Primaries, endorsements begin

Now that the primary elections have begun, candidate endorsements can begin. And begin they have! Currently, Cramer/Rouse-Deane is in the lead with seventy thousand endorsements, including Brandon "That was a lot of money I" Stoll, Jack "the Ripper" Dipper, and Joe "David" Fahey. Close behind is Noon/Bromilow, with sixty-three thousand endorsements, including Gareth "Goliath" Gudger, Ton "2,000 pounds" Geurts, and Rex "Harrison" Linnenkohl.

Nameless Ensigns Local 413 and the right-leaning Nameless Ensigns Weekly Standard endorsed Bob the Blob (it leans to the right because the magazine doesn't have enough ballast on the other side). "I like the way [Bob the Blob] stands up for ensigns' rights," said Ensign Guido, who organized a voter-registration drive on planet M-113. "I'm sick of GMs constantly killing us all the time. Hey, this planet is pretty empty." Ensign Nunzio agreed. "I must have died about a million times, and that was just on the Constellation inaugural web sim," he said as he was gathering petition signatures on planet Vagra II. "When will we get the Ensigns' Rights legislation that every other major alien race has? Hey, this planet is pretty empty." Candidate Blob used several buzz-words to blast "Vivacious" Vogtman for his apparent lack of morals. "Everything that Vogtman stands for is evil. His values are directly the opposite of yours. Whatever it is you hold most dear, you can be sure that he scorns that thing and if given the chance, would make it so that you can't have that thing! He's a liberal activist, a communist feminazi," said Blob at a recent $10,000-per-plate fundraiser on Risa.

Surprise abounds as Diamond/McClary bow out

"Diametrically opposed" Diamond and "Marvel Comics" McClary announced on July 15 that they were dropping out of the race, citing "an unexpected change of circumstances." When pressured into admitting what those pressures were, Diamond said, "Well, we can no longer stay here on Earth," and pulled off his mask, revealing that he was an alien from the planet Xanthan XII (home of delicious gum). "We came to this planet in search of your elections, and we found them. We have experienced them enough. Now, it is almost time for our planet's reality show, Who Wants to Xobzorg a Zywillojkerwl? We must get home in time for the teaser, or else we'll never understand what's going on for the rest of the show. You know how that happened with The X Files? Also, we forgot to set our VCR." As soon as they had arrived, they then entered their spaceship and departed for parts unknown (well, not so unknown; we know they're going to Xanthan XII).

Harris calls for end of Kansas class; gets rebuke, instead

Upset at the lack of GMs, COs, and BFGs for the USS Kansas, Atlantis CO and presidential candidate Israel "Izzy" Harris recommended that the Kansas be scrapped and replaced with the Maverick class. "The specifications for the Kansas are horribly out of date and I believe Butch Carter is no longer actively among us. As a person who roleplays based on specifications, Butch's specifications are incomplete and missing. Certain tidbits -- like the capacity of sickbay -- can not be answered by the designer because he's no longer with Star-fleet," Harris wrote in Command on July 14. The Kansas, however, was commissioned in July, 2000 as an alternative RPG area, and as such, eliminating the alternative environment would involve eliminating the Kansas, as well, hence Harris's proposal. He attempted to get the FComm and GM's approval for such a plan. Kansas GM Robert "GMDir" Harvey agreed with such a proposal, observing, "If the only purpose for being an Alternative area is to provide a haven for fighter jocks, and you have no jocks (this is really funny if you are Australian, by the way), Brandon notably excluded. Then I have no problem with the change. I quite like the Maverick Class (says the CO of the lead ship)." Most other STFians who responded in Command agreed that the Kansas was a difficult ship to GM, and had not seen any good, focused sims in years. It appeared that no one would stand in the way of losing the Kansas.

