy is available, then allow the FComm to choose from the "selection" list. This pre-screening board should be convened at least once every presidential term, unless the list is near exhaustion before then.

Vogtman: None that I can think of off the top of my head.

McClary: I think that many things can be improved. Made to flow a little easier and to help combat favortism as it is a primary motivation for many aspects within STF. People may get something because they know the right people and are appropiately liked and not for their qualifications.

10. Who is your favorite Superfriend and why?

Bromilow: Ahhh Superfriend would have to be the new Hulk. He is such a sad kinda guy.

Noon: I actually did some research on this one and still came up lost. Even my eight year old son looked at me blankly. Now if you asked me which of the XMen ... Wolverine ... drool ... uh sorry, strong, fair and good looking what more could a girl ask for.

Diamond: Wonderwoman. Anyone that can find the invisible plane can find a needle in a haystack. Plus, as a guy, you gotta love her costume!

Vogtman: Wonder Woman cause she is a little hottie <g>.

McClary: Superman ... I'm a sucker for red tights.

That's right, boys and girls, I'm back. I let you idiots go for a year and you prove that you just can't survive without me by having this outlandish farce of an election. Now I admit, most elections are dull and boring (like the two that put Greg and me in charge of the club without any competition. Those were the good old days of STF electioneering, when any fool who wanted the job got stuck with it). But this one? Buy stock in Mylanta!

For a gut-wrenchingly long time the only candidate you had was Israel Harris, Court Jester of STF. Harris seemed to a lot of you to be the best idea of a president. Are you bored or something? Reading his speeches is like watching an episode of Scooby Doo: He talks like the dog, you're trying to figure out just what the hell is going on, and he's got more in common with Shaggy than Hanna-Barbara would legally admit to. Let's just say that Doritos has an outlet mall in his apartment. His credentials include being one of the only COs stripped of command, and having a lot of free time. His running mate, much like John Edwards, is far more articulate, intelligent, and would make a better president than the candidate, and like Edwards will have absolutely no effect on a Harris presidency. I forget who his running mate is, but that doesn’t matter, because this would be true if his running mate was a fire hydrant. Meanwhile, opponent Amanda Noon describes him as one of the best candidates of the pack. You people, I swear ...

Luckily for you all, Barry Vogtman stepped in. Yes, STF's answer to the cute cuddliness that is Dick Cheney is also a candidate. Vogtman actually came close to joining Izzy on the stripped-of-command ranks in his rather scandalous doings with Official STF Drunk Sorority Chick Paula Kirk in which, records indicate, he used the word "nipple." Or was it "breast"? Yeah, he used "breast"; I was the one who used "nipple." Mmmm ... nipples. Nipple. Nipple nipple nipple.

Where was I? Vogtman is a mainstay of STF elections and has pledged to continue his policy of aggressively debating his fellow opponents, the EC, and small children. He enjoys making them cry and is rumored to eat them afterwards, his appetite only increased by the salt of their tears.

Emma Rouse-Deane surprised everybody by declining her nomination. Would this, they asked, be an Emma-free presidency? Of course not! Like last time, Emma will run as the VP candidate for a largely unknown power-hungry newbie who will be pulled around like a pathetic, whimpering Pinocchio and burned up in the fire of Emma’s unquenchable thirst at the end of the term, only to be replaced by another. Edgar Cramer, we hardly know ye, and never really will.

Joining the testosterone trio will be Amanda Noon and Krys Bromilow, who bring to the campaign a message of "fun." For such experienced members of STF, you’d think that "fun" would have been driven out of their vocabulary. It certainly has been driven out of this campaign, thanks to the efforts of Rob "I could be EC AND a candidate, right?" Gulley! Their message generally consists of limiting politics (um, darlings, you’re running a political campaign, you’ve already failed) and increasing the "fun" level. Their campaigning will generally consist of hugging their opponents and smilingly imbecilely to any questions asked. They will prove, yet again, that an all-women ticket cannot win the presidency. What about Emma’s tickets, you say? I’ve got some pictures to show you.

Which brings us to our fifth candidate, what’s his name, oh yeah, First to Go.

