Essays

What Happened to All the Americans?

Something Worse Than Regular Politics (It's Not Gilbert Godfried)

The Third Book of the Bible

Love in a Sleazy Negligee

Thoughts on Minority Report

Put Politics Away When It's Not Needed

Cultural Relativism

Freedom of Religion (with Some Help from John Maynard Keynes)

Teen Movies: A Scourge Upon the Earth

Contrasting Views of Time Travel as Seen in Back to the Future and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (And Some Other Films and TV Shows as I See Fit)

Women: What's Wrong, Here?

Short Stories

Old House on a Hill

Self-Esteem for Everybody

The Oldest Man in the World

We Own You, Now

High Street Journal

Can't They All Just Get Along?

Amusement

National Come Tour Miami Day!

Deliverance Offers a Plethora of Life Lessons

You Too Can Write Your Own Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie!

Cushman Cart . . . To the Next Dimension!

We Love the Way You Fly

Our Parking Situation Has Not Improved

The Miami Student

Something Smells Squirrely

Lance Bass: American Hero

The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Night on the Town

Arnold Schwarzenegger Teaches Life Lessons About Dating

War Is Not Glorious

Where's Your British Pride?

Why I Like Coffee So, So Much

Political Correctness Intrudes on Our Liberties

A Night to Remember: Charter Day Ball Doesn't Sink

Living with Saddam: The Interview They Wouldn’t Show You

Spring Break 2003: Unqualified Success

How to Win the War in 12 Easy Steps

Arnold's Platform Could Use Some Work

Where is the Zombie Studies Department?

That’s Governor Terminator to You, Pal

Frightening Grammar Mistakes

Politics and Cheese

Politics Makes My Blood Hurt

Law and Order: A Love Story

What Happened to Dean?

I'm not Anti-Bush, I'm Anti-Ashcroft

Bush Administration Hearkens Back to Nixon

The Last Column of the Year

Walken for President

What Should I Be?

Filled with Turkey and Nightmares

Making the World Safer for Democracy

On Being a Columnist

Another Political Column

A Fast Food Religious Experience

Last Column of the Year