The next day, STF President Pamela "Anderson" Dugan cryptically responded to Harris's request, referring to private conversations to which the rest of STF was not privy. "This attempt to change part of the club is turning into an attempt to force the current president into making a deicision [sic], when twice I have asked for time to look into things -- the last time just a few hours before you wrote this post. I object to what you're preopsing [sic]. Now the case is closed. You know my answer, as I laid out the terms by which I would decide very plainly to you. I will not repeat myself. You can take this up with the next president," an angry Dugan said. Command collecively raised an eyebrow, wondering why Dugan's decision was so harsh. Some asked for an explanation. "Um can I ask why? The crew, CO, XO and CMO have all asked for a change? Shouldn't you be looking out for the needs of the crew?" asked Gareth "Goliath" Gudger.

Dugan responded by clearing up some issues: 1) Dugan was experiencing real-life issues that kept her from doing the requisite research to make an informed decision and asked Harris to wait while she had time to do that research, and 2) she never flatly turned Harris down (as Harris had insinuated in his replies); instead, she asked him for time to be able to look at the issue thoroughly. After doing some research, Dugan discovered that the Kansas had been comissioned as an alternative RPG area (a lot of people forgot that part), and according to Edict Garfield #22, §A, p3, only a "standard ship" can be replaced by another ship when decommissioned, since the only reason an alternative RPG area exists is for the nuance of the alternative area. Dugan's final response on the issue? "Since I'm being forced to make a decision right now, this second, without the benefit of time, then the safest and best decision is that we stay with what we have." She expressed concern that the Kansas's crew was willing to give up on the ship because of staffing problems, noting that every ship has staffing problems (although she neglected to note that the Kansas has had chronic staffing problems for the past two years, and it seems that the crew and GMs aren't interested in fighter pilot sims, which is the only reason the ship exists in the first place). Nevertheless, Dugan defused a situation that had been trumped up by Harris, showing off her diplomatic skills. If any action is to be taken on the Kansas, said Dugan, then it will have to be done by the next president.

STF census confirms worst fears: fewer weirdos this time

The July 2004 census was published amid concerns that there were either too many or too few ships in STF with either too few or too many GMs (whatever the case, there's not just the right number of anything). STF Censusmaster Larry "I do this on the side of the side" Garfield switched from using MS Access to compile the census to using mySQL, a move that some STFians have called very "1337." Now if only he could be doing it with Opera on a Linux machine using a GNU-licensed keyboard, then we'd be in business (or, rather, fighting against business. Or something. In any case, he's cooler than the rest of us for reasons only Slashdot knows).

The 2004 Census revealed that there were 202 members with 558 characters on 41 ships, including the Academy and alternate RPG areas. The 2003 Census showed that there were 213 members with 477 characters on 38 ships. This means that, while membership overall has declined, characters per member has increased, but average ship size has decreased. Also, the 2004 Census adds "Starfleet R&D" as a separate fleet with three ships. If this were removed as a fleet, then there would be 202 members, 516 characters, 8 fleets, 38 ships, 13.579 characters per ship, and 2.554 characters per member. This re-figuring increases the number of characters per ship, continuing the trend that ships are getting bigger, not smaller. It also shows that the number of characters per member does not increase as dramatically as previously thought.

Fleet 6 shot past the Academy to become this year's most populous fleet, with 78 characters. Last year's Census recorded that the Academy had only 30 characters. Fleet 2's Outpost 45 was this year's most populous ship, with 23 characters. The next-most-populous ship was the Endeavor, with 17 characters. Last year's most populous ship, Oed V, had 22 characters.

But the more things change, the more they do the opposite of that. SEC was, again, the favorite position among STFians, and Brandon "Lee" Irvine was again the nerdiest STFian, having increased his number of characters nearly two-fold from last year's 12 to this year's 23. Fortunately, one-third of those are hula dancers on Crell.

The trend toward rank increases continued this year as both Lt. (j.g.) and Lieutenant displaced Ensign as the #1 and #2 most popular ranks, respectively. What is most interesting is that the popularity of Lt. (j.g.) is almost twice that of Ensign, at 122 to 65. Contrary to the statement of the "Fun Facts," that this is the first time Lt. (j.g.) surpassed Ensign in popularity, Lt. (j.g.)was #1 in March 2001, July 2000, and April 2000 and finished ahead of Ensign in November 2000. Additionally, Lieutenant was #1 in February 2000, November 2000, and January 2002, and placed ahead of Ensign in July 2000 and March 2001.