Normally in each campaign I start a "Write in Townes" campaign. But not this year, it’s beyond hope.

Time to bust out the fiddle, Nero.

Yes, it's finally happened. H. Simon Gregory has hit syndication and we're now going to start repeating his columns every now and then. Don't worry, though; there's a strong chance that you have never read this column before, because it's pretty old, and only a few STFians who were around for this column have survived our systematic assassination process (what, you think they really all resigned?). In the spirit of the elections, we proudly (or shamedly) reprint this Gregory Classic™ from II.53, published waaay back in July, 2000.

Election Season is in full swing, and with that election comes fundrasining. Each candiate must hold charity dinners and the like to raise the enormous amount of money required to run for President of STF. In The Year 2000, the cost was $10 million to get elected. Here in 2377, the cost has jumped to $50 trillion ... and that doesn't even guarantee that one will be voted into office! Campaign fundraising laws stipulate that no one person can give more than $6 million, which is a drop in the proverbial bathtub for the candidates.

As such, many candidates receive so-called "soft money" contributions. This money is highly illegal, and comes in the form of pillows, bedclothes, regular clothes, and other soft things. The money is woven into the fabric or, in the case of stuffed animals, stuffed inside the animal, to be taken out by the candidate. While a stuffed elephant may look innocent enough, inside is enough cold, hard cash to get a candidate through several weeks' worth of electioneering.

These "soft money" contributions were uncovered by SNN's resident drunk, Timmy O'Toole. "I were cleanin' out me locker," recalls O'Toole, "when I found me a stuffed piggy in thar. In my drunken stupor, I thought it might be a pretty woman. My suspicions were further enhanced when the piggy didn't respond to me pick-up lines. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that it were a stuffed animal. In my rage, I ripped it open, and millions of dollars fell out. There were also a note, which read, 'From Larry, To Seamus -- You'd better win.' I reported the pig stolen, but kept the money for meself."

There it is. The Hughes Election of '99 was a sham, perpetrated by people who smuggled trillions of dollars into the campaign inside anything soft -- clothes, stuffed animals, bedsheets. The preserved head of former Senator John McCain had only this to say: "See, I told you so! It told you it would get worse, and it did!" The glass jar containing Mr. McCain's head then rolled off the table and onto the floor, subsequently rolling right out the door ... but you know the song.

Now, in the STF Summer Elections 2000, we must ask ourselves if our candidates are the types who could be easily swayed by money. Obviously they all have their price, but what is it? And, are we safe from stuffed animals and pajamas that may have billions in "soft money" contributions sewn into them? The answers, in order, are: $50 trillion and no. Before you vote for a candidate, think for a moment about his (or her) morals, and just how many "charity dinners" have been held where attendees have been asked to bring lots of mink coats. Coincidence, or illegality. You make the call!

Dewey defeats Library of Congress

And so the Periodic Massive Social Upheaval has begun anew. Who will win this time? Will it be "Diabolique" Diamond? "Necromancer" Noon? "Half-baked" Harris? "Verklempt" Vogtman? "Carbunckle" Cramer? Or perhaps perennial loser Bob the Blob will be the suprise, write-in winner. We're not sure, but since STF July 2004 Elections are sponsored by Diebold, we're pretty sure that Bob the Blob will win (because we'll hack the system, and since there's no paper trail with Diebold, we'll get away scot-free!). Yup, looks like we'll have to wait (wink, wink).

While the Election ship is mouthing platitudes about "no mudslinging," "fairness," etc., we want our readers to know that SNN Headline News will never succumb to the forces of happy and squishy. We will stick to our Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. Nonetheless, in order to maintain an equal opportunity to disparage all the candidates (and to remain in the WeBB OOC), SNN Headline News will not be endorsing any single candidates. We will, however, endorse all of them at once.

In Part II of our Election Edition, subtitled "... And the Elections Continue," we will examine the results of the Primary Election to see which two tickets will remain for the next level of Super Triple Elimination with Fudge. That's the level that involves demolition derbies, maces, and chainsaw juggling. It promises to be more entertaining than what's happening now.