Ve have vays of makink zem talk

Part II of our In the Hot Seat Election Interview Special brings you interviews from people that we either forgot to include in the last issue, or people who forgot to include themselves.

1. What do you expect will be the hot-button issue for this election?

Edgar "Allan Poe" Cramer, Prez candidate: Unfortunately the Constitution, which I feel should be kept on the Constitution Ship and off the Election Ship.

Steve "Magic" Johnson, VP candidate: I think that the constitution will be a hot topic this year, along with the GMD.

Israel "Izzy" Harris, Prez candidate: Who I slept with, what am I smoking, and foul smells in the officer wash room that only I can cause.

Emma "Soused" Rouse-Deane, VP candidate: One of the primary focuses of any election is the constitution, and I don't expect this time to be any different. There's also the GM situation that's pretty fresh in everyone's minds.

2. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Cramer: No, but I once dated a girl who could. :-)

Johnson: Sadly, no.

Harris: I think so ... (Starts trying only succeeding in making Arnold Schwarzenegger noises.) Ehhhaaa Ehhhaaa AHHH ... EHahahahaHaaaa ... Half hour later ... Ok, maybe I can't. :-(

Rouse-Deane: I'm afraid I can't, but I can wiggle my ears and roll my tongue if that counts?!

3. [For presidential candidates only] Comment on your qualifications. Why are you a better choice for president than the other candidates? Don't give me nonsense about your record and what-not. You're all exceptionally qualified; otherwise, you wouldn't be running. No, tell me what makes you so radically different from the other candidates that I should vote for you instead of them.

Cramer: I think it would have to be my dedication to the club, I'm not implying that the other candidates aren’t dedicated as well, it’s just that I log on to the WeBB on a daily basis and I am almost always available to have an IM discussion with nightly. I also haven’t been around as long as the other candidates which I feel can be a great asset as I’m not stuck in the old ways.

Harris: Well, I Always had ideas on how STF should be run, but each time I voted for someone else that seemed to old the ideas I held, I regretted voting for them. (Even if they lost.) As such, I want to run STF on the principle of friendly government ready to provide STF the resources it really needs and when it needs it.

As a CO I understand that other CO want more control of there ships, Fcomms want less paper work, and GMs would like to feel as if they don't have to take three ships on at a time for the better of STF. As a member, I understand that players don't want their positions capped, like better training of their new crewmates, and to know STF will be standing after they leave.  And as a man, I understand that women want a man that is confident, yet humble, strong, yet gentile, and look good wearing suit, or just his boxers. <G>

3. [For vice-presidential candidates only] Imagine the president does something with which you happen to disagree. Do you call him (her) on it? In public? In private? Do you call him (her) on it at all?

Johnson: I would of course call him on it. But it would be in private. There is no reason to do complaining in public if it can be avoided.

Rouse-Deane: We'd discuss the situation in private, sharing each other's point of view, and hopefully get an understanding of why we had that difference in opinion.

4. Bill Clinton called his memoirs My Life. That's a pretty terrible title. Make up a new one. I command it!

Cramer: Actually, this is the first I had heard he wrote a book.

Johnson: I'll quote The Daily Show here, and use the tittle My Lies. :-)

Harris: IN YOUR FACE BOB DOLE! YEEEE HAAAA!

Rouse-Deane: Sex, Lies and Videotape ... uhm ... or was that cigars?

5. No more than one paragraph, please, about your ideal STF constitution.

Cramer: My ideal STF Constitution would be a centralized location of all the rules and regulations as well as a list of all the edicts under one spot with the edicts which have been rescinded by newer edicts removed as they are no longer valid and therefore no longer needed. I don’t see any reason to make any major changes to the way that STF is run except for a way to remove a bad president from office.

Johnson: A document that covers the unwritten, and written (edicts) rules of the club. Basically giving a basis for the system that we have already.

Harris: Each election season a president Candidate says they will in their term, work to create a constitution for all of STF to marvel on. Everyone votes for them, 8 months later no constitution. At one point I figured if I chained a well-meaning member of STF to a board marked constitution debate, something good would come out. Then Pam did exactly that, and still no constitution. So honestly, I don't think will ever happen, and as El President Dictator Elect of STF, I promise to do nothing to move it along. It's all I can promise will happen, and at least I'm honest about it. <G>

Rouse-Deane: All the rules governing STF, be those written and the unwritten, in a simple and easy to understand format so that everyone is playing on an equal playing field and knows exactly what they can and cannot do.

6. In a no-holds-barred cage match, who would win: Independent former governor of Minnesota Jesse "The Body" Ventura, or current Republican governor of California Arnold "Detective John Kimball" Schwarzenegger?

Cramer: Arnold but only because I think he is more active in his life than Jesse. Now if you were talking about back in the days when Jesse was wrestling and Arnold was doing his body building then definitely Jesse since he was used to the more physical things.

Johnson: Damn, that's a hard one. I'm guessing killing each other by the end doesn't count, does it? No? Didn't think so. <flips coin> I guess it's Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Harris: That's an easy one, Jesse "The Body" Ventura!  He never played a preschool teacher/cop before. <G>

Rouse-Deane: Uhm, I don't know the other dude, but my money is on the Terminator! He's unstoppable after all, unless you have a molten lead pit or a crusher!

7. There's been lots of jibber-jabber about the GMT regulations. Do you think they're too restrictive?

Cramer: I think there is only a need for one minor change to the GMT rules and that would be the removal of the Rank Restriction. Simply because there are a lot of COs out there who do not give promotions easily which means that we could have a possible GMT who has been a member for over a year who is still only a Lt. (j.g.) doesn’t seem fair, especially if they meet all the other requirements.

Johnson: No, they aren't to restrictive. I think we just need to get the people who have even a slight interest in GM'ing to take the GM exam, and get put into the GMT program. I've always found that if you don't try something, you will regret it later. So let's make them regret it now. :-)

Harris: Only a little. That's why I propose in removing one of the requirements to GM training.

Rouse-Deane: I don't think they are too restrictive, I mean they let me GM <g>, but I'd rather have a better GM candidate running the show on my ship than one that didn't have a clue.

8. Comment on how Conan O'Brien will change the history of human civilization forever.

Cramer: Sorry to say this but I’m usually asleep when Conan is on, or posting on STF, so I have no clue on how to answer this.

Johnson: Hmm, another hard one. I would say he needs to start off by getting a better time and channel. Not only is he on to late for me to watch most of the time, he's on one of the two channels that I can't get on my TV. <grumbles> Once he does that, then we can talk about changing the world as we know it. :-)

Harris: Because of Conan O'Brien, people in the future will believe all future presidents of the United States of Canada must be pimp gods. They wear nifty black cloaks, and hum a lot! Cannabis will replace beer as the only legal substance one may partake in, and the France will become the greatest democracy in the world. Sadly, Andy and Max will only be a minor footnote in the history of time.

Rouse-Deane: Is he any relation to Richard O'Brien from The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

9. Are there any existing policies that you would like to see changed? How so?

Cramer: The only policy I would like to see changed is the adherence to the AWOL policy by all COs, XOs, and GMs. Since when one or more of these three are AWOL the ship can suddenly crash to a halt.

Johnson: Fleet reports, the nessecary evil. Never liked them. I would love to get rid of them, but I'm sure there will be enough people who don't like that idea, and will complain about it.

Harris: Well two things, first off ... Good bye R&D, welcome back Engineering Department. Second off, Good bye STF President, Hello El President Dictator Elect!!!

Rouse-Deane: I'd like to see NEs get a better deal, maybe health insurance ... added perks for going on dangerous away missions. Apart from that, uhm ... can I sleep on it and get back to you?

10. Who is your favorite Superfriend and why?

Cramer: Gleek, he is a blue monkey. Need I say more?

Johnson: Superman. Gotta love the flying part, plus the X-Ray vision, can never go wrong with that. :-)

Harris: Batman. That utility belt held everything but a kitchen sink!

Rouse-Deane: Superman -- either the one from The New Adventures of Superman or Smallville ... mmmmmmm ;-)

As we STFians know, in STF, members come, members go. Many come back. Some stay, some leave again. Some choose to simply come and go for select periods of time, just like therapy. Take the case of the Ashtons ... I don't know how many times I've seen them come and go, particularly Deanne. I myself, have came and gone and now I'm back again. Then we have the case of Owen Townes.

Owen was a respected member of STF not too long ago. Then, after throwing a tantrum, he packed up his engineering designs and left to another unnamed club (STF prohibits me from disclosing the name at this time due the name being used as a possible recruiting tool). But alas ... election season is here in STF and Mr. Townes has resurfaced. He states he's back in his last SNN article and has proclaimed himself as an election coordinator ... as his article says. Owen's article was quite interesting. There was so much mudslinging on most of the candidates for the presidency. I say "most" because Barret Vogtman and Steve Johnson seemed to get off quite lightly in that article. This is no surprise though, because Barry and Owen are founding members in this unnamed club. You can't hurt the one you love, now can you?

Just to recap some of the highlights from Owen's article about the candidates:

Israel Harris:

"For a gut-wrenchingly long time the only candidate you had was Israel Harris, Court Jester of STF. Harris seemed to a lot of you to be the best idea of a president. Are you bored or something? Reading his speeches is like watching an episode of Scooby Doo: He talks like the dog, you're trying to figure out just what the hell is going on, and he's got more in common with Shaggy than Hanna-Barbara would legally admit to."

Edgar Cramer/Emma Rouse-Deane:

"Emma Rouse-Deane surprised everybody by declining her nomination. Would this, they asked, be an Emma-free presidency? Of course not! Like last time, Emma will run as the VP candidate for a largely unknown power-hungry newbie who will be pulled around like a pathetic, whimpering Pinocchio and burned up in the fire of Emma’s unquenchable thirst at the end of the term, only to be replaced by another. Edgar Cramer, we hardly know ye, and never really will."

Amanda Noon/Krystelle Bromilow (Complete with an extra sling of mud for Emma Rouse-Deane):

"Joining the testosterone trio will be Amanda Noon and Krys Bromilow, who bring to the campaign a message of "fun." For such experienced members of STF, you’d think that "fun" would have been driven out of their vocabulary. It certainly has been driven out of this campaign, thanks to the efforts of Rob "I could be EC AND a candidate, right?" Gulley! Their message generally consists of limiting politics (um, darlings, you’re running a political campaign, you’ve already failed) and increasing the "fun" level. Their campaigning will generally consist of hugging their opponents and smilingly imbecilely to any questions asked. They will prove, yet again, that an all-women ticket cannot win the presidency. What about Emma’s tickets, you say? I’ve got some pictures to show you."

Interesting words for STF's candidates, indeed. Now that I look back, reading this, I should have just copied the whole article onto here since the only thing in the article was trash talk. I'd like to touch back on how Owen said he's back. This strikes me as funny, because the PDept has informed me he does not have an account on STF. Unless, that is, he's proclaimed himself the owner of the guest account. This behavior from Mr. Townes strikes me as puzzling and funny. He left the club, he hasn't came back, and now he's writing articles talking trash to 90% of the candidates simply because he either just doesn't like them or just has so much animosity against STF. Why does Owen concern himself with the club? Does he believe the club membership really cares he's gone or what he has to say about the candidates? I'm sure quite a few among the ranks don't even know who he is. Maybe it's something else ... maybe he just can't leave the club. He needs it as a crutch, as a security blanket to cuddle with to make him feel safe at night. Studies have shown that people with this pattern are likely to commit murder against their former peers because of something that happened to them. They were passed up for promotion, their projects weren't approved, they weren't liked well enough ... the list goes on.

I'm sure we'll see more comings and goings from STF members, particularly ones that once held notoriety within the club. Owen is not alone though. There are support groups out there as he knows, since he's settled into one with that unnamed club.

This week I set out on my own investigation of those unsung heroes of the campaign trail, the Second Seats. These brave men and women will be warming the smaller, emergency backup seats while the other name on their ticket boldly leads this club forward. They'll be playing endless games of solitaire until the day Big Papa (or Mama) needs a day off. To that end I have asked the following questions of the "backup candidates": Krystelle Bromilow, Bob Hillis, Steve Johnson, and Edgar Cramer.

Sadly, while the first three were more than ready to aide me in my quest for the truth, or a reasonable approximation thereof (Krys even went so far as to answer my questions while in an immense amount of pain and an accompanying amount of pain killers. That’s dedication, people!), Edgar Cramer was, apparently, too busy. So his answers will be provided by the "SNN Simian Executive Candidate Substitution Committee" -- a dozen monkeys making an educated guess. While we understand this is an unfair improvement over the actual candidate, there’s simply no other way, and we ask that the other candidates be understanding.

First the candidates were asked which Batman was best. Naturally, they all missed the correct answer, Val Kilmer (second-best is Adam West). Edgar Cramer even answered "Charlton Heston."

When asked if the backup candidate would be a worthless lump of human waste in his position, Steve Johnson answered that he would work to improve member retention (noble goal there, Steve), Krys Bromilow answered that she would work to retain Gareth as Official Janitor (a far more noble goal there), and Bob Hillis said he would cover for Izzy’s screwups (sure you got enough time, Bob?). Edgar flung a lump of human waste.

The next question was in regard to Izzy Harris's recent comments about his questionable proposal for an Izzy-written, Izzy-enforced constitution and his opposition to members interacting with other clubs. His VP candidate (Bob) claimed ignorance, though he opposes, in principle, anything with such an intent, while Krys went into great detail about the flaws of Izzy’s stances. Steve opposes the anti-democratic nature of Izzy's proposals. Edgar tried to beat me with my own microphone.

All three human backup candidates see no need to change the departments and department directors, opting for a continuation of the system that has reduced the club’s population by over 10% in the past few years. Edgar Cramer grumbled something about a "Cornelius." We think this person might be a priest, according to a strange, orange-haired woman.

When the subject of the uncivil tone of Larry Garfield's "questioning" arose, most of the candidates shied away from saying anything negative about Garfield. Bob said, "Larry speaks his mind ... I would always consider his comments productive." Krys went with the "Larry is being Larry" excuse. Edgar opted for the "My banana is being my banana" excuse. Steve went the furthest, saying they were informative but that they do waste space. So while making Command more pleasant is an issue for all of them, we’ll always have Larry's long-winded irascibility will continue to be helping us not achieve that goal. Thank you, Jebus.

Asked about the curious trend of "Cramer"/Emma endorsements naming Emma's detailed accomplishments first, with a footnote for Cramer, Krys, Bob, and Steve said, "Well, Emma’s more popular," re-affirming that endorsements are a popularity contest, a theory enforced by Cramer's refusal to answer these important policy questions. At least Emma will win Prom Queen (Just hope she lets you be Prom King, Edgar!). Edgar's substitutes deferred to a "Dr. Zaius." The popularity contest mentality has led to all VP candidates opposing IRC debates, because active, real-time political debate no longer has a place in STF elections. Yes, Virginia, true government really is dead.

'Till next week, I’m off to go pick the fleas off of the Edgar Cramers.

Election heats up

One dropped pair of candidates already? The tension is building, and soon it will snap, causing everyone on board the election bridge to explode like in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. The primaries will weed out the other weak candidates, those bad boys that could not withstand the armageddon of the rock. Instead, they will be hihjacked by pirates of the caribbean. This paragraph will end now, due to increasing incoherency.

There's one thing, though, that's as clear as crystal: SNN Headline News's Journalistic Motto of "Quick, Informative, Totally Biased Reporting" of STF Events. You think you're getting fair and balanced? We don't even know what those words mean. No, seriously, would someone tell us? We've never seen those words before.

Coming up in our next issue: things get as hectic as Pearl Harbor was when we report on the primary results and the race narrows to a mere two candidates. We can barely stand the tension, so we're going to go to the pool and play "Naval battle" with our pool floaties.